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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fake orgasms with DH

133 replies

Gingerangel · 07/12/2022 03:04

Sometimes I’m just not in the right headspace to orgasm and if there’s no clit stimulation it’s not going to happen…

Most of the time I will use a small bullet vibe on myself during sex to provide clit stimulation but I always have to be the one who’s responsible for my own orgasm and sometimes I just can’t be arsed…

DH will ask if I have come and I usually am honest and say no if I haven’t but sometimes I just lie to save the awkwardness of the conversation.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 07/12/2022 03:09

No. Why lie? Just tell him he needs to think of your needs too. He needs to improve the foreplay. Lazy arse.

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 03:12

Why would you marry someone who can't even be bothered to make you come?

Pickawindow · 07/12/2022 03:22

Gawd this sounds depressing. I have never faked an orgasm in my life.

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 03:27

When you say "no I haven't", what does he do then?

catfunk · 07/12/2022 03:33

Ffs 🙄 this is depressing

CheekyHobson · 07/12/2022 03:37

Is the conversation awkward because your DH is lazy and selfish in bed but doesn't like to hear that?

Original poster
Gingerangel · 07/12/2022 03:49

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 03:27

When you say "no I haven't", what does he do then?

Nothing

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 07/12/2022 03:54

Gingerangel · 07/12/2022 03:49

Nothing

Show quote history

Then he isnt actually arsed, is he.

insist on foreplay where you climax before penetrative sex. Sex isnt just something he gets to do to you, you know. He should be interested in making sure you also enjoy it.

Original poster
Gingerangel · 07/12/2022 03:56

So how do I get him to change his ways?

He doesn’t want to do oral, and PIV isn’t enough without a vibe to get me there.

Every man I have had sex with has been the same, in all honesty I think most men are like this. Only one guy I have been with was willing to do oral, and he was terrible at it.

I sometimes wonder if it’s me, but then I never have any problems getting myself off with toys or on my own. But I need clit stimulation to come.

OP posts:
Abi86 · 07/12/2022 04:05

Most men are definitely NOT like this…

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/12/2022 04:31

So how do I get him to change his ways?

Tell him that sex is not just about his penis. He probably thinks that sex is over when he comes, which means he doesn't think it is about mutual pleasure, only about his. Ask him why that is. Ask him if he cares if you enjoy it or not. Ask him if it was the other way round - that he didn't orgasm during sex and it just ended when you did - if he would feel satisfied and if he would be happy in the relationship. If those conversations are too uncomfortable for him, then why are you married to each other?

Watchkeys · 07/12/2022 04:45

So how do I get him to change his ways

Quite a dangerous relationship question. You're giving yourself responsibility for fixing things in him that bother you.

Far better to accept that he is who he is, and decide whether you like him enough to stay.

If he asks you and you say 'no', and he does nothing, what's up with saying no? Why say yes, if there's no negative consequence to saying no? Why is it awkward, if he just accepts it?

housemaus · 07/12/2022 05:23

Gingerangel · 07/12/2022 03:56

So how do I get him to change his ways?

He doesn’t want to do oral, and PIV isn’t enough without a vibe to get me there.

Every man I have had sex with has been the same, in all honesty I think most men are like this. Only one guy I have been with was willing to do oral, and he was terrible at it.

I sometimes wonder if it’s me, but then I never have any problems getting myself off with toys or on my own. But I need clit stimulation to come.

It's not you at all - you're perfectly normal and a lot of people need clit stimulation.

But most men aren't like that, in my experience - I can vividly remember which single ex/person I've slept with didn't give head because he was notable in not doing.

There were a couple of selfish men along the way but largely they've been somewhere between willing or very enthusiastic to get me off.

So no - your DH is just selfish and lazy and doesn't care that sex is something only he gets something out of, and that's NOT the norm. That's the problem - not your body.

pallidbat · 07/12/2022 05:43

You need to stop fibbing. The times you say you've orgasmed when you haven't, mean it's more likely that he won't try anymore. It's giving him ammunition to say it's not his fault ("you did the last few times and I haven't done anything different this time so it must be you" etc) so you're actually condemning yourself to a lifetime of unsatisfying sex, even though it seems like you're being kind to him. But he's not being kind to you, is he?!

When I've had partners who are unwilling to please me, I've sorted myself out, often in their full view. Some have been very offended and I've told them that I know what works for me, and I'd love them to do it for me so it can be a shared experience. Some have learned from this and others haven't.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 07/12/2022 05:46

If you need stimulation (as most of us do) then do it! I usually get in the right position to DIY at the appropriate point and obviously my DP is aware and up for that as he wants me to finish first. Does your DH care if you finish? Decent men should always make sure the woman comes first. It's basic sex etiquette.

Jusmakingit · 07/12/2022 06:57

Sadly it seems you’ve set yourself up here - telling him you have come previously but now taking it back and saying you never had is going to knock his confidence. Next time I would 100% recommend more foreplay and being honest. You can make it clear you haven’t cum without saying it as well, or when he has cum and turns and says ‘did you cum?’ You can say no but I liked you doing this / that etc and encourage him to get you off. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want .

I think also you have become too dependent on toys to get you off. So maybe leave them in the draw for a while until things improve.

and no all men aren’t the same in the bedroom. Up until my DH a man had never made me cum just through sex , it was amazing. No man had ever managed that before. My DH enjoys making me cum, he always takes care of me before himself and that includes oral . If he can’t contain himself lol before I have finished he will still come back to me.

it’s a long life and shit sex isn’t going to make it easier.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/12/2022 07:01

He doesn’t want to do oral, and PIV isn’t enough without a vibe to get me there.

Does he not have any hands?

44PumpLane · 07/12/2022 07:35

Genuine question, can he actually not tell the difference between real orgasm and no/faked orgasm? Or is he so not bothered that he can tell you're faking it but by asking if you came and having you say "yes" absolves him of all responsibility?

So you fake clench your pelvic floor for example when you fake it, or simply reply "yes" when he asks you?

Maray1967 · 07/12/2022 08:00

I’ve had the good fortune to never sleep with a bloke who didn’t want to get me off. I wouldn’t stay with one who didn’t. Yours is lazy and self centred, I’m afraid.

GrumpyPanda · 07/12/2022 08:04

Play him this:

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=buzzing+in+the+bathroom+yiutube&view=detail&mid=01DFB00BD24B6FECB4A401DFB00BD24B6FECB4A4&FORM=VIRE&PC=SMSM

Seriously, your man's an arse, even if he's no rarity in this. Maybe you need a female first rule for a while- no piv until he gets you off.

EBearhug · 07/12/2022 08:10

DH will ask if I have come

If a man has to ask, the answer would be no, IME.

Greenfairydust · 07/12/2022 08:11

This sounds depressing.

You need to be honest with him, not fake it. Tell him what you need him to do so you can actually enjoy having sex with him.

If he is too lazy or selfish to change and improve then ask yourself whether this is really the type of relationship you want to be in.

StopStartStop · 07/12/2022 08:13

Be honest.
I take it he knows what you need, but doesn't bother to provide it?
Be ruthlessly honest.

TrivialSoul · 07/12/2022 08:13

The fact that he needs to ask if you have orgasmed says a lot about how in tune with you he is. If he laid enough attention then he would surely know buy your reactions, the way you feel and the way that you move. You need to advocate for yourself here, be direct and tell him exactly what you need or in the moment move his hands to where you need him to be and help him give you what you need.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/12/2022 08:18

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/12/2022 07:01

He doesn’t want to do oral, and PIV isn’t enough without a vibe to get me there.

Does he not have any hands?

This made me laugh 😂😂

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