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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fake orgasms with DH

133 replies

Gingerangel · 07/12/2022 03:04

Sometimes I’m just not in the right headspace to orgasm and if there’s no clit stimulation it’s not going to happen…

Most of the time I will use a small bullet vibe on myself during sex to provide clit stimulation but I always have to be the one who’s responsible for my own orgasm and sometimes I just can’t be arsed…

DH will ask if I have come and I usually am honest and say no if I haven’t but sometimes I just lie to save the awkwardness of the conversation.

OP posts:
GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 07/12/2022 08:18

Pickawindow · 07/12/2022 03:22

Gawd this sounds depressing. I have never faked an orgasm in my life.

Never?

I fake it all the time

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 07/12/2022 08:20

Gingerangel · 07/12/2022 03:56

So how do I get him to change his ways?

He doesn’t want to do oral, and PIV isn’t enough without a vibe to get me there.

Every man I have had sex with has been the same, in all honesty I think most men are like this. Only one guy I have been with was willing to do oral, and he was terrible at it.

I sometimes wonder if it’s me, but then I never have any problems getting myself off with toys or on my own. But I need clit stimulation to come.

It's not you it's them. I can only orgasm using my bullet so you're not alone. We still have sex and I enjoy the intimacy, it brings us closer.

Cw112 · 07/12/2022 08:24

I don't see the point in lying to be honest. I'd just say no and ask him directly for what you want whether that's use of his hands or using the vibrator on you instead of you using it on yourself. You can even do it in a fun way, like boss him about so he has to consider your needs more at the start and it will help him learn what you like. If you're feeling you give much more then he does and it's just laziness/being disconnected on his part then you need to have a conversation with him and gently explain what you're feeling and where you'd like to get to instead. Then hopefully you can have fun working at improving things.

MillyMollyManky · 07/12/2022 08:24

Faking orgasms basically trains your partner to be shit in bed.

miltonj · 07/12/2022 08:26

Responsible for your own orgasm???! Wtf. Why Even bother having sex, you could make yourself orgasm on your own. The point that makes sex better than masturbation is that someone is pleasuring you!!!

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/12/2022 08:29

I mean....

You're not helping yourself if you don't speak up. If you don't communicate with him about what gives you pleasure, he won't know and won't have any chance of improving.

Although if he's not prepared to give any oral that doesn't bode well.

You ask "how do I get him to change his ways?" The answer is to have a hope of this you have to talk about it in the first place. If he can't/won't change you then need to ask the question as to why you are staying.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 08:30

If he knew you rarely finish during sex, and he wasn't a complete arse, he'd make sure you got to orgasm before he did.

Tell him he's a selfish sexual partner.

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 07/12/2022 08:34

I’ve only ever been with one guy who consistently made me cum during penetrative sex. Fucking hell, i go weak at the knees just thinking about it. However, DH pleasures me in other ways and is fab at making me cum through oral and would never leave me unsatisfied.

JackTorrance · 07/12/2022 08:38

Why doesn't he finish you with his hands after? I would not be impressed at having a sexual encounter that didn't result in me finishing.

Soubriquet · 07/12/2022 08:40

I do the same thing too. I find it very difficult to orgasm from someone else.

Myself I can do it quickly.

Dh gets really disappointed if he hasn’t managed to make me come and would literally keep going until I do. I then get too sensitive and just fake it.

HeavenlyHiraaniTigerlilyHutchenceYatesGeldof · 07/12/2022 08:41

With a selfish lover you need to be selfish too and put yourself first. Men are almost always guaranteed to orgasm so you have to make sure you reach it first because some of them can’t be bothered anymore once they climaxed. He can use his hands for instance, and once you are satisfied, only then let him use his penis. Problem solved.

garlicandsapphires · 07/12/2022 08:43

YANBU
I can’t be bothered with sex and a little white lie does no harm - but if you want better sex then I suppose you should stop fibbing.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 07/12/2022 08:43

Well I hope you don't do oral either. My dh never leaves me hanging. All men aren't like yours op.

ArcticSkewer · 07/12/2022 08:48

I usually use a bullet vibe, or my partner uses it on me, and I couldn't care less that it's me being responsible for my own orgasm.
On the other hand I would never have a second date with a man who didn't love oral. I'm not sure where you go with that. Has he tried it and didn't like it? Would he be willing to try again?
Otherwise how about a rule of you come first. If you don't, fine, but he doesn't either.
I certainly wouldn't fake it.

lookersnoopy · 07/12/2022 08:54

DH will ask if I have come

So even when you do orgasm he doesn't notice? How could such a thing go unnoticed

ditalini · 07/12/2022 08:56

Maybe 50% of the time he can just concentrate on your orgasm and not come himself. Oh wait....

It's completely ludicrous that all these men think that regular sex without orgasm for their partner is just dandy because she doesn't come with piv and it might take more effort.

I've never met a man who was fine with routinely not having an orgasm as part of sex.

He should at minimum be using his hands or the bullet on you if you don't want to do that yourself each time (reasonable).

astronewt · 07/12/2022 08:58

All men are definitely not like this. DH is a major muff diving enthusiast and often waxes lyrical about how hot it is to get me off. 95 times out of 100 I've already come before P goes near V.

I would recommend being selfish and making demands. Set a ladies first rule in the bedroom. He doesn't get his warmed until you've had yours, end of. And yes, where the fuck are his hands?

Grimchmas · 07/12/2022 09:02

As a young naive adult I used to fake because my boyfriends didn't do enough to get me there and I wanted to protect their feelings/stop them from endlessly jabbing thinking it would eventually happen with poor technique.

As a mature adult I don't, because I would be setting myself up for future disappointing sex, and if my partner(s) (I'm single) ever found out they would be hurt. And frankly I've now been with enough men who did give a damn about my pleasure to not want to spend time with those who don't. I value my pleasure way too much these days then to let a poor liver off the hook like that.

But listen - if you are close enough with somebody to be sleeping with them, and if you are close enough to somebody to be married to them, you are close enough to be able to navigate potentially awkward conversations. ASK him to get you off (with his hands or your bullet). EXPRESS your disappointment when he doesn't make the effort to get you there. Thank him when he does. But for goodness sake don't go unsatisfied and frustrated but let him off the hook Scott-free by lying that you came when you didn't.

Grimchmas · 07/12/2022 09:03

Lover, not liver! 😂

nancydroo · 07/12/2022 09:09

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/12/2022 04:31

So how do I get him to change his ways?

Tell him that sex is not just about his penis. He probably thinks that sex is over when he comes, which means he doesn't think it is about mutual pleasure, only about his. Ask him why that is. Ask him if he cares if you enjoy it or not. Ask him if it was the other way round - that he didn't orgasm during sex and it just ended when you did - if he would feel satisfied and if he would be happy in the relationship. If those conversations are too uncomfortable for him, then why are you married to each other?

Perfect response

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2022 09:11

I only know the following with the benefit of hindsight...

your relationship, I'm afraid op and others who do the same, isn't a good one. It isn't healthy, nor right.

There's no communication, no trust, no honesty, selfishness from him.

I only know this now having been married to a man I would behave in the same way with for 20 years. I've been in 3 very wonderful short relationships since my divorce, and omg, the difference. Honesty. Communication. Corner stones of relationships. I don't know what I was thinking when I got married in my twenties, but don't beat myself up about it, I didn't know.

pumpkincivilisation · 07/12/2022 09:15

Soubriquet · 07/12/2022 08:40

I do the same thing too. I find it very difficult to orgasm from someone else.

Myself I can do it quickly.

Dh gets really disappointed if he hasn’t managed to make me come and would literally keep going until I do. I then get too sensitive and just fake it.

Same...

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2022 09:16

Not all men are like this. I’ve never had sex with one who was and never faked an orgasm. It’s not my job to make a man feel better about being crap at sex.

If you want things to improve stop lying and talk to him, properly, and show him what works for you.

TheGoogleMum · 07/12/2022 09:21

OK so this post will be TMI, but could he stimulate your clit whilst doing PIV? PIV alone doesn't do it for me either but the combination is great. I also sometimes put pillows under my bottom to get a better angle. Your DH should put the work in if he wants you to come, if he doesn't then why even have sex with him?

Siameasy · 07/12/2022 09:23

Decent men at least make the effort. Sometimes they can be crap at their techniques which is another issue but to make no effort…
My pet had is men poking about downstairs hoping that if they throw enough darts at the dartboard something may eventually work. It ends up hurting.