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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH serves himself the best bits

408 replies

cherriegarcia · 06/12/2022 06:36

OK this is a very small thing but when my DH is serving food he always gives me the slightly less enticing portion.

For example, the slightly smaller half of the pizza or the half with less cheese. The part of the avocado that is a little brown. The toast that is a little burnt.

I feel so petty to bring it up with him but it's a constant thing and makes me feel a bit shit. I would always give the person I'm serving the better portion, I think it's just good manners.

Anyone else's partner do this? AIBU to say something about it or do I need to get over it?

OP posts:
Littlepiggiesinblankets · 06/12/2022 09:58

He might not even realise - it's probably his male privilege coming through 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 09:59

I'd let some of it go but I wouldn't be eaten food that's gone off or is burnt just not too offend his ego

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 06/12/2022 09:59

Ah @Peony15 that’s really nice when you both think and behave that way. Balanced and fair for everyone.

Arrivederla · 06/12/2022 10:00

Op - you are (understandably) pissed off by his behaviour but you need to say something, don't be a martyr!

He is actually showing you another side of his personality - selfish and greedy - so I don't blame you for being upset, but speaking up is much healthier than sitting there stewing with resentment.

Stop second guessing yourself - you are entitled to being treated with respect and fairness.

CourtneeLuv · 06/12/2022 10:01

NoSquirrels · 06/12/2022 08:59

This is what we do in general. It has a very pleasing side effect of everyone moderating and understanding portions. Seconds always available but you must check if anyone else wants to share what’s left. We even do this with things ‘plated up’ in the kitchen if we’re not eating at a table- come in and serve yourself from the pans.

I do find this thread quite shocking that so many people are happy to always give themselves the ‘best’.

Show quote history

I find it shocking that so many on here are happy to always have the 'worst' and to put themselves at the bottom.

MintyFreshOne · 06/12/2022 10:02

TinfoilTwat · 06/12/2022 06:43

My aunt once watched my uncle cut a sandwich in half, briefly assess the two halves and then pass her the smaller half with more crust and less bacon.
Aunt: If it had been me cutting the sandwich I would have given you the nicer half, rather than kept it for myself.
Uncle: So it worked out just as you wanted - I DID get the nicer half.

😓😂

mindutopia · 06/12/2022 10:03

Personally, if I'm serving, I serve the best bit to the other person. I think it's just courtesy. Or I often give dh the bigger portion, because frankly he's 6'5 and will eat it and I won't finish that much without feeling blergh. Dh though will often leave the best bit for me when he gets there first. Which now that I've actually thought about it, is quite sweet of us.

What he does do though that makes me absolutely bloody rage is if we have anything with a cheesy crusty topping (leek/cauliflower cheese, any sort of cheesy bake, lasagne, etc.), after we've all eaten, there are leftovers for lunch the next day. This is usually for my lunch as dh doesn't care about lunch and tends to just eat tinned soup or a sandwich or will get something if not wfh. Dh goes along and eats the really tasty cheesy crust off the top of the lasagne, so it's just noodles and sauce left for my lunch. It makes me see red and he's lucky I haven't murdered him yet. We had lasagne last night and he did it even before I'd served up. I came in and there was a square of lasagne with no toasty cheesy crust. I was like, 'So that bits for you then?' and then he guiltily sat and ate his non-crusty lasagne while the rest of us had the good bits. 😂

SnoozyLucy7 · 06/12/2022 10:04

CourtneeLuv · 06/12/2022 10:01

I find it shocking that so many on here are happy to always have the 'worst' and to put themselves at the bottom.

Show quote history

Sadly, that’s how a lot of women are socialised from birth.

cara345 · 06/12/2022 10:04

My ex husband ALWAYS did this! Even if we had guests, he'd try a perfect biscuit not one of the wonky ones etc...he was such a mean and awful bastard in so much of his character.

My new partner cuts out the prime bit of bacon without any fat and serves me that or the best cut of the meat before he serves himself what's left. I always found this such a nice gesture but it comes down to kindness.

It may seem a small thing but I think this speaks volumes about a person's character.

Mogwire · 06/12/2022 10:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CourtneeLuv · 06/12/2022 10:06

Stravaig · 06/12/2022 09:11

I don't see it as a small thing. I think responses to this are based on what we've been taught, yes, but also on how close your life is or ever has been to the edge.

Taking the best food when there is an abundance of food may seem no big deal. But what if it's the best food when there isn't enough food? The best blanket or the warmest spot by the fire when it's below freezing? The only shade during a heatwave? The last few sips of water during a drought? What if they always take the safer job, leaving you to forage for fire wood in a forest of land mines? What if they push themselves onto the lifeboat, leaving you behind?

When life is precarious, being with people who place themselves above you becomes a survival issue. For this reason, such routine selfishness in everyday life would deeply bother me in a life partner. I'd never feel I could truly trust them with my wellbeing when it really mattered.

In this train of thought then, what did people think they are teaching their kids by always giving them the 'best bit' of everything?

Do they not think they will raise entitled adults like the dh in the op?

Justme10 · 06/12/2022 10:07

I do all the cooking so I give myself the best bits.
If I didn't then when would I get them because nobody cooks for me. I would happy take the worst bits if it meant I wasn't cooking for once!

WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 06/12/2022 10:09

So interesting, I've had a similar discussion with my best friend as we both are in the same situation as you. (Same happens with the 'nicest mug' when making cups of tea.) It has been interesting to read the responses - I hadn't realised how many people would automatically keep the best for themselves. It's not how I was brought up, but the trouble is that if your other half was brought up differently, then of course one person always ends up getting the best and the other person the worst. I now sometimes give myself the best bits so that I don't always dip out, but it FEELS HORRIBLE and I don't like it. Like you, I like the loving gesture of giving to my other half!

Emotionalsupportviper · 06/12/2022 10:09

DH always races to dig in first before anyone else is even at the table and always takes the best bit-even for example scraping extra cheese off the next portion of cottage pie.

Stealing the CHEESE!

Off a DIFFERENT option of pie!

Leaving someone else with LESS CHEESE!

I'd have to lock up all the knives if anyone tried this in our house!

😂😂😂

Stravaig · 06/12/2022 10:10

I love the ideal of cooking so there are no best bits!

In reality, the priority list:

Guests first, always.
A special meal, the person being celebrated.
Someone who is ill, to feed them up.
The youngest, to help them grow.
An elder, as a mark of respect.
Otherwise, divide equally, or share on rotation.

All this done transparently, to strengthen your shared values, and teach them to any children present.

Emotionalsupportviper · 06/12/2022 10:10

Justme10 · 06/12/2022 10:07

I do all the cooking so I give myself the best bits.
If I didn't then when would I get them because nobody cooks for me. I would happy take the worst bits if it meant I wasn't cooking for once!

Seconded!

CourtneeLuv · 06/12/2022 10:10

AtomicRitual · 06/12/2022 09:22

I'm on the side of chef's privileges! DH doesn't really cook, so when he does I don't know which side of the fence he sits.

I give myself a smaller portion, but what DH doesn't know is I've normally scoffed a few bits before I've plated up! He thinks he's getting more, so is happy, whereas I had the pick of the best roast potato or a sneaky chunk of chicken before he came in, so I'm happy too.

Best of both worlds!

OP - if your DH is on the side of chef's privileges you need to join him!

Why does him feeling he's had more than you make him happy? Confused

IDontWantToBeAPie · 06/12/2022 10:14

I get you. I always give my partner the best but but he always takes it himself! It's so bizarre

OlympicProcrastinator · 06/12/2022 10:14

This thread is a real eye opener. I always get the best bits if my DH cooks and if I’m cooking the kids get the best bits followed by my DH then me. I couldn’t imagine keeping the best for myself or marrying a man that didn’t give me or his kids the best bits over himself. It’s part of caring for your family (or so I thought till I read this thread)

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 10:14

I give myself a smaller portion,..... He thinks he's getting more, so is happy

So he's only happy if he think he's besting you @AtomicRitual and you think that's cute?

lunathestral · 06/12/2022 10:17

I do this - it's called the Chef's tax in out house

Soproudoflionesses · 06/12/2022 10:17

Westendbuoys · 06/12/2022 06:40

I do this. I've cooked it. The best bits are mine.

Me too

xogossipgirlxo · 06/12/2022 10:18

It is odd, or maybe I am. I told my husband I always give him the best bits, he said he gives me best bits. I don't do it, because of manners, or because I feel like I have to. It's quite natural for me. My SIL almost killed me when she said her husband doesn't even get his own meal. He eats what kids leave on their plates. Just to put a little perspective, OP 😂Could have been worse. Just kidding. Your husband sounds little selfish. Why can't he share best bits?

RishisProudMum · 06/12/2022 10:19

mindutopia · 06/12/2022 10:03

Personally, if I'm serving, I serve the best bit to the other person. I think it's just courtesy. Or I often give dh the bigger portion, because frankly he's 6'5 and will eat it and I won't finish that much without feeling blergh. Dh though will often leave the best bit for me when he gets there first. Which now that I've actually thought about it, is quite sweet of us.

What he does do though that makes me absolutely bloody rage is if we have anything with a cheesy crusty topping (leek/cauliflower cheese, any sort of cheesy bake, lasagne, etc.), after we've all eaten, there are leftovers for lunch the next day. This is usually for my lunch as dh doesn't care about lunch and tends to just eat tinned soup or a sandwich or will get something if not wfh. Dh goes along and eats the really tasty cheesy crust off the top of the lasagne, so it's just noodles and sauce left for my lunch. It makes me see red and he's lucky I haven't murdered him yet. We had lasagne last night and he did it even before I'd served up. I came in and there was a square of lasagne with no toasty cheesy crust. I was like, 'So that bits for you then?' and then he guiltily sat and ate his non-crusty lasagne while the rest of us had the good bits. 😂

Have you ever asked him to stop doing this?

Emotionalsupportviper · 06/12/2022 10:20

My SIL almost killed me when she said her husband doesn't even get his own meal. He eats what kids leave on their plates.

He'd have starved to death here @xogossipgirlxo . I gave birth to a swarm of locusts in human form.

Pretty extraordinary of both your SIL and her DH to consider "grazing leftovers" to be the norm.