DH serves himself the best bits

[cherriegarcia]

OK this is a very small thing but when my DH is serving food he always gives me the slightly less enticing portion.

For example, the slightly smaller half of the pizza or the half with less cheese. The part of the avocado that is a little brown. The toast that is a little burnt.

I feel so petty to bring it up with him but it's a constant thing and makes me feel a bit shit. I would always give the person I'm serving the better portion, I think it's just good manners.

Anyone else's partner do this? AIBU to say something about it or do I need to get over it?

This is the rule in our house as well.

This reminds me of my ex. We got together young and I guess i sort of fell into thinking it was normal. I didnt have any other experience of living with someone or anything or being with someone long term and he didnt start off so bad but he got bad gradually, so I dont think I properly realised.
Then we have our son and when he was about 6 weeks old, we went to my mum's for dinner. Baby was fussing so I went to a comfy seat to feed him and I was really hungry so as I left the table, I said to him, "Please dont eat my dinner, I'm really hungry." Because any time I left my dinner to go and feed the baby, I would come back to an empty plate because he'd have eaten it.
When I said that, my mum asked why I would say something so silly and I explained how he ate my food when I was breastfeeding. She hit the roof. It was only then that I realised how wrong that was. He had beaten me down so slowly and I was so downtrodden that I had just been accepting that my dinner would be eaten if I had to leave the table to breastfeed and I'd have no dinner. I wouldnt complain because then he'd be horrible so I just let it happen. But that night, my mum had cooked my favourite and I was really hungry and being at someone else's house, I just finally told him not to.
Seeing my mum's reactions was like a lightning bolt. I realised what he was doing was wrong.

Took another 18 months to leave but I got there in the end.

He thinks I'm being generous and that makes him happy, not that he's depriving me of food!

if there's any material difference, we would usually have an "I'll cut/serve, you choose" approach. And usually the chooser would demur to chef's perks.

With my DP, we always give the best bit to the other person when cooking and as we share cooking it works out evenly.

In a similar vein, my Ex H when cooking always used to give me the spoon or fork that had been used to serve which invariably had gloop on the handle. It drove me mad although i never said anything - more fool me!

I tend to give DH the choice if we are eating the same thing (rare due to dietry issues).

Are you sure hes always giving you the worst or is it a case of the grass is greener?

Like the 'bluey' episode where bluey is upset bingos watermelon is more red and pizza slice is slightly bigger (you can tell I have kids I have seen that episode a 100 times recently lol).

I think people are missing the point a bit. It’s not about the food. It’s not about the avocado or wanting more pizza. It’s about your partner wanting you to have the best bit.

My DH wants me to have the nicest possible bits of everything, as I do him. I didn’t realise how rare that was until this thread.

I did this and so did late wife.

I know. He's a builder, so it's even more odd 😂No wonder he's so thin. Also, this kind of unconsciously shows lack of respect, doesn't it 🤔Or maybe it's my perspective.

I remember as a child noticing my dad always took the less appealing bit of food and I remember at secondary school a friend saying her dad always took the less appealing bit of food. It reflected their kindness and selflessness to family

Do the same to him and see if he reacts. Then it’s him who’s raised the issue

I always give my OH more because he is a man and a bit fat and eats significantly more than me.

I think with everyone in life, you have to meet their behaviour. (If that makes sense.)

This is a good example - he takes the best bits so you take the best bits when you cook. You match his behaviour towards you.

Same with friends / family. They don’t buy you a birthday present, so you don’t buy them one. They don’t make time for you, so you don’t make time for them.

it’s very liberating because you can’t change people!

@xogossipgirlxo

Does he choose not to have full meals, or does she just not provide enough food when she cooks for him to have his own portion?

I think the second option. I once witnessed their mealtime, full of resentments, almost like it's the problem to feed the family. I also think that maybe kids get too much, if they don't finish their meals, or have too many snacks/sweets before meal? I think it's nice to get even your small portion (given you're going to eat leftovers from your children's plates), not seasoned with someone's saliva 😵

My dh always gives me the nicest bits of everything or tries to give me the bigger half if we're sharing something (I don't actually want the bigger half as trying to lose weight!)
He's incredibly generous and would never take the last of anything, at least without saying - there's xxx left would anyone like it and if me and dd say no thanks then he'll say 'ok I'll finish it so'

Honestly, it's one of the things that made me fall in love with him even more in the early days of dating - he always, always made sure that everyone had their fair share.

I can't abide greedy, selfish or mean people.

I always have the nicest portion if I'm cooking, there is no nicest plate with DHs as its universally awful.

I should have said that it cuts both ways - I always give him the nicest parts of a meal too when I am serving or keep him his portion of anything we're sharing if he's not there when we're eating it. I would feel mean taking it all for myself.

That must be very hard for him. It took me a couple of years to leave a man similar to her and only after my mum opened my eyes to it and I still took ages to leave.
I hope he has support or someone to tell him this isnt normal.

We give eachother the best bits. I don't like the chefs privilege mentality at all! But that's personal preference I suppose... Doesn't sound like your husband is stingy when comparing to others on this thread!

For me, it depends. Yes, I will make sure I get some of the nice bits of the crispy duck, but I wouldn't give myself an unfairly big slice of a birthday cake for example. And if it was someone else's favourite, and I didn't really feel strongly at all, then I'd give them their favourite bit (I thank my lucky stars that we each have different favourite bits of a roast chicken, so we all get to have the bits we like best with no fighting)

BUT this is why I have the 'one cuts, the other chooses' rule for the kids - to encourage them to be fair about things

So many women just martyring themselves.

I cook, dh and kids get the best bit.

Yup. Chef's perks.

Sometimes you can give the best to the other, but doing it every time is bit meh or bit of "martyrdom" women like to do.

Chef's perks 90% of the time here😁 We both cook

It would annoy me too that he ALWAYS serves himself the best bit

When I was a girl guide, cooks ate last - the thinking being that if they hadn't cooked enough, then it was them that suffered (they did eat before anyone got seconds, and they didn't have to wash up though)