DH serves himself the best bits

[cherriegarcia]

OK this is a very small thing but when my DH is serving food he always gives me the slightly less enticing portion.

For example, the slightly smaller half of the pizza or the half with less cheese. The part of the avocado that is a little brown. The toast that is a little burnt.

I feel so petty to bring it up with him but it's a constant thing and makes me feel a bit shit. I would always give the person I'm serving the better portion, I think it's just good manners.

Anyone else's partner do this? AIBU to say something about it or do I need to get over it?

I don't see it as a small thing. I think responses to this are based on what we've been taught, yes, but also on how close your life is or ever has been to the edge.

Taking the best food when there is an abundance of food may seem no big deal. But what if it's the best food when there isn't enough food? The best blanket or the warmest spot by the fire when it's below freezing? The only shade during a heatwave? The last few sips of water during a drought? What if they always take the safer job, leaving you to forage for fire wood in a forest of land mines? What if they push themselves onto the lifeboat, leaving you behind?

When life is precarious, being with people who place themselves above you becomes a survival issue. For this reason, such routine selfishness in everyday life would deeply bother me in a life partner. I'd never feel I could truly trust them with my wellbeing when it really mattered.

I agree with this.

Chef's perks doesn't mean the biggest portion or best finished dish, it means anything you choose to eat whilst cooking or serving.

I’ll always give the other person the better bits. I think it’s more to do with them not thinking I’m a bad cook rather than actual kindness though 😁

This is horribly selfish behaviour and I can’t believe so many people are happy to cop to “chef’s perks”.

If we are having the same size portion I serve up and let them.pick which plate they want. If he is having more I just share the best bits and make it as even as I can

It depends really.

Often it's an indicator of how people are generally in life, as in self centred or generous, loving or withholding. As the case with the PP whose husband gobsmackingly didn't cook her a post partum meal but just for himself - worth seeing a lawyer in that case. But if he is genuinely generous, kind and respectful in other ways, it could just be that food is really important to him and he prioritises something that means a lot to him.

In the latter case I probably would let it go if he shows love in other ways and just give myself the best bits in future when I cooked.

When I go home to my mum’s house, I cool a lot because I like it. I always give her the better of biggest part. Or offer the two plates and say help yourself. Would feel selfish not to.

Chefs perks......and if we're having sausage and.mash or whatever and there's a sausage spare I swipe that too.

To me the solution to this is obvious, next time you do the cooking swipe the best and biggest bits, see how he likes it.

I can't believe people are saying chefs perks. That's seems horribly selfish to me. I cook and share out the best bits. I thought everyone did this.

I'm on the side of chef's privileges! DH doesn't really cook, so when he does I don't know which side of the fence he sits.

I give myself a smaller portion, but what DH doesn't know is I've normally scoffed a few bits before I've plated up! He thinks he's getting more, so is happy, whereas I had the pick of the best roast potato or a sneaky chunk of chicken before he came in, so I'm happy too.

Best of both worlds!

OP - if your DH is on the side of chef's privileges you need to join him!

I wouldn't stop giving him the nice parts. I'd talk to him about it in a non whiney way.

That or announce "If I'd been serving I would have given you this plate because it looks nicer so I think you must have meant this for me!' then swap them and smile. He can hardly be annoyed without admitting to it.

1 person serves the other chooses in our house

i cook-but we always serve ourselves from the dishes on the table. I noticed that DH always races to dig in first before anyone else is even at the table and always takes the best bit-even for example scraping extra cheese off the next portion of cottage pie. I sort that by either giving him a job eg fetch some water or call him a bit later so that I can serve the DC before he gets there. I seriously think that he’s just being inconsiderate and just thinking about what he wants to eat. It’s the only time he shows a lack of generosity though as for anything else he would give you the shirt off his back.

TBH I sometimes get fed up of doing nice things for everyone else and always having to make at least two (often five) portions of everything for the last 20 odd years or compromise on the things I like because someone else doesn't like seafood, or spice, or eggs, or mushrooms and I really enjoy making a nice lunch, just for me, particularly as it's the only way I get to eat some of the foods I love.

I normally try to share out the best bits fairly between us. But if my DH sees that I've given myself the least good serving he'll swap the plates over. It speaks volumes.

A whole meal! For their own family! And cooking it! When everyone knows that’s women’s work.

DH always races to dig in first before anyone else is even at the table and always takes the best bit-even for example scraping extra cheese off the next portion of cottage pie. I sort that by either giving him a job eg fetch some water or call him a bit later so that I can serve the DC before he gets there.

Why do you have to “give him a job” to sort it? Why not just call him out on it and tell him it’s not ok to grab the best bits for himself? If he’s generally lovely and generous then he will stop once it’s pointed out surely.

What, an avocado?

As in, cut an avocado in half?

Apparently this is a male privilege thing.
I studied Development Studies decades ago. One project we looked at was increasing food production in African villages. Traditionally, the men had looked after the livestock and women the vegetable gardens and food distribution. Development agency went in to teach new farming techniques and deliver better tools, unfortunately, they taught all this to the village 'leaders' ie the men. The men and womens roles reversed, probably because the men wanted to play with all the new tools. Food production did increase, despite this, hunger and its consequences, also increased. This was because the men were now in charge of food distribution, and they just eat it all themselves.

And TBH it's not really an issue re pizza in this house. I only eat pizza about once a month or less and when I do, I have a Domino's vegetarian supreme, extra mushrooms, jalapenos instead of green peppers, and eat the whole thing myself.

I can't imagine this and I'd be upset to be on the recieving end! You either split the best bits or choose to give them to your partner!

AIBU to say something about it or do I need to get over it?

Say something

Apparently this is a male privilege thing

No it isn't. My DH doesn't do this

“Not all men.” Something can be a male privilege thing and not apply to your DH.

I used to do this - always give others the best bit, always take the fork with the crooked tine etc.

Then I realised that nobody gave me similar consideration so as far as I'm concerned the nice bits are MINE now.

Nobody has noticed.