AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

Why would you put your children through that hell? Send your sister a card.

I wouldnt want to go either.
Bad enough that I had to fly back home for my sisters wedding when I was working abroad and it cost me a fortune plus we had a lots of arguing about what I had to wear.

I wouldn't have to think that hard about this. I may consider the flights (money and time) but my sister prioritising her friends in the main villa over family would seal it for me. Not going, not spending my money and time to give me, DH and my LOs added stress for someone else's whim.

I had a friend who had a destination wedding and waited until a few weeks before the day to announce they had already gotten married in the home country with friends and family and photographer and meal after and a short honeymoon... So essentially expecting guests to still go for a fucking party. That's a level of CFery I will never get over.

Do you were supposed to be in the main villa but have been kicked out? Where are your brother and parents staying?

But the bottom line is - fuck that. On so many levels. The money, the awful journey, everything.

Don’t go! We married overseas but eloped. We felt there were so many minefields including different people’s incomes etc that it was easier and fairer to elope. Our destination wasn’t negotiable though for personal reasons to us. It sounds a bit like you perhaps expect they should (like you) get married at home but it’s absolutely their choice where they tie the knot (knowing not everyone may come as a result) - and absolutely up to you if you decide not to travel so far. It’s a shame you didn’t hold your ground over Thailand.

They've chosen a wedding you can't get to, it's that simple.

Just don't go. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Dsis we wish you every happiness but our attendance is not possible for a number of reasons. We look forward to seeing your photos on your return and will throw you a bash at the Hungry Horse, on us.

Personally I find Destination weddings selfish as they are such a drain on the guest finances and kind of odd as it seems done as a wedding/honeymoon combo with family present.
Anyhow , I get maybe doing one that involves 1 direct flight from the UK.
South Pacific is outrageous to pick as a destination wedding due to sheer distance , flight length, timezones, cost.
I work in aviation.
It's not easy to get to and if you have a delay on your first part challenging to to rebook onward connections.
Taking 2 small kids on 3 flights , 2 of which are 12/14 hours in assume economy class , just don't do it. Beyond crazy.
South Pacific agree is life time holiday /honeymoon material but to
pick it as a destination wedding from the UK 😲😳.
I'd refuse , especially if you also have family in OZ to visit. Or you have to combine attending wedding and OZ family visit in one trip and get a round the world ticket and take at least 3 weeks off.
I understand why you had to find a middle location for a wedding in e.g Thailand that must be a common situation with relatives down under but at least flights are nonstop.

Nah, fuck that. Be nice about it by all means, but be clear this isn’t something that works for you, at all… after all, clearly no one in your family had any qualms about making it clear your plans for a Thailand wedding didn’t work for them!
My husband (then boyfriend) and I spent a lot of time in NZ when we were younger, lived there for a while and did back to back seasons (agriculture) as well. We now have a DC and while I miss NZ, and my friends over there, terribly, I’m well aware of the HELL that travelling with a small person would be. You’re in transit for over thirty hours, even if you’re not in the air all that time, but arguably the time just sat in the airport waiting is worse than the flights!

@destinationisland I’d say you can’t afford both/a lot of complex travel for kids and this time it’s your DH’s turn and you’re going to see his Mum/celebrate his 40th. You could always remind people of their response to your plans for a similar wedding, while making it plain that is not why you won’t be going.

In a way your wish for people to travel to your wedding in the past means it could look a bit odd and hypocritical for you now to refuse to go to your sister's now. But if you can't afford to go, you can't afford to go.

It does sound to me like all sorts of resentments have got caught up in this and it's hard to know what's fair or not. It could seem a bit petty really in the cold light of day if you have already talked of your jealousy and resentment about this wedding being a destination wedding.

I don't at all think you would be unreasonable not to go. But I do think you would be unreasonable not to go just because you are really jealous and resentful or put out about the villa thing. It isn't fair to compare the two weddings because they are a decade apart and people can change their attitudes a lot in a decade. Your parents might also regret that they pissed you off so much before and therefore have deliberately changed their attitude - which is what you surely wanted?

The thing about the villa could be seen in different ways. 15 min walk away is so tiny that it could be your sister is thinking it would be quieter for you with your young children if they need to be in bed early and if there are hard partying folks in the main villa. I understand you are hurt about it but you haven't even talked it through with your sister and found out if she is just being selfish or if she is trying to think of what your needs are. People on mumsnet will always add fuel to the fire with the idea that she doesn't care if you're there or not. People on mumsnet always say this sort of thing. Because this adds for drama and allows others to vent their resentments. But this isn't fair on your sister. Even if she is being "selfish", this could be able different stages of life and lack of cop on rather than meanness.

My suggestion: talk to your sister. Don't base your decision on resentment about your parents and how they were about your wedding years ago. It sounds like your sister supported you about your wedding. It's not her fault that your parents annoyed you back then. Don't let resentment fester because it'll grow. Your relationship with your sister is separate to that with your parents. Don't blame her for your annoyance at them. Bear in mind people can change. If you really want to be in the villa, tell her. Explain you want to be with the family party. You want to be able to have your children there and explain they it's a big deal and will make things far easier for you to remain at the party. Ask her if she can change things so you can be there. Say how much it means to you.

However, if you don't want to go to the wedding at all, make it clear that it's about the cost and difficulty. I think there is no dispute that this cost and hassle is absolutely massive. Don't make it about these petty disputes about the past, which are not her fault and which are - in the past.

I don't think you are unreasonable not to go. But i don't think it's worth spoiling your relationship with your sister over in the way you decide not to go. Don't assume the worst of her and feel resentment due to all sorts of tangled stuff to do with different family members that is in the past now.

Don't go. The expectation that you will use all your savings and annual leave, both of which you might need to go and see MIL, is extremely entitled behaviour, even without the back story of what happened at your wedding. Honestly, I'm cross on your behalf.

Then add in that there are small children expected to trek across the globe. I'm assuming your sister doesn't have children yet! But the thing that really seals the deal is that you've been turfed out of the main villa! Not even for Great Aunt Edna who is in a wheelchair, but for a couple of friends. Utterly ludicrous.

Stick to your guns and tell them you can't go. I expect you will get all sorts of trouble over it, but it's trouble now (from people who are utterly in the wrong) over probably needing to go to see MIL. Imagine if your DH needs to suddenly go, but can't because you've used everything up on someone's Insta dream.

I hope you manage to be confident in your choice, OP. You are not doing anything unreasonable by not going.

Sorry, but this has made me laugh. The poster whose son took 36 hrs to get from Sydney to Sumatra obviously mixed up overall travelling time and flight time. And he must have had some long layovers.

To mock the person who commented on this by suggesting they must only ever go to Mallorca (fabulous place btw) is when your counter suggestion is that the son must have started his journey in London and travelled to Sumatra via Sydney. Why knot yourself into hoops to but someone down? And if, bizarrely, someone did travel to Sumatra via Sydney, it would be an incredibly long, expensive and pointless route that they could easily have avoided.

But back to the OP: Do NOT go to this ridiculous wedding!

‘In that part of the world’??!! Do you have the remotest idea how big the world is? It’s not a short bus ride from a Pacific island to Sydney. Dear God.

I live in that part of the world, and yes I do realise it's not a short bus ride from a Pacific Island to Sydney thank you very much. I also realise that a Pacific Island is a lot closer to Australia than the UK is. It was merely a suggestion, given that we don't know what Pacific Island the OP is talking about. Are you this rude to people in real life?

I once went to Gibraltar for a friend’s wedding and tacked on some extra days for a holiday in Malaga but that was before I had kids. I definitely wouldn’t do a long haul trip with young children unless I really had to, such as visiting your poorly MIL.

In your shoes, there’s no way I’d be flying that sort of distance with young children for your CF sister’s benefit. She’s having a laugh.

If your parents offer to pay, just tell them you decided that you can’t waste your holiday allowance now in case you need it for travelling to visit your in-laws. Your parents clearly don’t care that much about your family compared to your spoilt sister. Time they realised that you can choose to prioritise DH’s family now.

I’d also be looking at re-locating to Australia as his family sound much nicer and any excuse to leave the U.K. seems like an excellent idea to me.

£5k was more than my entire wedding cost (and I was the bride) - and it wasn't even a tiny wedding

But by getting married in her home town made it a destination wedding for the groom's family

And at the end of each night, you're supposed to walk half a mile home, with 2 little kids? Righty ho.

Just don't go. How can anyone argue if you say you can't afford it? Your family sound completely nuts.

"when your counter suggestion is that the son must have started his journey in London and travelled to Sumatra via Sydney. Why knot yourself into hoops to but someone down? And if, bizarrely, someone did travel to Sumatra via Sydney, it would be an incredibly long, expensive and pointless route that they could easily have avoided."

Nobody mentioned London but I'd assume he had other business in Sydney first as he simply wasn't "in the air" for 36 hours otherwise was he?

It's not a bizarre route if you need to go to Sydney anyway and I know plenty of people who have done similar.

I'd do this instead. It sounds as though your in-laws have already been put on the back-burner enough because of your family's selfishness.

Your MiL is ill: it would certainly not be unreasonable to prioritize her. YANBU - I would not be going to this wedding.

I wouldn't go. Fair enough to have a wedding wherever, but with that location they have to accept guests cannot attend. Plus there's a climate crisis... Your reason for an overseas wedding at least sounds very reasonable!

In the past you prioritised your family over your DH's. This time you have to prioritise your husband's family over yours. If your MiL is ill then I would definitely see it as more important than your selfish sister's wedding. I can't believe she has the nerve to pressurise you into changing your wedding plans when it would have been much fairer to have it in the middle so your DH's loved ones could all come then have a fancy destination wedding and insist you go with two small children.

The thing about the villa would just confirm it for me.

Incidentally it sounds like your sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. Don't allow them to continue to put you into this role going forward.

This.
The ill MIL situation
your Husband and DCs ability to see his family in Australia
need to replace an aging but essential car ( we've just had to do that when ours gave up the ghost and its expensive in high-interest times) . I think these are solid reasons and would focus on those rather than the refusal of all of them to travel for your wedding, which you had good reasons for ( although that highlights how unfair they are being)
But also
"We have been suggested to stay half a mile away....we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island."

All of that sounds like a huge, extra cost on top of all the flights, meals, spending money and other expenses and you would only really find out how much extra it will cost when you are already there. So £5k seems inadequate.
Transfers to a remote no-car zone ( on your own, not sharing the family transport to the airport and back?)
A separate accommodation that you will have to pay for, not being able to join in as you'd need to get back to your villa. Potentially stuck there due to lack of transport. Or having to organise transport every day to meet up with the others, or even to shop or eat.

I think you would be dealing with the financial repercussions and the effect these will have on your DH's family, long after the wedding is over.

Your Parents and brother sound quite selfish and controlling. Their strong opinions, are just that. An opinion and I think these count for little beside's your own little family's priorities.
Would going there when you have so many solid reasons for not going, even change their attitude?

Crikey. I felt guilty and unreasonable for making my wedding guests travel 10 miles down the road from the local church to the reception in the next town. Don't go! It's fine not to.

I flew from Texas to Fiji once, took 2 days because of the stop over in LAX. I’ve flown many long haul routes and that one was a killer. There’s no way I would do this journey with children. No way.