AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

Don't go, take your husband to Australia for his 40 th and to see his mother who's unwell.yiur sister doesn't care if you go to her wedding and that's a hell of a journey to it with young children

With two children under 6, a long flight, and it being a wedding rather than your holiday and at that cost I would simply say that it sounds lovely but you just can't make it work. Save the money and have a super holiday with your family. Give your sister a nice wedding present. Don't get into an argument about it or bring up your own wedding. You have two young children and it's too expensive and far away- that's all you need to say

I'd be Frank with your sister.

When we had space at the villa, we could s rape together the cash just about but its more important to you to have your friends stay with you and ow its unaffordable.
. Repeat to brother and parents.

Incidentally is Bro still in the villa? Who's covering hsi flights?

You have the perfect excuse with your MIL's health.

I wouldn't do this trip for ANYONE, including my own children.

Several of my neices and nephews rethought foreign exotic weddings when their siblings told them the wouldn't attend because of young children.

We were privately asked as were my husbands other siblings, and we said no thanks to that distance for a beach holiday with 4 young adults.

I absolutely respect the young couples choice to decide exactly where they wish to get married but feel absolutely that it is my right to not attend.

I am firmly of the opinion that when you choose to marry in the arsehole of nowhere, you are choosing the venue over attendees and should not be surprised with a "unfortunately we are unable to attend" response.

You really really shouldn’t go. Prioritise your own immediate family - your dh & kids. And btw, your dd is six - she’ll remember the trip for a short while but would forget it pretty quick - how much do you remember from being six?!

Your later post where you say your sister kicked you out to make room for friends would make me say no thanks or just go yourself and insist on a villa room

Just do not go and risk your sister’s and parents wrath.

Unless you’re the Bransons or another very wealthy family super expensive, long haul travel destination weddings are selfish. The only way I can think of that it works is no kids or kids where it’s easier to travel eg babies.

OP, would strongly suggest you look into some counselling.

You sound bullied and harrassed by your parents and family.

Your husband and his mother should be your priority, not a sister who clearly could care less about your attendance and comfort.

This really should be a straight forward decision to make.

Your husbands mother is a priority.

Actually a car would also be a legitimate priority too.

Do not feel you have to apologise either.

It simply isn't possible.

Oh I missed that! Your sister prioritising friends over you and your family?! She can get to F!

We're comfortable but unless I was absolutely rolling in it no way would I spend upwards of £10K to attend someone's wedding - sister or not. I'm sorry but destination weddings are a massive ask for anyone; as you say there is also limited annual leave to consider. I would be having a conversation with her and laying out exactly my reasons for not attending. I'm guessing that apart from your parents and brother (and maybe the grooms nearest and dearest) they won't be having many guests!

This is insane, who on earth gets married that far away and expect people to come along? I'd be mortified asking people to pay out to attend my wedding that far away.

I could afford it but even I would decline, I'd rather spend that money on my own holiday then paying to get to someone's wedding. I'd love to know what goes through people's heads when they plan far flung weddings like this. Unless you're rich enough to pay for your guests to attend I just think it's very cheeky!

Send a nice card, present and regrets. Stand firm.

YANBU! As has already been said, if you want a destination wedding then you can't expect everyone to attend.

Sounds to me like your sister is the Golden Child who can do no wrong in your parent's eyes. As hard as it will be you need to tell them that you can no longer afford to attend the wedding and that you hope they have a wonderful time. You look forward to seeing the pictures, etc and will take them out for a slap up dinner when they get back so they can tell you all about it.

Your sister can get married where she wants, though I can understand why the past regarding your wedding makes it sting. But it's entirely reasonable for you not to go.

It is a lot and very costly travel. Personally I would be prioritising family necessities and MIL, especially considering you aren't even special enough to be invited to stay in the main villa. If it does cause an upset remind your family that you accepted the family response when they rejected your destination wedding. They can at the very least accept and respect your decision now.

Don't go.

You might get lovely experience and memories, you might spend savings you need for other things on a sunburnt stress fest with your kids crying about heat and bugs and not liking the food and who knows what. Even if it was a perfect experience I wouldn't blow my savings on it.

Fuck em.

Firstly There is absolutely NO WAY I would be doing that journey with young children. Even if I had loads of money. Just no way. It's horrendous.

Secondly there is the expense. It's just insane.

Thirdly it's how the accommodation has been distributed - you are definitely getting a rubbish deal.

Forthly - they are blatantly just trying to roll in their honeymoon to their wedding. They have no affiliation with the place and have chosen a destination that is very expensive & logistically really bloody hard to get to .

They should have zero expectation for compulsory attendance.

The only quite quibble they may have is that you also had a destination wedding............. but you need to point out that it was equidistant to both the bride and groom and you didn't force attendance and presumably no one got shittier accommodation?

The only compromise is you go by yourself but again, can you afford it? Especially if you have a very ill MIL?

Imo, Destination weddings -and this is literally that as there is no family to meet half way between countries - are just self indulgent. Why some people can’t get married at home, where family lives and then have a great holiday on their own is beyond me. I can understand ‘I wish they’d elope.’

Keep your money in case you need to visit your MIL. That is more important than a wedding.

Wish them well, get a nice gift, decline the invitation.

Don't over-complicate it. You've added it all up and you can't afford to go. Even if you go on your own you'll be spending money you need for a car and your trip to Australia. But I wouldn't get into that - just really sorry, can't afford it with the commitments you already have. If your family can't accept that then it really shows how much they care about you and your family.

Of course. So eloping would have been the obvious answer, so as not to put pressure on anyone to cross hemispheres.

Even if I was a millionaire, I wouldn't entertain this long a travel time with 2 young kids!
I'm sure they will end up having a celebration in the UK too for friends, you can attend that.

Don't go. Save your money and annual leave. Maybe instead have a vow renewal ceremony when you go to Australia. I'm sure their will be loads of your husband's friends & family members who'd love to attend. And you could get a whole new set of photos that you're happy to look at in future. Concentrate on your own little family; they're what's important now.

Have you actually thought about the hassle of 3 flights with small children. I went to NZ for DH's 50th birthday and that was exhausting enough with just the 2 of us. I really wouldn't go. It's a ridiculous amount of money, especially if you have to factor in a trip to Aus for your DH's family - far more important imo.

My children had some lovely holidays at primary age - they remember very little of the detail. We'd have been better off spending a week at our local beach! I don't regret the holidays but it certainly didn't make any memories for the kids.

I wouldn't go either and I love a destination wedding. It's too far and it's not as if it's eithers home country.