AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

Of course places can be 40 hours away, not 40 hours flying time but with the connections, very easy. I have lived in Australia and so have travelled back and forth many times and never made it in under 24 hours, with connections and airport time. Flights to pacific island destinations are not going to leave on the hour like a bus, so will add to the airport waiting around time.

It’s also a no from me-many sensible answers on here. Don’t make it about your wedding. Just say, I’m sorry, we can’t afford it in terms of money or time. We hope you all have a lovely time and will look forward to seeing the photos when you get back and we can celebrate then.
and then repeat as many times as necessary.

YANBU. I absolutely would not go, and if your sister was decent then she'd completely understand that it's a hell of a lot of money, and a lot of travel with young kids.
Also with your MIL being ill and you possibly needing to travel there, it's completely understandable.
I think people having destination weddings are the selfish ones - if they want people to attend then they should pay for them, or happily accept when guests have to decline, family or not.

Decline, perhaps offer to celebrate in some way when they return. The health of your MIL and perhaps need to travel there at short notice is enough reason even if you were millionaires.

That is all being said by people who holiday in Majorca. Travel time can easily be 30-40 hours to a remote Pacific destination. as said by @Sirius3030. I bet these are the same people that say it's only 2 hours to get there too. I went To Majorca last year. With travel time to airport, checking in, 2.5 hour flight (which does not include pushback and taxiing btw), customs on the other side and finally transfer to the hotel...that was a grand total of 9 hours from when we left the house to when we checked in. For a 2.5 hour flight. 30 hours plus when you think of all of this is not unreasonable at all

Just say no, it's to costly. You'll celebrate with them when they get back.

So in your eyes it was okay for you to have a destination wedding but not your sister?!?!

But op didn't have one as her family refused!

Sens your regrets. Use money to go see in laws. Consider moving to Australia permanently.

Sounds like you are the scapegoat of your family. Step out of that environment.

Because of this as much as the cost I would politely decline

I've not read the whole thread but my first thought is that you need to stop placing so much importance on what your parents say. This has already cost you what you wanted for your own wedding and will now impact on your life in many negative ways, such as loss of annual leave, inability to visit sick mil and inability to replace your car! Why would you deliberately put yourself in that position?

If I was your dh, I'd be getting pissed off at your family always getting priority, to the detriment of mine!

Have you looked at flights recently, we can't find flights off season to Australia under £1000 currently (for next year, rainy season in Brisbane!)

We recently had an invitation to a wedding where the travel costs alone were £1200, then accommodation on top. We had to decline. People who have destination weddings have to realise that they will get a lot of people who can’t afford it and should have a party when they get home. It’s financial, nothing personal 🤷‍♀️

can you go on your own just for the wedding and get ils to watch DCs or DH but he'd need time off work.

Please don't go. Your family are going to treat you as the lesser sibling no matter what, so save your time and money for other things.

I got emotionally blackmailed into attended my DSis destination wedding. Not as far as your DSis’s but even with 5 hour flights, hotel accommodation and no small DCs to have to deal with, it was not a fun experience that left us significantly out of pocket. The loss of annual leave also caused problems for me later in the year when my DD had her baby prematurely as I was limited in how much leave I could take.

I would firmly decline - and refuse to discuss it with any family flying monkeys. I suspect they all just want you and your DCs there for the photos.

Another(!) reason to decline. Most South Pacific islands have packs or feral dogs who are very territorial after dusk, which falls early in the pacific. I wouldn't count on being able to walk back to your place from the main villa after dark.

I wouldn't go but then I don't like flying anyway

I think your sister's attitude is selfish, moaned about you wanting to get married abroad and making no effort to house you at the main accommodation, not forgetting the cost

Big, fat no from me

Also the whole family in one house - all jet lagged, different ages - sounds pretty dire to me.

Also, I terms of missing the wedding. There's always FaceTime.

OMG this with bells on

Where DO people get these selfish ideas from?
Have the wedding here then go on honeymoon at your own expense..

I wouldn’t go in that situation. Agree they should have the honeymoon there and the wedding somewhere more accessible.

We have had to miss several family weddings (including of siblings) in New Zealand and the Pacific due to not being able to afford the flights. It will definitely be more than £5000 at the moment, flights to that part of the world are way more expensive than normal at the moment.

To those that don’t believe the 30-40 hr, I’ve had flights to New Zealand alone take 40 hr with connections. Connections don’t always work out well if an airline only has a daily flight somewhere and flights with better connections can be super pricey.

if you decide not to go you’ll save a lot of money. You could offer to throw a party for them on their return and use some of the money you’ve saved. It would be a magnanimous gesture and may prevent a family row and you’d still save a lot of the money

Destination weddings anywhere are selfish. This one is off the scale. I would not even consider it.

I don’t understand why people choose the destination over friends and family (if they have good relationships with them) and never will.