AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

These destination weddings are simply ridiculous.
Why cant they get married and have their honeymoon there just the twl of them and have a party with family when they get home? If they really MUST have family round them they should be footing the bill!
I dumbfounds me that people spend all that money on these faraway weddings then pay a huge mortgage for the next 25 years!
Tell them NOW you cant afford it, you wont be going... if they are so upset they can put their hand in their pocket and pay for you..
As for inflicting the journey on young kids.....well honestly... how is that going to be fun for them??
Selfish beyond words!!

Prices and times vary dramatically depending on the island and date

Tahiti - you can just about get under £5k and 30 hours

Rarotonga could be £18k and 38 hours!

Plus accommodation at goodness knows what and the exhaustion and inconvenience!

YADNBU to say no
It's impossible for you financially and a nightmare for you logistically

Can understand the hurt too with how they were when you considered a much more accessible destination wedding - but changed it to suit others better

Do not go. You won't regret not going, but I think you would regret going!

If they treat you badly because of it, just shows how selfish and not understanding they are

That's a nasty contribution to the thread. How many other people have you trolled today?

No longer room in the main villa? So there was and now someone else is taking up that space? Who are they and why do they get priority?

WHY would you go? Your sister is displaying the height of selfishness in kicking you out of the villa with two small children to factor in, and she clearly gives zero shits about your budget/annual leave, despite behaving so terribly during the run-up to your own wedding.

Grow a spine, stand up to the flying monkeys your family and say that you won't be attending (as your sister said she wouldn't when you wanted to get married abroad) but wish them the very best and will buy them a nice gift.

Not rtft but that's well over a week's AL just on the travelling. If you had a week to spend on holiday with two small children, my guess it spending it in planes and airports would appeal to precisely no-one!

Tbh I can't help thinking the bridal couple are unlikely to be at their best when they get there either!

I've never seen such resounding support in an AIBU thread. Hope this gives you the strength to nip this issue in the bud.

No way that I would even consider going.

Cost benefit analysis. Are the memories going to be worth the cost?

I've never been to a wedding where I would say the memories are worth £5k+.

Could you bow out gracefully by gritting your teeth and wishing them well and say that you would like to gift them something for the day to make it special, perhaps a champagne breakfast? You shouldn't HAVE to, especially if money is tight. but it's a damn sight cheaper and less hassle than travelling 40 hours for the wedding.

A simple message to say "while we would have loved to attend, the cost both financially and in terms of our annual leave entitlement, means it isn't possible." Then forget about it. Any drama is wasted energy.

Agree with this ^^

You have multiple, valid reasons to say no and if your family kick up a fuss then you calmly remind them of the stress they caused about your wedding. Send a nice gift and a card and stand your ground. Do not feel guilty or pressured into spending a huge amount of money for the sake of someone else’s day!

I have been to the cook islands and it felt much further than even Sydney in terms of getting there. Absolutely not a chance I would even consider doing that with two children under six. It was brutal and I was 25!

Your sister has done you the greatest favour of all, by giving you the perfect reason to bail. I would hold firm even if she manages to find a place for you in the villa. You can't afford the costs, it is too far with young children. End of.
You can offer to throw a mini party for her at home if you feel bad, save the money and see your MIL whilst you still can for dh's 40th.

A complete no brainer. I know you are hurt, I would be too, but you now have a god given excuse to pull out. I am amazed you even considered it in the first place. Your parents and brother's views are irrelevant as they are not the ones attempting to do that journey with two little ones. Hell on earth springs to mind.

I'd be honest and say DH mother has become a priority and you're not in a position to do both. End of.

I would add it is quite cruel to put your children through that unless there is a pressing need (family death or illness) The jet lag is an absolute killer, I doubt you will even remember the wedding - you will be too tired to enjoy it. And then need to do the same again in reverse. Don't feel bad about declining, if she wanted you all there she would have booked a home wedding!

Did you even read the OP? They didn't want a destination wedding, they wanted a wedding in Thailand as it was halfway between their two families so both of them could have a many family and friends there as possible - not just because they fancied a party somewhere hot.

But in the end they got married in OP's hometown as her family refused to travel anywhere at all. Meaning her DH got married with only immediate family as no one else could afford to get there. HTH.

You have the option of saying to her "I'm sorry Sis but I can't afford it and I can't go. I hope you and future BiL have a wonderful time".

Yes you will miss her wedding but no one is holding a gun to your head giving you an ultimatum.

Honestly, don't go. It's just going to stress you out and will damage your relationship with your sister as you will resent her.

You can't afford it. You have a good excuse.

'I'm so sorry family, we've realised we can't afford it. We need to visit MIL in Australia this year and we can't stretch to two big trips.'

send a present. Take her to a champagne brunch when she gets back. Then move on.

Honestly, she's asking you to prioritise her while she is clearly not prioritising you. If she really wanted you and your children at the wedding, she would have planned something more accessible for you. Or at least kept space for you at the villa.

Cheeky madam.

I assume this is a booboo. Sumatra is only about 12 hours flight away from Sydney.

I had a destination wedding in Europe in DH's town. So destination for my side. I paid for accommodation for everybody and all food for four days and all transport once they where with us (except for people who'd independently rented a car). And asked for no presents.

What your DSIS is asking is far beyond unreasonable. That's before she kicked you out of the main villa.

She's made a situation where no matter what happens, there's bad feeling. This isn't caused by you. So make your decision about what to do knowing you're not causing the inevitable rift that happens, she's set up a situation where all doors lead to rifts and resentment. So, just pick whatever suits you.

Also My brother and nieces have never flown abroad, let along long haul, so I am expected to catch the same flight and help them navigate it. If you're crazy enough to go, simply No to this. He can fly with your parents!!

YADDDDDDDDNBU to be annoyed. I'd say YWBU to go!

I was pressured into going to a wedding in Vegas years ago, couldn't really afford to go, but to keep the peace with parents went. my Father had a huge strop on during the wedding and argued with everyone, I left the wedding, paid to change my flight and went home the following day. absolute waste of money

Just bumping this as a potential option on case you missed it OP, if you wanted to go. Though still think YANBU to say no!

I wouldn’t go. Just tell her you can’t afford it. Very straightforward.

The idea of a 30 hr flight with two young children brings me out in a cold sweat.

I'd either
A) not go.
B) go but via Australia not NZ and extend the trip to see MIL.
C) go alone (but probably not at I'd be resentful).

"starrynight21
It's easy to spend that much time in the air if you're going to an island like OP . My son just flew from Sydney to Sumatra for a surfing holiday and he was in the air ( three different flights) for 36 hours.

I assume this is a booboo. Sumatra is only about 12 hours flight away from Sydney."

Wtf is a booboo? 🤢 Also, would it not be more sensible to assume he flew from the uk via Sydney? 24+12=36 after all.

I'm starting to wonder if any of these posters have ever been further than Spain tbh.

Say no. It's too far,too costly too much of a PITA, and she sounds like Bridezilla already. You will end up stressed, knackered and poorer. Not worth it.