AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

They're having the wedding they want and if your family were a priority then your dsis would be giving you accommodation over her friends. Can they really afford a wedding like that? Just say it's a difficult and expensive journey with young dcs for a few days.

If your parents complain be as firm with them as they were with you over the venue

We technically could just about manage it financially, but I am concerned about the rising costs of living and how that may affect us over the next 12 months or so. My brother will pay for his own flights, quite possibly drawing back on his mortgage. My parents will contribute to the wedding but I'd imagine it would be just be enough to cover the reception (as they did for mine).

YOU are wise to consider all this. The fact that your DB is considering ADDING to his mortgage for this is just beyond dumb. Hiw OWN wedding is one thing, his sister's? daft.

The being booted out of the main villa would be the decider for me @destinationisland Just decline the wedding, tell them that its too much in terms of money and logistics to go, and your bloody brother expecting you to help him with his kids when you have your own - you KNOW this travelling is hard with your own kids, and he wants to get pissed or nap while you look after your nieces - no. that ain't happening.

Yes of course this will go down badly with your parents, but so fucking what. LET them rant/rave - they are not paying for it and even if they were, it's still going to be a tortuous trip. Focus on your MIL

"The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago"

'We wanted to do it, but now my sister is actually doing it I am annoyed'

Sounds like your a little bit jealous OP?

Apparently my parents learnt from their mistakes with us and don't want to interfere with my sister's plans.

Oh you will SO need to use this back on them "well, we went along with your pressure and ultimatum the last time and DIDN'T have the wedding we wanted or that my husband's family deserved, so we're learning from that experience and won't be caving to pressure to do something that will really disadvantage our family situation."

I hate these destination weddings. One of my BFs got married in Australia (tbf she IS Australian but lives in UK with British partner) and I'd just had my second baby and we couldn't afford to go. I felt bad about it even though she was lovely.

My sister also had a fancy destination wedding in Italy - to which children weren't allowed - and honestly if she wasn't my sister I probably wouldn't have gone, as again it cost an absolute fortune to get out there and stay in a swanky hotel (there were no other choices - it was a swanky destination). TBF her husband's friends were all rich but for the bride's friends it was more of a struggle. The marriage only lasted a couple of years - I have a theory that the more you feel the need to publically prove how much you love each other as a couple with big expensive fancy dos like that, the more you know deep down that it's a mistake!

TBH I wouldn't go, I think destination weddings are incredibly selfish and entitled and a criminal waste of money.

She has kicked you out of the villa in favour of her childless friends....
it stops there for me.

Indeed. She's not really that bothered about having you there, it seems.

You might fall out with them a bit by saying you won't go, but I can guarantee you'll fall out with them if you make so many sacrifices to go.

No way I’d be going
-not taking kids to a destination that takes 30-40 hrs to get there
-not paying that kind of money - assume minimum 10k if flights and villa, not sure how long you’d stay, but hardly cheap place to go
-sister doesn’t really care if you go
-parents made you not have your wedding where you wanted it wasn’t a proper destination wedding, it was a compromise destination as your DH is Australian and he wanted family to come. I’d be so angry.
-you need the money to visit Australia

if your parents kick up a fuss, just say if she wanted me to come she would have it in xx town.
to your sister, I’d say we can’t afford it with having been to Australia recently and needing to go again, plus needing a (not brand new) new car and it’s not easy with the little children.

Why not go by yourself and leave DH and kids at home?

just tell your sister it’s not practical to take little kids on a long flight and you can’t afford it anyway. Head off alone and have a lovely time.

Spend a fraction of the insane cost on counselling for yourself. As Billy said it's alarming that you didn't immediately say no. Your parents have trained you to put golden child sister first and you get relegated to babysitter on plane for your brother and his kids. And not even provide you with decent accommodation. They are being real bastards to you. Maybe the biggest gift to come from this is you start to push back for once. And don't stop.

YANBU

Could kids stay with DH family and cut your costs that way?

Otherwise I would drop out and get them a really nice gift.

My first reaction is don't go. I definitely wouldn't unless this fit in with my holiday plans and budget for the year.

As an alternative, would you be able to enjoy it if you went alone? Ask sis if there'd be space for just you at the villa, and go if you want to. Would save a fortune and show willing.

We faced the same issue a few years ago; wedding was 35 hour trip and would have cost around £7000 for us to attend. We skipped it in the end and nobody held it against us.

Sorry ignore the DH family suggestion

Do not go. They are absolutely ridiculous in expecting anyone to travel that far for their wedding.

I agree with everyone else, don't go.

No need for a family row, its their splurge but needn't be yours. You're just at a different life stage and your priorities and responsibilities are different from your DSIS and from your parents. Your financial priority is to your DC and domestic finances, they will understand especially with the cost of living crisis. And as a couple you and DH should prioritise MIL over the next couple of years if you are spending large sums on travel.

Booting you out of the main house to half a mile away so you have to traipse about with little ones is a bit crap. I can see why, they don't want their evenings curtailed because of noise upsetting sleeping children, but for you to spend all that money getting there and be further inconvenienced is pretty rubbish treatment. Its not intentional, doesn't sound like they have DC so they just won't get it.

Save your money, get them a great gift and just go out for dinner with them when they get back, or even have a night away somewhere fab with them to celebrate while your parents babysit for a weekend. It will save you a thousands and you'll probably have a better time without the jet lag & dealing with tired DC.

if it was important for your sister for you to be there with your kids, she wouldnt be treating you this way. Could she want a no kids wedding but not be telling you?

Your family sound awful. Imo even if they do fall out with you over this, that’s no loss to you because they’re horrible (at least your sister and parents are). They don’t care about you. Honestly, with family like that, who needs enemies?

I think I would be saying no. Particularly if you're now having to pay for different accommodation on top of flights. Sit down with your sister and have a serious conversation and tell her that it's just not feasible for you to be there. I think with the cost of everything going up that by next year you may well be needing that 5k to pay your energy bills, not to take a holiday you don't really want to go on.

I wouldn't bring my own wedding into it. It will make you sound bitter and childish. Although I can completely understand why you're upset that they made you change your plans.

Are you still going to op? After all these responses confirming it's ok not to?

This ^ 100%. And any family member of friend of mine who tried to emotionally blackmail or manipulate me, by saying they won't speak to me again if I don't go, could get tae fuck!

Any family member OR friend - not of friend FFS!

This !!! ^ The OP didn't HAVE the wedding in Thailand, she just considered it. Was talked out of it by family. Yet her sister is doing it.