Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Wiluli · 06/12/2022 11:01

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:58

Why would you even do that for a sister that you are clearly not at all close to 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Was just going through her replies now . Yes I agree .

pecanpie24 · 06/12/2022 11:03

You are immediate family. You should be in the Villa with them!? WTF?

pecanpie24 · 06/12/2022 11:05

OP, I wouldn't go, that is utterly disgusting to think that they expect you to pay that money? Tell them you cannot afford it and won't be attending.

Namrchangedforthis · 06/12/2022 11:07

Cost aside no way would I want to do that travel with young children, I definitely would not go and my sibling would totally understand as would I

Rainbowsinthesky · 06/12/2022 11:08

OP - you are right to be very annoyed by the behaviour of both your sister & parents. This trip sounds like it might not be worth taking the kids to.

that being said you don’t want to come off as the one who ‘ruins’ the wedding.

How about one of the following:

  • is the wedding in school time by any chance - maybe say you have been told by the school you can’t go
  • is there any chance your boss can do you a favour and refuse your annual leave
  • could one of you go with one child or without the children, perhaps you saying DH needs to go to Aus to see MIL because she is unwell. Tell them you can’t afford both

Side rant. Destination weddings stress me out. If you have one pay up for those who you expect to be there or do not expect people to come. If you can’t afford to do the wedding exactly as you want out of your own pocket, then maybe you can’t have one? Good luck to you OP YANBU!!

FleasNavidad · 06/12/2022 11:14

"You’re exaggerating the flight time surely OP"

@Goodgrief82 RTFT it's 33-35 hours to Bora Bora and that's not including the 3 hours in the airport at this side and customs at the final destination. The OP can get there in may for 5k a quick search on Expedia shows. The price I posted was the adult price, it's slightly cheaper for children.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 11:16

FleasNavidad · 06/12/2022 11:14

"You’re exaggerating the flight time surely OP"

@Goodgrief82 RTFT it's 33-35 hours to Bora Bora and that's not including the 3 hours in the airport at this side and customs at the final destination. The OP can get there in may for 5k a quick search on Expedia shows. The price I posted was the adult price, it's slightly cheaper for children.

Oh I missed. How much was the flight?

watermelonseeds · 06/12/2022 11:19

Save your money to see your ill MIL in Australia. That's a cast-iron excuse too. You'll regret not seeing her if something happens.

Pipsquiggle · 06/12/2022 11:20

@destinationisland

FFS your brother is changing his mortgage payments to attend this wedding!!!!

It's fucking nuts.

Also 'we can just about afford it financially' is not a good enough reason to attend. Shit journey with young children. Expensive. Shit accommodation. Possible feral dog attacks at night.

If you do go, go by yourself.

Have you actually got a quote for this destination wedding? When is it taking place? Just price it up now on Expedia

Natty13 · 06/12/2022 11:20

destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:34

Apparently my parents learnt from their mistakes with us and don't want to interfere with my sister's plans.

Saying that, when we asked my parents to acknowledge it was a big ask and the history made us feel somewhat jealous and resentful, they denied ever pushing us. We just wanted it to be acknowledged by them so we could move on and not upset my sister with our resentment.

This is despite them (my parents) literally giving us an ultimatum; either get married with their conditions or not have them involved at all. They did help us finance it which is why they had that power but we wish we had have stood up to them and not accepted their money. It's another story but we can't even look at our wedding photos because the whole time was so incredibly stressful for us.

Then my sister has the gall to mention she hopes our parents help her and her fiancé out with their flights!!

Show quote history

we can't even look at our wedding photos because the whole time was so incredibly stressful for us.

You've got form for putting the wants of others above you and what's best for you/your husband/your kids, then. You're doing it again. Why do this to yourself? I just don't understand how someone can have such little insight into setting themself up for an absolute nightmare.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 11:22

This is despite them (my parents) literally giving us an ultimatum; either get married with their conditions or not have them involved at all.

so baffled how one would continue to have a relationship with people like this

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 11:23

I wouldn’t want my children around people like this, I really wouldn’t

SirMingeALot · 06/12/2022 11:25

Pipsquiggle · 06/12/2022 11:20

@destinationisland

FFS your brother is changing his mortgage payments to attend this wedding!!!!

It's fucking nuts.

Also 'we can just about afford it financially' is not a good enough reason to attend. Shit journey with young children. Expensive. Shit accommodation. Possible feral dog attacks at night.

If you do go, go by yourself.

Have you actually got a quote for this destination wedding? When is it taking place? Just price it up now on Expedia

Yes, you're quite clearly not a family who can actually afford this sort of wedding OP. The bride and groom want your parents to help with their flight costs, your DB is having to release equity, you can apparently only afford it if it's lower than most people seem to think it would be... this sort of shenanigans is for wealthy families. No offence like. My lot couldn't run to it either.

TheBirdintheCave · 06/12/2022 11:25

Is there any way you to go to Australia to visit your MIL a week or so before their wedding and then take a flight from Australia to the particular island they're getting married on?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/12/2022 11:25

deeperthanallroses · 06/12/2022 10:38

That’s a fair point. I remember how scared I was of the dog packs when we went on bike rides when we lived on a pacific island.

Show quote history

Feral dogs would pose a high risk to small children. It gets dark incredibly early in the S Pacific. Just a quick google ‘feral dog kill child’ bring up so many incidents of feral dogs attacking and killing children.

Your sister hasn’t thought any of this though and you’re being bullied. There is no way on earth I’d go to this wedding.

Idk how you want to play it op. You could even tell a white lie and say your mil has deteriorated and you want to visit again in case it is the last time.

Jammy62 · 06/12/2022 11:25

Did you parents and sister come to you Australian wedding? I would say YANBU but if you had a destination wedding too then i dont think you can moan too much

Theskyisfallingdown · 06/12/2022 11:25

Can’t believe this thread is so long-and I’m now adding to that 😄

Obviously don’t go. Wouldn’t give it a second thought. The people you’re related to sound awful, don’t buy in to their ridiculous dynamics any further.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 06/12/2022 11:28

Personally I wouldn't put my children through that sort of travelling unless it was to visit relatives for a decent stay or for a trip of a lifetime. This is neither and to expect you to spend such huge amount of money to attend is unreasonable in itself. I wouldn't even feel guilty saying no to this invitation it's just not realistic.

Just get a decent gift, wish them well and repeat, 'so sorry it's just not possible for us' as many times as necessary.

Goldbar · 06/12/2022 11:29

YABU to even consider unnecessarily taking 2 young children on a flight that long. I could understand if it was to visit ill MIL in Australia but not to a destination wedding that your sister has chosen to hold in an unreasonably inaccessible location. Put your foot down and say no.

countrygirl99 · 06/12/2022 11:31

Jammy62 · 06/12/2022 11:25

Did you parents and sister come to you Australian wedding? I would say YANBU but if you had a destination wedding too then i dont think you can moan too much

She got married in their home town and hardly any of her DHs family could come.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 11:32

Jammy62 · 06/12/2022 11:25

Did you parents and sister come to you Australian wedding? I would say YANBU but if you had a destination wedding too then i dont think you can moan too much

She said she got married HERE as in UK because if she didn't get married in her home town they'd refuse to be a part of it.

maranella · 06/12/2022 11:32

The final straw would be being kicked out of the main villa to accommodate your DSis's child-free friends. She doesn't care about you attending. I'd send my regrets and not go. Why go to all that expense, jet lag, exhaustion and inconvenience to attend a wedding at which, despite being the bride's sister, you are an afterthought? Fuck that. Give them a nice gift. Replace your car, celebrate your DH's 40th in style and save yourselves a gigantic, expensive headache by not going to this ridiculous destination wedding. The South Pacific FGS? That has to be the most inconvenient place to get to on the planet!

BridasShieldWall · 06/12/2022 11:33

I think ‘you can’t say having a destination wedding is unreasonable if you had one in Australia / Thailand’ etc is going to be the new cancel the cheque.

OP had a wedding near her home as her parents kicked off. It’s her husband and in-laws who lost out.

I wouldn’t do it I these times and when you need to go to Australia for your husband to see his mother.

Your brother is an idiot - increasing mortgage payments as interest rates rise and we head into a recession.

maranella · 06/12/2022 11:34

Oh and maybe get this thread deleted, since it's surely very outing in the details you've given.

BridasShieldWall · 06/12/2022 11:34

maranella · 06/12/2022 11:34

Oh and maybe get this thread deleted, since it's surely very outing in the details you've given.

Nooooooooo

Swipe left for the next trending thread