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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ScrawlyEmbroidery · 06/12/2022 10:22

I was all for YANBU until the bit where your wedding was in Thailand.

DingDongItsChristmas · 06/12/2022 10:26

Putting aside the family history with your wedding, your MILs situation and the accommodation there etc there is NO WAY I'd be willing to travel that long with 2 young children. Anyway who even considers that you would is extremely unreasonable.

It would be a firm no thanks from me.

sqirrelfriends · 06/12/2022 10:28

There is no way I would put DC that age through those flights.

Your sister needs to grow up.

CraneBoysMysteries · 06/12/2022 10:28

ScrawlyEmbroidery · 06/12/2022 10:22

I was all for YANBU until the bit where your wedding was in Thailand.

Did you read her posts? Her wedding wasn't in Thailand?

They wanted it to be in Thailand as her DH is Australian and meant less travel for his family and friends but her parents gave her an ultimatum and made them change it to UK based-so only her DHs immediate family could attend

But seem totally onboard with her Sis having a destination wedding....

OP YANBU

Buteverythingsfine · 06/12/2022 10:28

your MIL is ill and you may need this money urgently for flights. End of story. No need to justify to your sister further.

Danielle9891 · 06/12/2022 10:28

Honestly I wouldn't go. 3 flights with 2 kids is too much to ask. They will be so tired and you'd probably have to holiday for at least two weeks to recover from it. Once back home you'd all be jetlagged as well.

If it was me I'd just explain it's too much for your kids. As well as the financial part of it all. Having to pay for accommodation and food ect.
Everyone knows if they choose to have a destination wedding then they can't expect everyone to attend.

Clutterbugsmum · 06/12/2022 10:29

ScrawlyEmbroidery · 06/12/2022 10:22

I was all for YANBU until the bit where your wedding was in Thailand.

OP wedding wasn't in Thailand, OP family made them have it in OP home town.

destinationisland I would just tell your family that you can not afford to go and you are not prepared to go into debt for a wedding especially at the moment with cost rising everywhere.

PurpleButterflyWings · 06/12/2022 10:37

@destinationisland

You're not being unreasonable at all. I find people who have destination weddings to be most conceited and narcissistic of people. Assuming that people are going to spend multiple thousands of pounds on going to a destination of their choice (the bride and groom's that is,) dragging their whole family halfway across the world, to a place they would never consider going otherwise, spending a fortune, probably getting into debt for it, and in the middle of a cost of living crisis!!!

There's no fucking way that I would be going even if it was my own (adult) child, because I would be so disgusted and outraged they'd decided to have a wedding that was going to cost potentially 5 figures for me and their dad to get there/attend. You're not being unreasonable. Tell her you can't afford it and you're not going.

One of my husbands cousins got married in the Caribbean. She invited about 40 people - including us, and we didn't go. Only nine went. SHOCKER! This was ten years ago as well. I don't think your sister's got chance in hell of getting loads of people going now!

deeperthanallroses · 06/12/2022 10:38

BlackHorseApocalypse22 · 06/12/2022 08:32

Another(!) reason to decline. Most South Pacific islands have packs or feral dogs who are very territorial after dusk, which falls early in the pacific. I wouldn't count on being able to walk back to your place from the main villa after dark.

That’s a fair point. I remember how scared I was of the dog packs when we went on bike rides when we lived on a pacific island.

poefaced · 06/12/2022 10:45

I always thought we were close but kicking us out of the main house so her (childfree) friends can stay and party has honestly hurt me so much. I don't expect them to make concessions for us, but I don't think they appreciate how much more difficult it is for us to be a 15 minute + walk away.

You would be mad to pay so much to be treated like second class guests.

Are your parents paying for your brother's tickets?

The other thing is that there is no talk of any celebration locally so if we miss this we miss celebrating their wedding with them in any form.

Doesn't sound like a great loss, given your sister is mean enough to stop you staying in the villa.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:49

How is your broke brother affording this?

and flights seem very cheap!!

Calmdown14 · 06/12/2022 10:49

@BatshitBanshee makes a very good point. There will presumably need to be a legal ceremony here so can't you just go to that and watch the party wedding by video link?

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:49

You’re exaggerating the flight time surely OP

Fenella123 · 06/12/2022 10:50

Someone who plans a wedding on the other side of the world from their family for no obvious reason, wants a pretty small wedding, even if they haven't got the guts to say so!
Just say you really can't afford it but don't want this to put her off having her lovely Pacific wedding, and book a dinner out with her just before or after the wedding to celebrate with her + new husband at home.

I'm assuming the destination is pretty warm? Schlepping little kids around is bad enough but in heat... It's just miserable all round and not practical, sorry.

YANBU.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:51

Four people
30-40 hour journey time
3 flights

for £5k total? On what planet?

ScribblingPixie · 06/12/2022 10:51

I would definitely slide out of this one. You have been deprioritised to the point where you can honestly feel it's too much hassle for your family.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:53

My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa.

so… it’s already all booked.

Guessing you’re not the least bit close to your sister?

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/12/2022 10:54

The Pacific islands are eye-wateringly expensive when you get there too. I seem to recall getting a bill for over 100 US dollars for coffees and snacks in a cafe.

cstaff · 06/12/2022 10:54

The fact that your sis offered the villa to her friends makes me think that they are also having problems funding this and this was her way of enticing them. The costs are extortionate for a wedding and I would be wondering if her friends will pull out anyway. Has anyone booked flights or hotels yet.

From your perspective op it is insane to expect you to be able to fund and manage 4 of you to travel that far just for her wedding. I wouldn't mention your own wedding, just the costs and your mil being ill.

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 10:55

I'm blown away by all the responses, thanks so much to everyone for providing some clarity. I was worried I might be an entitled mother expecting too much compromise for having DC. My little family and DH's parents are the priority and if we do make go we will definitely make the side trip to stay with them.

To clarify, if DH and I had of got married abroad (we didn't) my sister would have happily attended - it was my parents that thought it was poor taste and didn't want any part of it. To be fair to them, my grandmother was still alive then but would not have been able to travel. DH has never really complained but it was very unfair on him.

We technically could just about manage it financially, but I am concerned about the rising costs of living and how that may affect us over the next 12 months or so. My brother will pay for his own flights, quite possibly drawing back on his mortgage. My parents will contribute to the wedding but I'd imagine it would be just be enough to cover the reception (as they did for mine).

OP posts:
DillDanding · 06/12/2022 10:56

We had a wedding abroad precisely because we didn’t want the whole shebang here. We didn’t invite anyone and had a reception when we got home.

I find it ridiculous that people expect guests to travel halfway around the world and pay a fortune just to attend a bloody wedding.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:56

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/12/2022 10:54

The Pacific islands are eye-wateringly expensive when you get there too. I seem to recall getting a bill for over 100 US dollars for coffees and snacks in a cafe.

And the op thinks she can get there. 4 of them. For £5k

it looks like already all booked if there’s “no longer room in the main villa”

So they have booked up and then invited the Op. with no consultation. So obviously not close sisters at all.

her right to book a destination wedding.
op’s right to decline

Wiluli · 06/12/2022 10:57

You have no right to dictate where they get married but you can make a choice to attend or not ? Maybe you can go and leave hubby with the kids ?

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:57

destinationisland · 06/12/2022 10:55

I'm blown away by all the responses, thanks so much to everyone for providing some clarity. I was worried I might be an entitled mother expecting too much compromise for having DC. My little family and DH's parents are the priority and if we do make go we will definitely make the side trip to stay with them.

To clarify, if DH and I had of got married abroad (we didn't) my sister would have happily attended - it was my parents that thought it was poor taste and didn't want any part of it. To be fair to them, my grandmother was still alive then but would not have been able to travel. DH has never really complained but it was very unfair on him.

We technically could just about manage it financially, but I am concerned about the rising costs of living and how that may affect us over the next 12 months or so. My brother will pay for his own flights, quite possibly drawing back on his mortgage. My parents will contribute to the wedding but I'd imagine it would be just be enough to cover the reception (as they did for mine).

Have you actually looked in to prices? £5k 4 people, 3 flights, other side of the world. No. Chance.

Goodgrief82 · 06/12/2022 10:58

Wiluli · 06/12/2022 10:57

You have no right to dictate where they get married but you can make a choice to attend or not ? Maybe you can go and leave hubby with the kids ?

Why would you even do that for a sister that you are clearly not at all close to 🤷‍♀️

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