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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It’s a dog one. Who was being unreasonable?

508 replies

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/12/2022 18:02

So, I own a friendly, if slightly mad medium sized dog.

today we were out on a walk and was heading back up a footpath with a stream to the side. Most people have their dogs off the lead along this path, it’s nothing unusual.

so I’m walking up the path and my dog is a little way ahead. A child approx 20+ meters away see my dog, screams and runs back to his mum. The child is probably 7-9 years old. I call my dog back so she’s near me.

A man who was with them and I think a friend rather than the child’s father comes up to me and says “that child is scared of dogs”. I reply “ok, well my dog likes kids, but I’ll take her over here” and walked over to where the stream was a threw her ball in so she would just play and ignore them as they walked by.

the man gave me the filthiest look and mutter some choice things about me under his breath.

to my mind it’s better for a child with a fear of dogs to see a dog at a safe distance minding its own business, rather than me panicking and rushing to put it back on the lead, making it seem like there really is something to fear. My dog has good recall and I trusted her not to cause an issue. Also at that child’s age I would have thought some exposure to dogs to try and address what is clearly quite a serious fear would be a good thing, rather than feeding into it by trying to ensure he doesn’t encounter any dogs.

so was I unreasonable for not putting my dog straight back on the lead, and the man was justified for his glaring and muttered insults. Or is it fine to keep her off the lead, occupied and at a safe distance?

The kid passed by without incident btw. If I though my dogs would have actually done anything she would have been on the lead.

OP posts:
RogersOrganismicProcess · 05/12/2022 18:19

I think your reasoning was sound. Did you reassure them in the same way. DDog, is very obedient, he’ll chase his ball happily while you pass, then come right back to me? I agree that experience would be beneficial over the long run.

I guess the problem is no one knows what had happened to the child in the past. There are lots of unreasonable dog owners who do let their dogs pounce on and chase other people. As always it is a small group of people ruining it for everyone else.

XelaM · 05/12/2022 18:20

Maybe people should stop mollycoddling their kids. No reason to scream and run when seeing a dog minding its own business. It's ridiculous

Saucery · 05/12/2022 18:23

YANBU. I doubt Mr Gobby would have confronted a man with a dog or muttered at him.
I say “It’s ok, I won’t let her come near you” if I meet a child who is scared of dogs. It’s more reassuring I think, than “She’s friendly” because if you are scared of dogs you (quite rightly) don’t care if they are friendly, or like children etc.
You did nothing wrong, though. Your dog was nowhere near the child, had no intention of going near the child and did not need to be on a lead.

DarkMatternix · 05/12/2022 18:23

It sounds fine to me. On a narrow path I would usually put my dog on a lead to pass but if there's enough room to move a couple of metres away from the path then I think that's fine, especially if you're obviously engaging with the dog and keeping it away.

Southwig22 · 05/12/2022 18:23

Not unreasonable in any way shape or form. Your dog was under your close control at all times.

It's sad that the child is scared of dogs but not your problem. Just like if the child was scared of umbrellas, and you were walking past with an umbrella you wouldn't be required to do anything besides keep to your own space.

However the MN anti-dog propagandists will be out in force, no doubt telling you that you should have put your dog on a lead, swam across the river and profusely apologised for your own existence.

PuppyMonkey · 05/12/2022 18:24

I’d have probably put my dog on the lead to show I understood the problem, and led him off on the lead to a different part of the field far away from them and then carried on playing.

Sounds like it worked out ok that the kid wasn’t bothered, but for all you know he could have had a massive meltdown. Ans while you know your dog has great recall, THEY don’t.

SkylightSkylight · 05/12/2022 18:24

Asking about a dog on here is like asking a vegan if you should have steak or venison.

Any meat head approaching me like that, would have got a proper mardy arse response. 'That's unfortunate for the child <hard stare>'

'This is not the walk to take them on

I love dogs
i love kids

i do not like blokes who think intimidating me is the way forward.

Blueberrywitch · 05/12/2022 18:25

I think you acted reasonably, I also think the dad was probably just rudely muttering because you’d said your dog liked kids, which he probably interpreted as a snappy response rather than a nice comment - so he was probably muttering about that rather than you being away in a field with your dog - which seems perfectly reasonable to me.

But I also have a dog and low levels of patience for people who scream and cower about her, I generally am inwardly eye rolling - but either on lead or taken in other direction are both fine. I would have thought the dog further away was actually a nicer approach than keeping it on the path but on a lead tbh

Mouk · 05/12/2022 18:25

FurAndFeathers · 05/12/2022 18:16

so the OP who considerately recalled her dog and moved her dog away a safe distance so the child could pass by is entitled.

but you, expecting every dog in the world to be on a lead so your child never comes across them, and the man being rude to her, are not?

makes perfect sense Confused

Of course I don't expect every dog in the world to be on a lead, Don't be so obtuse!

Dogs off leash have a place, and that is a dedicated dog park.

The OP should not have had the dog off leash in the first place as it was not a dedicated dog park.

Not that it's any of your business, but my daughter is tackling her phobia via therapy. Have some compassion for goodness sake, she will bear the scars from the dog attack for the rest of her life.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/12/2022 18:25

Mouk · 05/12/2022 18:06

YABU

You should have the dog on a lead either way, but especially when explained to you that the child was afraid of dogs.

My daughter was attacked by a dog as a toddler and it petrified of dogs. I cannot believe how entitled you are.

The child was junior school age (old enough to reason with) not a toddler.

OP posts:
Luckyducker · 05/12/2022 18:26

Personally I would have put my dog on a lead straightaway just to be helpful. You were within your rights to keep your dog off lead but it doesn't feel like a win.

hallesmelly · 05/12/2022 18:26

YellowTreeHouse · 05/12/2022 18:18

YABU. Dog should have been on a lead.

It’s irrelevant that your dog is “friendly”. It’s irrelevant if “most people do it”. It’s irrelevant if “nobody usually minds”.

Putting the mutt on a lead doesn’t make it something to fear. It makes you a sensible and responsible dog owner.

I'd agree with this if the dog had bounded off and jumped all over the child. Or even approached them. However it didn't. I hate it when dog owners let their out of control dogs off lead to annoy other people/dogs but if it had good recall and hasn't bothered anyone then what's the issue?

YellowTreeHouse · 05/12/2022 18:26

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/12/2022 18:25

The child was junior school age (old enough to reason with) not a toddler.

Phobias are not reasonable or rational. You cannot reason anyone of any age out of a phobia.

simbobs · 05/12/2022 18:26

YANBU, end of. My DD was scared of dogs when young, and for no reason at all. Thankfully she grew out of it, because her negative reaction wasn't warranted. I always put my dog on a lead if approaching a group with children but would not think of doing so if a child some way off was reacting to the sight and presence of a dog.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/12/2022 18:27

Mouk · 05/12/2022 18:25

Of course I don't expect every dog in the world to be on a lead, Don't be so obtuse!

Dogs off leash have a place, and that is a dedicated dog park.

The OP should not have had the dog off leash in the first place as it was not a dedicated dog park.

Not that it's any of your business, but my daughter is tackling her phobia via therapy. Have some compassion for goodness sake, she will bear the scars from the dog attack for the rest of her life.

Where I live there are no dedicated dogs parks. We are semi rural and everyone just has their dogs off wherever it’s safe to do so. It’s very normal.

min a city though I would agree with that and stick to a dog park.

OP posts:
1ittlegreen · 05/12/2022 18:27

This reply has been deleted

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LightDrizzle · 05/12/2022 18:28

I’d have put my dog on a lead. You know your dog has good recall and is under your control, they don’t. For every one of you there are 19 dickheads who think the same only to proclaim “S/he’s never done that before!” when their dog bowls over a child or jumps up at a stranger.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/12/2022 18:30

YellowTreeHouse · 05/12/2022 18:26

Phobias are not reasonable or rational. You cannot reason anyone of any age out of a phobia.

Yes, their pho is is irrational, but they are old enough to work on their fears in a rational way.

we’ve helped serval of my kids friends get over their irrational fear of dogs by exposing them to our dogs in a graded way.

OP posts:
FleasNavidad · 05/12/2022 18:31

"to my mind it’s better for a child with a fear of dogs to see a dog at a safe distance"

It's not up to you to decide what's better. Put your bloody mutt on a lead

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/12/2022 18:31

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Ok

OP posts:
cansu · 05/12/2022 18:31

You should have simply put your dog on the lead while they passed by. I have an adult son with disabilities who is terrified of dogs. I have lost count of the number of times dogs have run up to him when he is clearly frightened. The owner will saunter up smiling and tell me their dog is perfectly friendly. It isn't down to you how they deal with their fear. You should have your dog on the lead.

Mojoj · 05/12/2022 18:32

As long as you were confident your dog would come to heel, then I don't see the problem. Bigger problem for young child as clearly parents are feeding his/her fear of dogs.

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 18:32

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/12/2022 18:30

Yes, their pho is is irrational, but they are old enough to work on their fears in a rational way.

we’ve helped serval of my kids friends get over their irrational fear of dogs by exposing them to our dogs in a graded way.

But it’s not up to you! You sound like a dog phobia vigilante. Just put your dog on the lead, it shouldn’t be difficult to do so – and if it is difficult to do so, all the more reason they should be on a lead.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/12/2022 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You’re clearly a very lovely and reasonable person.

my dog was playing in a stream and ignoring the kid. It was NEVER less than 5 meters or so away. If a junior school age kid can’t be 5 meters from a dog then, well I don’t even know. It’s seems like an issue that needs addressing.

OP posts:
BlueLabel · 05/12/2022 18:34

You were not unreasonable in that you ensured the dog was kept away, but I don't think it's down to you on what would be best for the child and it wouldn't have hurt to put your dog on a leash or call it to sit at the side while they moved past.

Not for nothing but things like describing dogs as friendly but mad, coming "near" you rather than to heel and responding with any variation of "they're friendly/they love dogs/they love kids" are all red flags for owners who don't effectively control their dogs so I can see why they might not have been reassured.