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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my son to pay his way???

159 replies

CalmDownKaren · 05/12/2022 14:23

my 21 year old son lives at home with us. I absolutely have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is his attitude towards finances and working. He does not work and claims universal credit. He pays us nothing and literally eats us out of house and home. I’ve explained frequently that food is now very expensive, and add to this the increasing cost of gas and electric it’s costing us a fortune to keep him. He pays no lodge because once he gets his monthly benefits he clears off to stay at friends spending his money on expensive takeaways, owing money back that he has borrowed and going out until he is broke. He then comes back and expects us to cover all his food, energy and internet. When I challenge him about this he is surly and defensive and turns every conversation into a shouting match where he somehow successfully manages to always lay blame at us. He is loud, messy, blasts out music and unsociable hours and appears to have no concept that he is costing us money we can’t afford (I care for our disabled daughter and husband works a minimum wage job). Am I being unreasonable to expect a frikkin 21 year old male adult to pay his way or get out? Even though he is on benefits I feel like £25 a week is a reasonable amount to ask for. That would then leave him £160 a month for himself. He has no bills and no car to pay for.

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 05/12/2022 14:29

You’re not being unreasonable to expect your son to pay his way now that he is an adult.

polkadotdinosaur · 05/12/2022 14:31

Is he able to work? If so, there’s really no excuse to be claiming UC. Should definitely be contributing. Normally I’m relaxed on things like this but it sounds like his attitude towards all sorts is very wrong. Presuming he can work (different if he is physically unable or mentally ill of course) I would be seriously thinking of issuing an ultimatum of find a job by the end of February or move out. It’s really not hard to. Agencies are crying out for postal workers, factory workers, and supermarkets/restaurants are always recruiting. YADNBU.

Hoppinggreen · 05/12/2022 14:31

Time he moved out

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/12/2022 14:32

Well you allow him to stay at home whilst neither working or studying/ so why would you expect better from him?!

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 05/12/2022 14:34

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/12/2022 14:32

Well you allow him to stay at home whilst neither working or studying/ so why would you expect better from him?!

She cares for her disabled child, did you miss that bit??

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 14:35

Well obviously you are not being unreasonable to expect him to contribute but it sounds like you’ve probably pandered to him for a long time.
Why are you not telling him he either needs to pay X towards board or find his own accommodation? I don’t understand how it’s got to the point that you’ve just let him not contribute at all.

ilovesooty · 05/12/2022 14:36

He hasn't listened when you've tried to explain that he has to pay his way. I'd give him a deadline to get a job and contribute or move out. He doesn't seem to be pulling his weight around the house either and that's unacceptable.

Quitelikeit · 05/12/2022 14:37

He should get off his backside and get a bar or retail job

tell him in no uncertain terms that you need a contribution from him otherwise he will have to move out

Ponderingwindow · 05/12/2022 14:38

unless he has some compelling reason for not being in work or study, I wouldn’t let him live on my house without being engaged in one of those pursuits full-time.

and yes you should be charging him to live there, much more than you are suggesting.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 05/12/2022 14:40

Ponderingwindow · 05/12/2022 14:38

unless he has some compelling reason for not being in work or study, I wouldn’t let him live on my house without being engaged in one of those pursuits full-time.

and yes you should be charging him to live there, much more than you are suggesting.

I agree with this. I’d set a deadline - there’s boatloads of hospitality work going In December he could get a job tomorrow, or he’s out on his arse.

NoDairyNoProblem · 05/12/2022 14:40

polkadotdinosaur · 05/12/2022 14:31

Is he able to work? If so, there’s really no excuse to be claiming UC. Should definitely be contributing. Normally I’m relaxed on things like this but it sounds like his attitude towards all sorts is very wrong. Presuming he can work (different if he is physically unable or mentally ill of course) I would be seriously thinking of issuing an ultimatum of find a job by the end of February or move out. It’s really not hard to. Agencies are crying out for postal workers, factory workers, and supermarkets/restaurants are always recruiting. YADNBU.

This. Also the UC he receives is to cover food, warmth, bathing etc. I would say half for expenses, half for his uses (phone, socialising , clothing etc) if he’s treating it like a life choice.

MillicentMold · 05/12/2022 14:40

Why is your 21 year old DS claiming benefits and going round to his mates every day? Is there a reason why he can’t spend his days looking for work?

YANBU to want some living expenses from him.

YABU to put up with him. He’s an adult and should be working to pay his own way. If there is no reason why he cannot work I’d be telling him to pay up, start cleaning his own mess, wash his own clothes and show some respect for the people who are running what he considers to be his personal hotel - or move out pronto! I’d pack his bags for him tbh.

Blondlashes · 05/12/2022 14:42

ilovesooty · 05/12/2022 14:36

He hasn't listened when you've tried to explain that he has to pay his way. I'd give him a deadline to get a job and contribute or move out. He doesn't seem to be pulling his weight around the house either and that's unacceptable.

What @ilovesooty said. It’s time for him to grow up. Young men need to make their way in the world. I would be charging more than £25 a week. I’d imagine that barely covers food and energy. £75 a week would be more reasonable. Increasing as he gets a job. If you want to save the additional £50 secretly and return it to him for a deposit on a rental when he decides to move out that’s your choice. But £25 is way to low. It needs to be an amount that will motivate him to work.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 05/12/2022 14:43

YANBU re your son.

YABU re your username. The "Karen" thing needs to end.

Fedupofdiets · 05/12/2022 14:44

Unless there is a back story coming I would be furious if my DS behaved like this. Nothing worse than lazy and ungrateful. Time for some tough love I think OP.

Barneysma2 · 05/12/2022 14:46

OK, so unless he is unable to work (which I persume he is more than capable of doing seen as he is fine to go to his mates every day) then he should be working and contributing. If he refuses, then the answer is really simple, pack a bag for him and leave it by the door. When he comes home from his friends tell him to take his bag of shit and leave. He is a fully grown man. Unless you put the change in place, he will carry on taking advantage. Easier said than done I know but please do not let that fact he is your son stop you from putting your foot down. As long as you continue to pay for his essentials then he will continue to take advantage, which I find very sad of a grown man to do to his own mother.

Longestnight · 05/12/2022 14:46

Well he’s not going to be able to live on £160 a month is he? Time for him to get a job or study. What are his plans?

Bananalanacake · 05/12/2022 14:47

I thought you could only claim UC if you were on a low income or are ill, if he is healthy he shouldn't be entitled to it, isn't he ashamed of taking money from those who need it. Does he want a job, have you asked. Sorry if he has health problems but as a PP said there are jobs around at the moment.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2022 14:47

It's a seller's market now with jobs. He needs one.

Is his plan to sit on his arse while you (and I) pay his way for the rest of his life?

PingPongMerrilyWithPie · 05/12/2022 14:49

YANBU but it is hard for siblings of disabled children to feel equal sometimes. Painfully low self esteem is a known risk for these kids, and that can be crippling, affect ability to work, cause people to be very "prickly" as a defensive mechanism.

The problem with everyone chiming in with "YANBU" is where does it actually get you? I would try to get to a place where you can have a genuine conversation with him because until you can hear something meaningful from his perspective, this is going to be a tough one to solve. Unless he just grows out of it with enough boundaries and threats, which is possible. But with a disabled sister at home I would be trying to de-escalate and dig a bit deeper rather than laying down the law. It sounds like you've tried the latter and you've tried reasoning with him, and neither worked, so the question is what else can you try? He's still maturing, things can improve.

StrawberryWater · 05/12/2022 14:49

Ultimatum time.

Tell him he has 6 months to get a job and get out.

That should give him enough time to find a job and save some money towards a deposit.

Don't put up with him otherwise where does it end? He's still behaving that way at 30 years old, at 40? Yuk.

lking679 · 05/12/2022 14:50

yanbu but I wouldn’t expect anything from him if he’s been used to this arrangement!
how long has this been going on? Try not to get frustrated by expecting much or a sudden change.

I never think ultimatums are helpful, people mature and do things on their own time. You don’t want to risk homelessness or anything!

I’d maybe ask for the money…. £100 a month is it? But if he doesn’t pay I’d keep a tab on the fridge of how much he owes you.
I would be telling him to get headphones or something to not disrupt you, loud music is just disrespectful.
The other thing I’d do is turn Wi-Fi off in the evening if it doesn’t disrupt you too much but tell him you’ll leave it on when he’s paid the money he owes!

Can his Dad have a word/put pressure on too.

SpottyBalloons · 05/12/2022 14:56

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 05/12/2022 14:34

She cares for her disabled child, did you miss that bit??

Show quote history

@CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease I think (and hope) that @OnlyFoolsnMothers meant the OP is allowing the son to stay at home without him working or studying, so why does she expect him to change. I don't think they were commenting on the OPs circumstances of being at home. You are not being unreasonable OP.

Rainraindontgoaway · 05/12/2022 15:18

How can some one who is able to work get away with claiming benefits??? The system is a joke. WTAF 😳

NicLondon1 · 05/12/2022 15:19

Have you had a conversation about his career aspirations? Can you ask what type of job he wants and try to help him achieve that goal? For example, whilst living with you, he could at least be getting work experience which could lead to a paid role? He needs to be emailing companies and looking for positions

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