AIBU to expect my son to pay his way???

[CalmDownKaren]

my 21 year old son lives at home with us. I absolutely have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is his attitude towards finances and working. He does not work and claims universal credit. He pays us nothing and literally eats us out of house and home. I’ve explained frequently that food is now very expensive, and add to this the increasing cost of gas and electric it’s costing us a fortune to keep him. He pays no lodge because once he gets his monthly benefits he clears off to stay at friends spending his money on expensive takeaways, owing money back that he has borrowed and going out until he is broke. He then comes back and expects us to cover all his food, energy and internet. When I challenge him about this he is surly and defensive and turns every conversation into a shouting match where he somehow successfully manages to always lay blame at us. He is loud, messy, blasts out music and unsociable hours and appears to have no concept that he is costing us money we can’t afford (I care for our disabled daughter and husband works a minimum wage job). Am I being unreasonable to expect a frikkin 21 year old male adult to pay his way or get out? Even though he is on benefits I feel like £25 a week is a reasonable amount to ask for. That would then leave him £160 a month for himself. He has no bills and no car to pay for.

He is hardly living his best life, is he, OP. You sound a nice person in tough straits and he shouldn't be taking advantage of you like he is. But, even if you were the worst person in the world, the situation is also corrosive for him. How can he build any self respect, how can he build a life, this way?
Booting him out and advising him to get a job is the best thing for him, let alone you!

He has to start paying you to cover his costs. If that means most of his benefits then so be it. If he doesn't like it, then he needs to find a job or move out. You need to tell him straight that you cannot afford to keep him any longer.

He has got it great at the moment. Lots of food, a nice warm house, no responsibilities and plenty of money to splash around. But it won't be so great when he is 40 and still doing the same.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. He needs to get off his bum and find a direction in life unless there’s something seriously wrong… but it doesn’t sound like it. He sounds apathetic

What are the consequences if he doesn’t contribute or work and continues to ponce off you? None from you but plenty of negative consequences for his future.

Good thinking

Is he looking for work? Has he ever worked?

My son is 18 on apprentice wages and gives me 30 a week. Wither he was working or on ÚC I would still be taken 30 a week to cover his food while he’s in the house. Any argument about not wanting to pay his way and he would be told to leave as he IS an adult

The problem is, if she kicks him out and he doesn't have a home, it's even harder to get a job and he'll be more likely to live on the streets or end up turning to crime so he can stay warm and fed.

Don’t do his washing/ change his bedding or any other housework specifically for him. Don’t buy loads of snacks etc or have your own secret stash. Don’t cook just for him. Turn his radiator off so his room is cold when he comes in. When he has a tantrum tell him unless he sets up a standing order for £100 pm the day his benefit drops on his account he will have to fend for himself while he lives with you. Show him the rental cost on a studio flat to help him realise what it will cost if you throw him out. Time to stand up for yourself

His benefits are supposed to cover his food and bills. So yes, he should be paying you, and more than £25 a week if he is eating your food. It would be easier to charge him for a share of bills and tell him he has to buy all his own food. I'm not surprised he isn't looking for work when he is probably better off on benefits because he is massively subsidised by you paying his energy and food bills. I would calmly give him an ultimatum, he needs to start paying his way and find a job or course by February or he is out.

I agree that you're not doing him any favours. I would ask him to get a job and pay proper board or leave by 3 months time. Tell him that as of his next pay day you will not cover food. And stand firm! If he has no access to food he will have to get off him backside and stop being so selfish. You're enabling him and in the process ruining his life.

How long has he been financially and emotionally abusing you for? He needs to move out.

And I agree do NOT do chores for the lazy sod!

Your 21 year old is unemployed and on universal credit.

Any qualifications? Any aspirations whatsoever?

I think he needs a reality check.
You need to sit down and explain his situation!
He isn't in charge here. He needs to understand that as an adult, he has a responsibility to take care of himself and that he can't expect to carry on like this forever.

Just seen your other thread op about your 30 year old son abusing you, shouting at you, berating you, treating you disrespectfully.

what on earth has happened for your two sons to treat you so abysmally?

Have a look at his CV. If he hasn’t got one then he needs to create one today. Then tell him that he has to apply for work - bars, restaurants and retail are busy over Christmas so he’ll get a job if he applies to everything going! Get him on the Indeed website.

Really?
Crikey op. It's clear you have a huge problem.
You need these men out of your house.

Honestly, I would tell him to leave.

My daughter works full time in a job that pays £10.83 an hour. She pays us £250 a month and has to buy her own food. She’s 19.

Isn't his work coach on his case? They expect you to do X hours of job searching/preparing for work

YANBU to expect some money. But doesn't that just set him up to keep giving you a pittance from his benefits?

You say you're happy he's living at home but he's being aggressive when you try to discuss his contribution? And playing loud music at antisocial hours in a home with a disabled sister and you and DH trying to sleep? There should be zero tolerance for these behaviours.

It sounds like he's doing exactly what he wants with zero consequences.

Time for him to get a job, get some self respect, show some respect to you and his family or move out. I'd give him until the end of January to change his ways.

yanbu at all especially if he shows no interest in working or studying.

however imm not sure how it has got to this point, he’s clearly felt entitled for many years and isn’t going to change

you need to calmly tell him that you are no longer able to subsidise him. He gets a job AND pays a fair amount towards food/mortgage/bills or moves out. I’d give him two weeks notice.

if he is unable to work then he still needs to show you some respect and contribute some of his benefits to the household.

I agree with this - lots of discussions on here about how 'Karen' is used as a put down which demeans women generally.

Why can’t he work?
Or won’t he work?

He needs a dose of reality and to start to understand that he has responsibilities as well as rights. Cost out what it’s costing to keep him in idleness and tell him that’s the bottom line. Otherwise he moves out.