AIBU to expect my son to pay his way???

[CalmDownKaren]

my 21 year old son lives at home with us. I absolutely have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is his attitude towards finances and working. He does not work and claims universal credit. He pays us nothing and literally eats us out of house and home. I’ve explained frequently that food is now very expensive, and add to this the increasing cost of gas and electric it’s costing us a fortune to keep him. He pays no lodge because once he gets his monthly benefits he clears off to stay at friends spending his money on expensive takeaways, owing money back that he has borrowed and going out until he is broke. He then comes back and expects us to cover all his food, energy and internet. When I challenge him about this he is surly and defensive and turns every conversation into a shouting match where he somehow successfully manages to always lay blame at us. He is loud, messy, blasts out music and unsociable hours and appears to have no concept that he is costing us money we can’t afford (I care for our disabled daughter and husband works a minimum wage job). Am I being unreasonable to expect a frikkin 21 year old male adult to pay his way or get out? Even though he is on benefits I feel like £25 a week is a reasonable amount to ask for. That would then leave him £160 a month for himself. He has no bills and no car to pay for.

This 100%. Stop being an ageist misogynist. Women don't need to be bashed by other women.

@mam0918

You need to calm down 🤣

Hell yeah - he should be paying his way...

Is there a reason he can’t go to work (from the sounds of it no, as he is out and about and blasting music at all hours)

The kid is a lazy oik - I’d March him down the job centre.

You need to force him to be proactive about seeking work because this situation is unacceptable. He should be working and paying rent, and also generally being more respectful. You’ve been accommodating enough and I think you’ll have to ask him to move out if he won’t work or pay his own way.

Says the person who got offended over a name.

Job and pay up or move out.
And ditch the misogynist user name 😡

If he continues on this track, he's bound to end up being a useless husband and father too. Jeez OP, parent your son, why should the taxpayer fund this lazy "boy"!

If you love and care about your son you need to stop supporting & enabling him in being a lazy sponging scrounger. He will have a extremely difficult life and poor health mentally, emotionally, physically if you continue to support this. You will obviously suffer the same too. This situation will make you ill.
I hear you have a lot on your plate with a disabled child and it sound really tough but this is even more reason to put an end to this hideous situation that you are allowing. Set the boundaries re paying his way, support him in developing aspirations, his self esteem, earning for himself. Be firm. Do not tolerate any more of this. You need to look after yourself and your family and you are currently not doing this.
Seek support from other family members if possible get everyone on your side, let him realise his behaviour & situation are unacceptable and shameful. Like someone said earlier he is 21 so this amounts to abuse. Be strong x

My kids are younger and get told their job is to do their best at school. Once school is finished they must further their education or work and contribute. Doing nothing is not an option. Frankly you are not giving him any motivation to do anything with his life allowing him to do this.

Nope. Unless there is a backstory, the young person should either be in a uni halls or at home pulling their weight.

It's time for him to couch surf for a bit I think.

How on earth is a fit, healthy 21yo allowed to get away with viewing lazing around on benefits as a lifestyle choice, whilst those of us who have a top up from UC as well as a job get harassed to the point of insanity?! He needs to pull his finger out and get a job! Next time he disappears off to his mate's for a binge at the taxpayer's expense, change the locks & let him learn the hard way.

Don't fall for this tripe from a drop-and-run OP.

I don't think that a fit, able to work 21 year old is getting benefits to sit and do nothing at all.

YANBU.

At one point ds was thinking of taking a gap year before Uni. I told him that was fine and that we would always give him a roof over his head but that he would need to pay a minimum of £35 per week towards his living expenses rising to £50 depending on his income. (making sure he was always better off working). Ds is also autistic so finding a job can be challenging for him but there was no way I would have enabled him to sit around for a year doing nothing.

I might be very naive but I thought that there were things in place to stop people abusing the system, like having to go to interviews and actively look for work? Having said that I've been at interviews where its quite clear that the other candidates have no made any effort at all other than just turn up so they can claim their JSA or universal credit as its now know.

I claimed JSA a number of times in my younger years but when you are a temp you often find yourself between assignments and after a 12 month or 24 month contract I'd go and sign on, even if it was just for a week or two until my next assignment, the longest time I was out of work in 30 years of temping was 6 weeks. But I think because I had a horse to keep and I wanted to continue competing as well, I made sure I was never out of work for long.

If I'd not had that direction and just wanted to be lazy and not work I still wouldn't have been allowed to laze about at home, my parents would never have allowed me to do so.

If you’ve already spoken to him about paying his way and he’s not doing it, this…

“once he gets his monthly benefits he clears off to stay at friends spending his money on expensive takeaways, owing money back that he has borrowed and going out until he is broke. He then comes back”

….is the time in which I would be calling the locksmiths.

DS2 aged 20 didn't do well in his HND, and couldn't get a job in computing like he'd hoped, but he's working in a pub now for a fairly decent hourly rate (well above minimum wage for his age) and pays me a small percentage of his earnings that covers his keep.
There's no way there isn't a job your son could get unless he's as argumentative with job prospects as he is with you.

Throw him out
You have no option and then he'll have to fend for himself

No way would my parents have tolerated this

YANBU.
My parents have a VERY similar situation with my sibling so from experience I know YANBU.

I have no idea why SOME individuals believe they should live for free and get everything handed to them. SMH.

I understand your frustration OP and you are 100% NBU at all. Where does he get off, thinking he can live for free? Even if you have pandered to him while he was under 18 he is now an adult and needs to behave like one :( I am so sorry that you are having this experience. unfortunately my sibling is 30 and this is still going on for my parents.

Full disclosure my sibling is also a drink and drug addict. However they are what is called a fully functioning addict as they can hold down a job and see their child.

so I am not sure this will help but here’s our Family storey. I have a 30 year old sibling who still lives at home. They have a young child (the child is 10, and they are no longer with the other parent). They work 40+ hours per week and, sometimes 2 jobs as they have a trade so do private work on the side. Easily takes home 2500 a WEEK. However, they never pay rent, always expects my parents to buy toiletries and clothes for them, give them petrol money to get to and from work (as their wages are spent by Saturday morning after been paid on a Friday), they never pay their mobile phone bill (it’s in my parents name) and, frequently moves new partners in so my parents have to feed them as well as my sibling.

They constantly say that they will pay and don’t. The only time they have paid their own way was when they moved out for 6 months, but they got themselves in so much debt by not paying water rates, and electricity etc.

The ultimatums my parents have given them have fallen on deaf ears. They have tried to throw them out, but they just return and sit in the garden until they are let in the house or create such a scene that my parents give in. My dad half the time won’t even speak to them as he gets so so so annoyed at how selfish they are.

I am 1/3 and myself and my other sibling are nothing like this I got a PT job at 16 and paid 1/4 of my wage to my parents and my youngest sibling did the same but the middle one is just a waste of space and a free loader. :(

I am not sure the above will help you but PLEASE do not get into the situation my parents are in where their seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Please do what you can live with as soon as you can x

And then people say that benefits are a safety net. That myth keep being debunked time and time again.

YANBU. My 15 year old is doing his GCSEs but has a weekend job and has offered to pay me his tips towards the house as he knows things are expensive these days. I haven't taken it, but banked it into a savings account. A small amount from him to you would be a token gesture but a step in the right direction for his attitude. He needs to learn sometime.

This looks even more ugly when the child is older. My ex is late 40s and in this position, sponging off his elderly mum.

Somehow I am unsurprised that a woman who would choose such a revolting username has raised an entitled shit of a son. His behaviour is the result of years of parental influence. Change your username, get a reality check and give your son a month to move out and mean it.