AIBU to expect my son to pay his way???

[CalmDownKaren]

my 21 year old son lives at home with us. I absolutely have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is his attitude towards finances and working. He does not work and claims universal credit. He pays us nothing and literally eats us out of house and home. I’ve explained frequently that food is now very expensive, and add to this the increasing cost of gas and electric it’s costing us a fortune to keep him. He pays no lodge because once he gets his monthly benefits he clears off to stay at friends spending his money on expensive takeaways, owing money back that he has borrowed and going out until he is broke. He then comes back and expects us to cover all his food, energy and internet. When I challenge him about this he is surly and defensive and turns every conversation into a shouting match where he somehow successfully manages to always lay blame at us. He is loud, messy, blasts out music and unsociable hours and appears to have no concept that he is costing us money we can’t afford (I care for our disabled daughter and husband works a minimum wage job). Am I being unreasonable to expect a frikkin 21 year old male adult to pay his way or get out? Even though he is on benefits I feel like £25 a week is a reasonable amount to ask for. That would then leave him £160 a month for himself. He has no bills and no car to pay for.

All of this! I was only a year older than him when I moved to the other end of the country and worked three jobs to get by, and I'd been working full time for years by then.

Kick him out, NOW.

You have suggested £25, I would charge more to compensate for his unreasonable behaviour. I would also inform him that he has 1 month in which time I expect his behaviour to be modified so that it is socially acceptable to all or he will have to make alternative living arrangements. You are being bullied in your own home and you need to put a stop to it.

Sounds like he needs a lesson in growing up.

This. And a 21-year old. Lazy entitled shit.

What exactly is it with entitled, lazy young adult males in society? Seriously it seems to be an epidemic.

You know that YANBU at all here. A bit late now but definitely need to look to install some incentive to work, pay his way and be a decent person.

How embarrassing your son being on universal credits. Sort it out and make him get a job and pay rent!!!!!

Have you told your son that as he is over the age of 18 that you are no longer responsible for housing him? He either pays his way or leaves . Tell him he has two weeks to find some where to live. Start packing his things when he doesn't bother to find somewhere. I had the same with my eldest, now he pays board and works full time. Set the boundaries

Your son is the same age as my youngest. Mine has worked full time for the last three years and also going to university full time.
I work with a 20 year old who again works full time and then does bank shifts at a hospital.
I am another who also doesn't understand how and why your son is claiming benefits unless they is more for you to add?

You need to really get tough with your son, you are doing him no favours. He either steps up, starts contributing or he will have to find himself somewhere else to live. He will then find out just how far his money goes.

He’s not living on benefits, he’s getting the JSA of £75 odd a week. He’s only getting away with it because his parents are covering his living costs.

OP, I’d skip the ultimatum and give him and eviction notice. Sixty days. He’s only an occupier and you could have the police remove him any time you choose.

You need to insist he pays some contribution to housekeeping.
If he doesn't he moves out. Be firm.

Why doesn't he work?

I don't usually support parents charging their adult children rent - but in this case you must. He's rude, he's lazy, he's entitled and you need the money.

You would be doing your son a favour in the long run by teaching him to budget and that living costs money.

i would set him a deadline of getting a job, and take a fair chunk of money off him each payday (keep it or save it for him, whichever) - so that he learns to cut his cloth according to his income. That might make UC a lot less appealing… at the moment he basically gets a huge amount of pocket money.

I would change the lock on the door when he takes his pay to his mates. Tell him that he should take that money and get himself a room

This.
You hear all the awful stories of people being sanctioned, and I really am pro a welfare state.
Then you see this.
Does he not have to journal hours of looking for work? Do they not make him do applications of sanction him?

He behaves like this because you are enabling it. its time for you to stop enabling him. there are lots of jobs out there so give him 3 months to get a job and get his own place. do it now or this is your life for ever.

Personally if this was my son I would pack his bags and send him to live with his friends that he buggers off to - as hard as it will be if you don’t put your foot down now he will forever take the piss !!

Kick him out, you're not doing him any favours at all

But doesn’t he have to show he’s making an effort to look for work, or do they pay it for just sitting on your arse?

He's behaving like an absolute shit, isn't he? You need to start setting some boundaries. But you know this.

They're fuelled by resentment that the world - and women - aren't giving them everything they want for no effort on their part at all.

Well no wonder he hasn't got a job, he doesn't need one while being enabled by you OP. Only a couple of generations ago children had to leave school at 14 to go out to work and help feed the family.
Give him a week to get a job or he's out the door

He needs to get a job. Then he will appreciate the value of money.

Yes, he needs to pay something. My DD is a student (partly funded by us admittedly) and she also had a job here with varying hours when she's home.

When she was at home during lockdown, she started moaning about the fact we hadn't got certain foods she wanted. I was reluctant to buy as most are more expensive, so the compromise is that she buys those items and sometimes (and it is sometimes) cooks us a meal out of them. It's not a lot but she'll pop down to supermarket once a week and come back with shopping worth between £10-25. It is only helps feed her, better than nothing.