AIBU to expect my son to pay his way???

[CalmDownKaren]

my 21 year old son lives at home with us. I absolutely have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is his attitude towards finances and working. He does not work and claims universal credit. He pays us nothing and literally eats us out of house and home. I’ve explained frequently that food is now very expensive, and add to this the increasing cost of gas and electric it’s costing us a fortune to keep him. He pays no lodge because once he gets his monthly benefits he clears off to stay at friends spending his money on expensive takeaways, owing money back that he has borrowed and going out until he is broke. He then comes back and expects us to cover all his food, energy and internet. When I challenge him about this he is surly and defensive and turns every conversation into a shouting match where he somehow successfully manages to always lay blame at us. He is loud, messy, blasts out music and unsociable hours and appears to have no concept that he is costing us money we can’t afford (I care for our disabled daughter and husband works a minimum wage job). Am I being unreasonable to expect a frikkin 21 year old male adult to pay his way or get out? Even though he is on benefits I feel like £25 a week is a reasonable amount to ask for. That would then leave him £160 a month for himself. He has no bills and no car to pay for.

I can remember when Mum asked me to pay £5 a week out of my YTS money which earned me £27.50 a week. I thought that was very unreasonable at the age of 16 but she was more than right. Every young person should pay their way.

You need to set some boundaries in place. If he doesn't come good he's out. But whether or not you can follow through with that (and if you can't he may play on it).

This screams of a young adult with no direction, purpose, healthy interests. The devil makes work for idle hands - he is hitting back due to an obvious lack of boundaries and he hasn't grown up and developed any sense of responsibility or respect, whether than has been through issues or lack of mentoring and guidance in his formative teen years or he is just a lazy shit is irrelevant a baying mob mentality with an "easy" solution to kick him out without knowing the details of his life is not helpful for you and potentially dangerous for him.

Explain to him calmly the rules of the house going forward. You love him and he always has a safe home with you but he is expected to be respectful within it. He contributes £xx amount (most of his benefits), he contributes to housework, he eats family meals etc, he shows respect in the house - no loud music, is quiet if coming in late etc. If he plays loud music go into his room and do not leave until he turns it down, stay calm even if he kicks off. If he doesn't contribute to housework don't do anything for him - no lifts, meals made, laundry done with family laundry, don't take in parcels, change internet password.

Spend time with him and talk about what support he needs to find work, get a purpose and get out of the rut he is in, his self esteem and confidence will be at an all time low and he will need your help with getting back on track more than he ever needed you before as a child. If he wants money he need to be applying for every entry level job vacancy he can find - nightshifts shelf stacking in retail, fast food, labourer, just to get a purpose and experience. There is something out there for him, it will be harder with no experience yet but he needs to keep trying until he finds someone who will give him a chance. The only jobs I would not expect him to apply for would be carer type roles unless he is suited to them as the stakes are too high there if he gets it wrong.

Yes he is 21, he is an adult, but for whatever reason is hasn't been a successful launch and you need to put in the hard work to support him with this before it is too late.

So you give her money for her to give it back?

It's more that the post was created to invite benefits-bashing with comments such as 'people who are able to work can claim benefits?!' thus perpetuating the sterotype that those on benefits fit that description.

As the OP has not returned, I take nothing in her post at face value. Read between the lines...

@CalmDownKaren ultimatum time for him and £25 is nowhere near enough either. My friend’s son didn’t want to work at Tesco so she said ‘if you claim benefits I’m taking all of it because you shouldn’t be so choosy but if you get a job I’ll only deduct part of it’. He went to work at Tesco and found he actually enjoyed it!

What a lazy so-and-so.
He needs to get a job and you need to stop pandering to him. Take some of his UC to put towards food and bills. Sometimes, being a good parent means you need to give your kids a kick up the arse and not allow them to take the p*ss.

make a list of your household expenses - rent, gas, electric, broadband, food, council tax etc. Divide by however many people living at your house = the amount he should be paying. get him to do via standing order as you dont want an argument each month and appear to be begging for it.

we charged when our son left school as he was happy working PT in a supermarket - fine if thats what he wanted but i wasnt subsidising it.

as others have said you are doing him no favours

No YANBU. He is acting like a toddler so if you have tried reasonable conversation (sounds like you have) it might be time to start treating him like one. Your contribution request is very small but it will make a decent dent in his benefits, enough to feel it so yes, ask for that. Start say 1st Jan and if he hasn't paid by the end, change the wifi password, end feb, turn off his radiator and take away the thermostat, end Mar stop laundry and cooking, etc 6 months in you need him to leave and change the locks the day after payday. He needs a job, he can only manage without one because he has a free ride so you will be doing him a favour in the long run. He needs some experience and something to take up his days other than gaming and takeaways. Cruel to be kind I say, but also can you afford to subsidise a grown ass man for the rest of your days... doesn't sound like it.

It pretty much sickens me that a 21 year old who is presumably able to work, is taking UC; why should the taxpayer fund his decision to lay about?
I am thinking of my DH here, who worked for many years paying through the nose in tax, while he had a reasonable salary although he was not massively paid. We used to joke that he was supporting about five families, though no DC of his own. Then he was made redundant and was too unwell to work. In all that time he has not rreceived a penny from the state in spite of all he had paid in. So forgive me if I am impatient about this young man apparently sponging off the taxpayer.
However there are wise and understanding words from Survey99 just above my post. I hope you take that advice OP. Where is your DH in all this? Surely a decent father would not be sitting by and letting his son act like this.

This is how you parent 👏

You have obviously never been totally exhausted with caring for others, and ground down with worry and responsibility.

It's exhausting.

It doesn't leave any energy for arguing and fighting - all you want is to sit down quietly and res when you can without any discord.

OP I'd warn him that you need that £100 going via direct debit into your bank account each month otherwise you will put him out. And if he doesn't comply, next time he's out, pack up his stuff and get the locks changed. If he creates a ruckus and tries to break in - call the police if necessary.

It isn't just the money; the strain on your own physical.. mental and emotional health is enormous. You can't continue like this or you will become very ill.

I agree with @Survey99 . The only thing I think differently is that once you set up the boundaries he will be so angry that you'll find it difficult to get near him, let along spend time with him. For the first few weeks, anyway. It all needs doing though, albeit without anger or aggression.

Your son is a manchld and needs a reality check, give him an ultimatum of grow up or move out

hmm. How can he claim benefits and not be expected to work? unless he's disabled, surely he'd be sanctioned by now? (I kind of agree with @NippyWoowoo , this thread is inviting benefits bashing)

In any case, I'd chuck him out if I were you. Give him a warning, and if he doesn't pay £50 a week to you, chuck him out. And I say that as someone who is pretty lenient towards their adult children....

Op, all these replies and you are not even bothered to come back to your thread..pretty crappy.

I don’t see why that is an excuse for his appalling attitude

Sorry OP but you've raised a lazy scrounger.
Remove his bedroom door from its hinges - no privacy, nothing.
Minimum food.
Demand 50% of his UC.
His life is way too cushy.

I would take a bit more that that. This amount doesn’t touch the sides. Is uses able to work? I’m presuming yes. Like others have suggested, he needs an indent so I would give him 60 days to start paying and get a job or he leaves. If Christmas weren’t in the way, I’d half that time. There are too many jobs for people.

Why do Ops bother creating a post if they aren't going to reply?? 🙄🙄So frustrating.....

Annoying as shit. Asking for advice but don’t have the decency even to say thanks. A bit like her son I guess.

Reading your other post it does seem like it's normal in your household for the men to treat you like shite....maybe stems from their DF not stepping up by continuing to let them be disrespectful to you.

This is a problem that isn't going away anytime soon unless you take it upon yourself sort out..

You work full time, as you say in your other post and I take from this post you have a disabled DD, you've enough to be going on with with.
At the very least you deserve to be respected and unfortunately it doesn't sound like it's going to be forthcoming unless you do issue an ultimatum to all 3 males.

Maybe her names IS Karen... Karen is not the 'n' word ffs its a real name millions of people have.

If her screen name was CalamityJane, ChattyCathy, NosyNellie, AnxiousAlice or DontPanicSandra, ByeFelicia etc... would you take offense instantly?

What favours are you doing your son - a grown man of 21 - by allowing him to think that life is a free ride, hitching a lift from someone else? What will he do when you aren't around anymore to allow him to behave like a baby? Find some other poor sod to settle on? Unless he has a valid reason for being unable to work he should get off his backside and find a job - while you enable him that 'ain't going to happen. What I cannot understand is how you can allow this to carry on - you surely don't need people on here to point out how wrong it all is?

@CalmDownKaren Your situation fits the definition of domestic abuse and financial abuse. Phone Women's Aid and get some advice and support for yourself, then think about what your options are.

Why can't your son get a job? At this time of year, pubs, restaurants and shops all need staff.