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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my son to pay his way???

159 replies

CalmDownKaren · 05/12/2022 14:23

my 21 year old son lives at home with us. I absolutely have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is his attitude towards finances and working. He does not work and claims universal credit. He pays us nothing and literally eats us out of house and home. I’ve explained frequently that food is now very expensive, and add to this the increasing cost of gas and electric it’s costing us a fortune to keep him. He pays no lodge because once he gets his monthly benefits he clears off to stay at friends spending his money on expensive takeaways, owing money back that he has borrowed and going out until he is broke. He then comes back and expects us to cover all his food, energy and internet. When I challenge him about this he is surly and defensive and turns every conversation into a shouting match where he somehow successfully manages to always lay blame at us. He is loud, messy, blasts out music and unsociable hours and appears to have no concept that he is costing us money we can’t afford (I care for our disabled daughter and husband works a minimum wage job). Am I being unreasonable to expect a frikkin 21 year old male adult to pay his way or get out? Even though he is on benefits I feel like £25 a week is a reasonable amount to ask for. That would then leave him £160 a month for himself. He has no bills and no car to pay for.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 06/12/2022 11:58

He needs to:

  • Contribute to the household
  • Stop dossing around
  • Get a job

If you do not set a deadline for him to do the above, you are enabling his lifestyle.

Set clear parameters, consequences and deadlines.

He sounds like he needs a kick up the arse. Why isn't he looking for a job?

caringcarer · 06/12/2022 12:02

Rules on our house were in education or get a job. There are so many job vacancies out there ATM. I would not tolerate him being on benefits and not working. My advice would be to tell him to get a job or move out.

oakleaffy · 06/12/2022 12:06

He needs a job and to start paying his way!

cakedelights · 06/12/2022 12:12

Teens are hard work & very difficult in this new generation to deal with. They are often pampered, spoilt & self entitled!!!

jaxmum22 · 06/12/2022 12:12

Chances are if you do persuade him to part with £25 a week he’ll act even more ‘entitled’ and you’ll end up with him eating more of your food, giving out more of his anti social behaviour because he feels he’s doing you a favour by giving you a paltry £25 a week. Tell him get a job and pay you a decent amount for feeding him putting a roof over his head etc or get out. I’d give him until the end of January

deveronvalley · 06/12/2022 12:13

My stepson was similar to this at 19 and his mum just lost it one day and told him to leave. He didn't tell his Dad and me (embarrassed probably - he'd also lost his driving licence and pranged my old car we had gave him and insured). To be honest, it was the making of him. He sofa-surfed for a bit then got his act together. A couple of years on, he is working regularly and making decent money, rented a flat with a girlfriend in the city with better bus links (on account of the car fiasco), they've since split up but he's kept the flat on and managing things well. His Dad initially helped him out a bit with getting jobs/training/experience but now he sorts himself out with agency work and is a fully-fledged adult. He's repaired his relationship with his mum. He's now trying for a job overseas to see something of the world. We're all really proud of him! OP, your boy can definitely turn this around, but it may be that he has to be at the edge of the cliff first!!

caringcarer · 06/12/2022 12:15

@Onnabugeisha, JSA is still a benefit. His work coach must be hopeless.

cakedelights · 06/12/2022 12:16

My daughter is 15 I make her pay her way from her pocket money it's brutal but it's for her own benefit in the long run. If I didn't do this, she would blow it Mac Make up which isn't cheap !

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 12:18

cakedelights · 06/12/2022 12:16

My daughter is 15 I make her pay her way from her pocket money it's brutal but it's for her own benefit in the long run. If I didn't do this, she would blow it Mac Make up which isn't cheap !

This is an interesting approach. How much pocket money does she get and how much does she give you back?

NippyWoowoo · 06/12/2022 12:19

One post OP? Nothing but a goady benefits-bashing post

whatwasIgoingtosay · 06/12/2022 12:25

Well, I voted YABU because you're enabling this shocking behaviour and not demanding rent and higher standards, yet you come on a public forum moaning about it. The answer lies in your own hands. Just read the responses on this thread

thepenismightier · 06/12/2022 12:27

Rainraindontgoaway · 05/12/2022 15:18

How can some one who is able to work get away with claiming benefits??? The system is a joke. WTAF 😳

Agreed.

Tillylime · 06/12/2022 12:27

Easy.
When he’s at his mates put a lock on his bedroom door and get a lodger.

Tillylime · 06/12/2022 12:29

NippyWoowoo · 06/12/2022 12:19

One post OP? Nothing but a goady benefits-bashing post

OP wasn’t benefit bashing. She claims benefits herself for her dd!

skyeisthelimit · 06/12/2022 12:30

OP, YANBU but sadly you have allowed the situation to happen and now need to be tough in order to change it.

I would take most of his benefits off him for living costs. He can't afford a social life and takeaways, if he wants those things then he needs to work for them.

You say he gets £260 a month and has no other costs, so I would take £50 a week off him, leaving him £60 for personal spends. It's not much but that is not your problem.

If he doesn't like it he can move out and fend for himself. He will sofa surf until his friends get fed up with him and it might bring him to his senses that he needs to work for a living.

While you put up with it and let him live like it, he will never do anything about it. Give him a deadline like the end of January to sort himself out or move out.

I agree with PP that YABU with your user name.
You need to change that.

Gemmanorthdevon · 06/12/2022 12:30

I'm usually really really pro adult children staying at home for as long as possible! And parenting doesn't stop at 18 etc etc etc. But! Parenting is about creating a successful independant adult..and by allowing him to behave like this, you are destroying his chances of being a successful independant adult! And what you should be asking yourself, instead of " is it reasonable I ask him to pay rent" is.." what chance has he got if I get knocked over by a bus tomorrow"

What you should be saying " you are an adult now, adults need to work. Or they don't survive very well. You need to get a job, and pay your way in life, or you will have to move out. I simply havnt got the money needed to support another adult" ..stand firm, he will either get a job, or he will have a paddy, doss about with friends for a few months and find out the hard way what its like to survive unemployed and homeless......and then come back and get a job 🤣

Good luck!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/12/2022 12:30

Why does he not have a job?

TheQueenOfHearts · 06/12/2022 12:31

If you don't do something it soon, he's going to become an awful person... Entitled, no good management of his finances, no respect for hard work.
I mean he's not even respecting his parents right now!
Force him out, for his own good.

SeemsSoUnfair · 06/12/2022 12:33

cakedelights · 06/12/2022 12:16

My daughter is 15 I make her pay her way from her pocket money it's brutal but it's for her own benefit in the long run. If I didn't do this, she would blow it Mac Make up which isn't cheap !

Confused. So you are teaching her you will pay her to pay her own way?
Don't think there is any lesson there.

Dello · 06/12/2022 12:40

I don’t think he should be paying you out of his benefits, I think he should be working.

MrsMitford3 · 06/12/2022 12:44

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 05/12/2022 14:43

YANBU re your son.

YABU re your username. The "Karen" thing needs to end.

I agree with both 100%

donttellmehesalive · 06/12/2022 12:50

I don't suppose he woke up at 21 like this so presume it has been building for a long time.

As there have never been any consequences for it, he continues doing it.

He has ignored your explanations and pleas, and any threats you might have made in the past did not come to pass.

So I suppose this time you just have to draw a line in the sand and mean it.

lamaze1 · 06/12/2022 12:58

If he was studying and being respectful id say yabu, but he is doing neither so you're most definitely NOT being unreasonable.

Unless there is a genuine reason he should be working. That aside, universal credit or not id be charging more than £25 a week. If he doesn't like it, he needs to move out.

devildeepbluesea · 06/12/2022 13:02

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 11:16

The problem is, if she kicks him out and he doesn't have a home, it's even harder to get a job and he'll be more likely to live on the streets or end up turning to crime so he can stay warm and fed.

Show quote history

He’d better get a fucking move on then hadn’t he.

fruitbrewhaha · 06/12/2022 13:03

I voted unreasonable, not because I don't think a 21 year old should be paying his way but because you have allowed for this.
Why is his level of ambition so low?
What does he plan for the rest of his life? To live with his parents and play xbox all day?
To smoke weed with his mates and eat shit takeaway?
to be skint forever?
You need to sit him down for a serious conversation, not an argument, about where his life is heading.
He can turn it around now but the longer he leaves if the harder it will be.
Tell him he has until 1 Jan to sort his shit out or move.