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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my colleague to withdraw christmas holiday request.

1000 replies

Jessiejuju · 05/12/2022 09:17

OK I feel terrible about this but me and my colleague who I get on with quite well normally have both requested Xmas day off but our manager has said that only one of us can have it off and that we need to sort ot out.I have asked her to withdraw her request as her and her husband they have no kids normally go to her husbands parents on Xmas day but they also go everyweek so it's not like they never see them where as I on the other hand have a 4 year old Autistic son he normaly goes to nursery but his nursery closes 1 week before christmas and doesn't open until next year the shift in question is a 3 hour shift between 7 and 10 in the morning so she and her husband could still be at his parents for lunch time where as because I am a single mama and the nurseries are closed I have no one to watch my son yes I could pay someone but it would be extremely expensive and he would most likely be very distressed with having someone he is unfamiliar with in his home plus it would be difficult for said person as my son is non verbal.
I do feel bad asking her to do this but if she won't then I am going to have no choice but to leave my job.

OP posts:

thing47 · 05/12/2022 18:53

I still think the issue has been caused by a shit manager, who could have addressed it in April when he noticed that both OP and colleague had requested Christmas Day off, both of them using the holiday booking system entirely correctly…

@Jessiejuju why don't you re-frame this problem as you and your colleague being on the same side and both equally cross with the manager who parked the issue for 6 months rather than deal with it at the time it occurred?

Neither of you are being unreasonable, the manager now needs to source an alternative to either of you working, whether that be working himself (if he isn't already) or finding cover care.

elephantsbreafh · 05/12/2022 18:57

Mumsnet is fucking wild. You have just as much right to the day off as your colleague does. I’m not sure why you’re being flamed for it when neither of you are in the wrong. It would be different if she had the request in first, but if it’s equal then neither of you are in the wrong and I’m not sure why MN is expecting you to give the day up rather than your colleague. It’s shit for either of you but if it were me, I’d let you have it!

MichelleScarn · 05/12/2022 18:57

Has op confirmed if colleague actually has already been granted christmas day off so it's not a battle of who gets,but op relying on colleagues swap?

elephantsbreafh · 05/12/2022 18:58

Just phone in sick. 🙃

maroonhaze · 05/12/2022 19:02

In our team we alternate so if someone has the whole of Christmas off one year, they're expected to do at least some days the next.

I absolutely understand that the OP has specific needs this year because of childcare but that isn't her colleague's problems, it's the manager's.

In a 24/7 service like this there needs to be an agreed system for booking leave that applies to all.

A record should be kept of who works what each year to keep it fair. You don't automatically get two whole weeks off because you have children and you shouldn't get to demand it all because you got in first.

FestiveFruitloop · 05/12/2022 19:02

Goldenbear · 05/12/2022 18:42

Yes those us with children have other responsibilities as well, they don't cease when you give birth.

At no point have I said those that don't have children don't contribute. It is exasperating to read the OP being labelled, 'entitled' when she has come on to a forum for help named, 'Mumsnet', I don't think she is and rationally speaking she isn't I don't really understand why we can't say that.

None of that bears any relevance to what I asked you, and the first sentence just serves to reinforce my impression that you do consider people with children more 'worthy' members of society than people without.

MoreSleepPleasee · 05/12/2022 19:02

Op YABVU you are getting 13 days off pet her have the 1 day. How have you managed to book 2 weeks off at Xmas?! So no one else can book it? Very unfair. My childs also autistic he wouldn't have cared less if I was here or not. Being autistic has nothing to do with it

JenniferBooth · 05/12/2022 19:03

And what if the person who is supposed to take over at 10am phones in sick. Will the colleeugue or OP be expected to stay later.

Survey99 · 05/12/2022 19:04

I would also factor in the difficulty with childcare as it's not easy to secure on Christmas Day. I would also take account of any other relevant personal circumstances for the other person (eg caring responsibilities that aren't related to children).

You expect people to bare their souls and private personal circumstances to their manager in a competition to try to justify why they are more worthy of Christmas day off? Intrusive and ridiculous.

HermioneWeasley · 05/12/2022 19:05

Let them discipline you. You might lose a day’s pay and get a warning but so what?

Brefugee · 05/12/2022 19:06

I'm going to assume that colleague has been granted the day off and that is why shitty-manager has told op she should ask colleague if she would change. (that's the only logical conclusion i can come to - in this case manager isn't actually as shitty as they appear, because they are allowing the staff to decide and isn't simply cancelling other colleague's day off)

If this is the case, and in pretty much all the other cases i can think of, the OP just needs to keep on repeating that she is unable to work on that day. Preferably in writing. Because then if she does face a "disciplinary" for not turning up, she can say that she has never wavered in her information to the manager that she is not available for reasons beyond her control.

But i also think OP (and colleague) should join a union anyway, and that OP at least should look for a new position that doesn't require her to work at times when she can't find childcare.

Coffeepot72 · 05/12/2022 19:08

Heaven help any members of your team who don’t have children or caring responsibilities, they’d never get any holiday!

LiveIngSun · 05/12/2022 19:09

I think you’ve had a pretty rough ride on this thread.

Personally I’d say care jobs are crying out for people. Either take the disciplinary or resign?

britsabroad · 05/12/2022 19:11

Sorry OP, I really feel for you. I don't understand the unkind comments on here. I imagine being a single mum to a child with autism is really tough and so is working a job with irregular hours. Especially a job in care which is really demanding. You must be shattered!
I think your manager is at fault for not managing the situation and to inform you now, so close to Christmas that you can't have time off is unreasonable. Its hard enough to find childcare as it is for chrostmas day, but to find childcare for your child with special needs on Christmas day - can't be easy? I don't see why your manager can't ask the other person to work instead? You worked last Christmas day so why do you have to work it again? If it comes to it, take the disciplinary and look for work elsewhere. I'd even consider going above the manager and complaining.

ExhaustedButHappy22 · 05/12/2022 19:12

@Jessiejuju have you had any disciplinaries before relating to non sickness absence?

If not since you have worked there for over 2 years, and have provided work with ample notice of the issue, explanations as to what the issue is, provided enough notice of booking the leave, can evidence that you have covered your fair share of festive shifts over last few years, can evidence you have offered alternative solutions etc. etc. They will not have a leg to stand on and if they do give you a disciplinary you would be within your rights to appeal it via HR or higher management. You are entitled to reasonable time off due to caring commitments - reasonable is usually defined as being last minute let down and needing a few hours to source alternative cover but given this is Christmas, you only recently found out and you've tried to address it plus it is only a 3 hour shift - this would fall within those parameters.

Ultimately - the manager should not be leaving you two to fight this out - it is their responsibility to resolve this and threatening you with a disciplinary is poor management.

alltoomuchrightnow · 05/12/2022 19:12

Whoa! What on earth does co worker being childless has to do with it?
I'm infertile, Christmas is a very painful time.. here I am again working extra days all over the period to help out those with kids..and I've had about 3 decades of this!
It's wearing pretty thin.
Only doing this year as need the money...
I would have honestly felt for you, had you not mentioned she is childless..

LiveIngSun · 05/12/2022 19:13

I have 5 children btw, I would still work a short shift to help a colleague in a tricky position. Whether it was a single mum with childcare needs or someone with an elderly relative alone. It’s not about having kids or it, it’s about a bit of compassion. My kids would survive a few hours without me, my husband would be there, so if a colleague was desperate I’d help. Maybe not all day, but until 10am… it’s not a huge fuss.

JenniferBooth · 05/12/2022 19:13

Manager is too bone idle to sort this and too tight to pay for agency staff

Fluffluff · 05/12/2022 19:14

No ones reason is more valid than another's
Get a random generator to pick a name

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 05/12/2022 19:14

You say you consider whether or not the person worked last Christmas, but surely the same (childless) people end up working every Christmas if you’re always taking these factors into account?

I say this as this is how my place works and I’ve worked the last 9! Nearly got a break on number 7 but I was pushed into cancelling it when a parent kicked off.

SpicyFoodRocks · 05/12/2022 19:16

Fluffluff · 05/12/2022 19:14

No ones reason is more valid than another's
Get a random generator to pick a name

The issue here is that OP has no one to look after her child. So she cannot do Xmas day. As in she can’t, not that she won’t. What if her name came up in the random generator?

JenniferBooth · 05/12/2022 19:18

Oh and New Year is not a replacement for Christmas for people without kids. We dont all go out on the piss just because we are child free.

Coffeepot72 · 05/12/2022 19:20

Oh and New Year is not a replacement for Christmas for people without kids. We dont all go out on the piss just because we are child free.

very true. I have no children and I’m not interested in New Year

JenniferBooth · 05/12/2022 19:24

Im the same In fact i find NY depressing. Always have done.

Floordilemma · 05/12/2022 19:28

Is this relevant?

Parental leave

https://www.acas.org.uk/parental-leave

Time off for dependants https://www.acas.org.uk/absence-from-work/time-off-to-help-someone-else

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