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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have ruined a wedding reception?

377 replies

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 00:29

Took on a weekend part-time bar job, needs must. I’m a single mum to teen DC who are fine to be left and I have a 9-5 in the week, so it made sense.

I’ve been working there 2 months now. It’s a large hotel that has wedding functions. I actually loved it at first, the buzz, having a crack and making conversation with people etc. Some of the other bar staff were similar age to me (late 30s) which was lovely as well.

The last month though, there’s been an influx of people leaving due to terrible working conditions. We are no longer getting tips due to ‘increased bills’, there’s a sexist new supervisor that insults us all in his own language (somebody used a translater on their phone to find out what he was saying to women under his breath all of the time, and it was vile), we aren’t allowed drinks on shift anymore (we used to be allowed to have drinks on draft, now that’s not allowed, we can only have water and the bars don’t even have a bloody sink so we have to leave the bar to walk across the hotel to a water machine, on 12 hour shifts), everybody is too scared to order staff food from the chef on breaks because he is also overworked and has a go at us for ordering food. It’s been awful but I was trying to stick it out.

We are very understaffed. I went in on Saturday, and found out that there were 2 weddings on in 2 different function rooms, and then a family party on in another room. Both weddings 200 people each, the family party 70 people. There were only 3 bar staff in the entire hotel, one for each function. We also have a main bar in the lobby but that was shut due to being understaffed. I had to manage a bar of 200 people completely alone. The managers left at 8pm, just as it was kicking off. Our bars shut at 2am so I knew I was in for it. The bar was always rammed with at least 6 people at any given time. By 11pm I craved the sweet release of death. I was dealing with sexual harassment from several different blokes, and had nobody to back me up. I kept getting shouted at for slow service, constant “For fucks sake love, how long does it take to pour a pint” (whilst I had 5 other drinks orders to do before him), people spending literally 10 minutes arguing about who’s paying for what round whilst other people shouted at me to serve them, people demanding free drinks “Oh I’m the best man don’t I get one?”, being called a “tight cow” for giving £5 in change in coins instead of a note. I couldn’t stand it. People who weren’t even part of the wedding kept wandering in as well angered that the lobby bar was closed, expecting to be served by me.

I than ran out of glasses, they’d all been used and nobody bothered bringing them back to the bar when they came to order again. That meant I had to leave the bar to go and collect some glasses, by the time I got back there were about 20 people at the bar, and I could only carry 8 glasses at a time so that’s all I had. First bloke ordered a beer, I go to pour and find the beer is empty. I announce I need to change the keg and that I’ll be right back, cue them all moaning at me.

I went to the basement to change the beers and then had a panic attack because I knew what I was in for when I got back. Insults and abuse. Then I had an epiphany. “I don’t have to do this. Nobody is forcing me to be here. I’m not their slave.” So I just went to the office to clock out and fucked off home (it was about 11:30pm at this point) where I spent the rest of the evening drinking wine and watching TV. I did feel slightly guilty that my actions my have ruined a wedding reception but then I didn’t care, it’s their own fault for being cunts to me. They weren’t a nice lot at all.

Woke up this morning to an incensed text from my manager. The other 2 bar staff in were too busy to notice my function had no bartender, so nobody covered me. Apparently didn’t take long for the bride and groom to notice they had no bar and they wandered the hotel for the rest of their wedding reception looking for a staff member (they couldn’t access the other 2 functions) to talk to. Eventually the poor girl at front desk got it which I feel awful about, I didn’t consider that. She was unable to serve them as had to be at the front desk, but she dealt with them screaming at her all night. The wedding party are fuming, have all left terrible reviews (I’ve read it and it’s full of personal insults about me) and are demanding a full refund from the hotel which will likely need to be granted. They were that busy trying to sort out the lack of bar they missed most of the dancing and food at their own wedding reception. I feel awful about my colleague at front desk but AIBU to think the wedding party deserved it and to not feel guilty about them. It goes without saying that I no longer have a job there, but it’s a relief. I also feel smug that the sexist supervisor had to clean up after them the next day. That typically would’ve been my job at 3am after the function.

OP posts:
Forgotthebins · 05/12/2022 11:36

You did right. I did bar work when I was younger and have had customers being arses, sexually harrassing me and making me feel miserable, with management nowhere to be seen. If management had been there, you would have stayed. If the customers had not been pricks, you would have stayed. You have nothing to feel bad about. Well done you.

whynotwhatknot · 05/12/2022 11:37

Its your manager that ruined it not you-id report them to everyone i could think of-theres obviously a head office aswell so i would tell them the reason why you quit

just not acceptable to leave you alone like that

AutumnCrow · 05/12/2022 11:39

I'd bet good money this hotel is in breach of the fire regulations, and that it's vanishingly likely that the ?4 staff on site were not conversant with the fire emergency plan.

Four untrained staff to evacuate 450-500 people. How do they get away with this? I presume some managers stay 'clocked on' when they're actually absent? That's a dodgy practice that Fire & Rescue would be interested in.

Janbohonut · 05/12/2022 11:41

No you were well within your rights, they have a management problem and it sounds like the wedding party didn't need any more booze anyway.

WonderousWalrus · 05/12/2022 11:47

If your manager did not protect you from this then you could well make a claim against them. Did you get fired or did you leave?

I would definitely be taking this further, for myself, but also to ensure that it is not repeated. That is if you feel up to it.

Forfrigz · 05/12/2022 11:51

Tell that manager to go and end himself, preferably in his own uncouth first language

Maverickess · 05/12/2022 11:53

Stravaig · 05/12/2022 07:58

But as usual because people are so fucking entitled around alcohol, even though they could see with their own eyes that there was ONE person trying to serve all those guests, keep stock going and collect/wash glasses they were abusive towards that person - how the fuck is that going to make anything any better?

Yes, this. If the wedding guests had been in any way decent human beings, they'd have seen what was happening, and pitched in: organised people to collect and return glasses, rationalised the orders, wrangled the queue, and ejected the abusive louts from the venue. Or even - radical this - had a good time without yet another drink!!!

You didn't spoil the wedding, OP. The guests couldn't celebrate a marriage without binge drinking, and verbally abusing and sexually harrassing the sole female staff member. That's on them.

That's the thing though, they didn't have to do any of that, they just had to not abuse another human being. OP says despite the position she was in if she hadn't been abused by the guests then she'd have stayed and served them.

It would have been sensible and logically sped things up if they had done all those things, but they didn't need to do that to keep the bar open, all they needed to do was behave in a half decent manner and not abuse someone.

They couldn't even do that, and some people are still defending them - effectively excusing abusing someone because they want a drink.

This attitude is part of the reason we're facing a shortage of staff in these jobs.

andymary · 05/12/2022 11:58

Don't blame you for doing what you did.

Forgive me if you did, but I didn't read that you had - and it's probably not something that you would think about doing at the time under all that stress, but you could have protected yourself a little more by messaging any other staff member higher up (line manager / duty manager / general manager) to notify them all of the situation earlier on in the night. Simply telling them of the danger that you were being put under due to the abuse, and the lack of safety and ability to accommodate the paying party due to understaffing. This would have been a great written record to show to HR or a tribunal that you were gravely in need of support from your employee, but none was offered. So they would have basically proven themselves guilty to neglect of an employee by not replying or supplying help.

In regards to reviews on TrustPilot / TripAdvisor - customer's are not allowed to use your name in a bad way, or swear or use derogatory phrases towards individual staff members within these reviews - it's against the terms of the review website. Customer's are only allowed to review the company as a whole, without picking on one person. This is likely why all the reviews were hidden/deleted.

TimeAtTheBar · 05/12/2022 12:08

Who is the DPS for the hotel? It’s likely to be the general manager.

If you report him/her to the Licensing Authority he will lose his license and be personally fined tens of thousands of pounds. Only having one person on a 200 person function is a clear breach of licensing objectives. I would put money on there being other breaches.

oakleaffy · 05/12/2022 12:13

Or even - radical this - had a good time without yet another drink!!!

Absolutely!
I saw a great T shirt slogan once:

“Instant Arsehole- Just add Alcohol “

Sounds like the guests were boorish anyway- and pissed up , and that us a horrible mix.

Alcohol has a horrible effect on some people, they become snipy and aggressive.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 05/12/2022 12:14

You did well to last as long as you did.
You didn't ruin a wedding
Best western did for not having enough staff and not looking after the very few that they did have.
It's disgraceful it really is. There you are pulling in money to line their bloody pockets while being abused by complete twats who fail to notice you only have one pair of hands.
Don't give it another thought. I'd complain to best western HR for how poorly you have been treated and I'd certainly not feel bad about it. It's been detrimental to your health.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 12:19

You didn’t ruin it OP. Your managers did by not making sure things were properly staffed, and by fucking off themselves and leaving you to it. Plus obviously the badly behaved guests.

I would have done the same thing - and I think you were right to’

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/12/2022 12:20

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 00:54

This place doesn’t care about rules and regulations. The bartender serving the family party was 17. Thankfully, the other bartender on that night is a huge confident bloke who can hold his own with abusive guests, and he was looking out for the 17 year old. The bars are covered in mould and there’s been problems with vermin. I know it sounds unbelievable that a place could be so mismanaged, but it’s true. I was a guest a wedding at this hotel about 10 years ago, and it had issues then. I almost want to name and shame, but I won’t.

Haven't read the whole thread but I'm putting money on it having been bought out fairly recently by a chain starting with a B. Expect it to be run into the ground then "mysteriously" catch fire and never re-open.

hot2trotter · 05/12/2022 12:20

You did the right thing. Anyone who disagrees obviously has never worked in hospitality and has had to put up with that kind of abuse from customers. I've been there, done that. Sure a thick skin is required to some extent - but I'd have walked out long before you did. I'm too old to put up with being spoken to and treated like dirt. Well done OP.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 12:22

Also, what’s this about keeping your tips? I didn’t think they were allowed to do that?

oakleaffy · 05/12/2022 12:24

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/12/2022 12:20

Haven't read the whole thread but I'm putting money on it having been bought out fairly recently by a chain starting with a B. Expect it to be run into the ground then "mysteriously" catch fire and never re-open.

Now that IS bizarre.
A “health club “mum was a member of ( and loved going to) for years did catch 🔥 fire, and a number of mature trees were felled “ as firefighter’s hoses “loosened the roots”

The site was redeve£oped.

Rather a convenient fire, locals thought.

GUARDIAN1 · 05/12/2022 12:28

I'm amazed you stuck it out until 11.30pm. I don't think I would have done. Your employer is doubtless breaking a whole raft of employment laws - and your manager making vile sexist comments is only one of them. I don't blame you one little bit. It was never going to work to have one member of staff per function. The blame lies squarely with your employer. If the girl on the front desk got it in the neck, she ought to maybe have followed your lead. There should have been a senior member of staff on duty to deal with it all. Don't feel guilty. Well done you.

AndEverWhoKnew · 05/12/2022 12:33

The wedding party didn't deserve it. It wasn't their fault you were understaffed or that for some reason the waiting staff didn't collect empty glasses (which is what usually happens at functions - if there is limited bar staff).
I agree with a PP that it's very surprising they went looking for someone rather than just helping themselves. I feel very sorry for the wedding party. All that planning and money and the reception was ruined.

MassiveSalad22 · 05/12/2022 12:35

AndEverWhoKnew · 05/12/2022 12:33

The wedding party didn't deserve it. It wasn't their fault you were understaffed or that for some reason the waiting staff didn't collect empty glasses (which is what usually happens at functions - if there is limited bar staff).
I agree with a PP that it's very surprising they went looking for someone rather than just helping themselves. I feel very sorry for the wedding party. All that planning and money and the reception was ruined.

Wedding guests should have been nicer, or at bare minimum polite in their complaints, and then OP wouldn’t have left. Also how do you expect them to help themselves from a locked bar?

Maverickess · 05/12/2022 12:36

Actually, thinking on this, it could be slanted a completely different way if a report to licensing were to happen.

You're not allowed to serve people alcohol when they're already drunk, the guests were becoming rowdy, aggressive and abusive - a sign of being drunk and a logical conclusion to draw because OP was the one serving them, so she knew how much they'd drank.
She closed the bar because it would have been irresponsible to continue serving them alcohol and had she continued, she could have been held liable for any disorder/issues that arose as the person serving them. Her personally. She was aware she was alone and would be unable to manage a large crowd who were drunk, aggressive and abusive.

She has now lost her job because she followed the law on this....... I'm not sure how you'd square walking out though with that.

Just a thought @BeagleLover1 as to how to term it if you decide to contact head office.

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 12:37

AndEverWhoKnew · 05/12/2022 12:33

The wedding party didn't deserve it. It wasn't their fault you were understaffed or that for some reason the waiting staff didn't collect empty glasses (which is what usually happens at functions - if there is limited bar staff).
I agree with a PP that it's very surprising they went looking for someone rather than just helping themselves. I feel very sorry for the wedding party. All that planning and money and the reception was ruined.

Well, not really: they had bar service til 11pm so a decent chunk of the evening. Hardly a ruined reception and not the OP’s fault it was understaffed either.

They couldn’t “help themselves” because OP wisely locked the bar when she went to change the keg, because the guests were drunken arseholes.

She was the only one on staff.

I don’t think she had a choice here, actually: another three hours of alcohol for idiots already accusing her of overcharging, yelling abuse at her, etc, would have ended in violence.

Allsnotwell · 05/12/2022 12:37

Bride groom and wedding guest have paid a fortune for some service and to be free of ‘normal’ expectations -

Those weren’t met and it wasn’t OPs issue it was management for taking premium bookings at premium prices and not getting what they paid for - good efficient service.

IneedanewTV · 05/12/2022 12:37

I think some posters are forgetting that bar staff are paid minimum wages. They are not paid management wages. Why should the OP have told management before she left? If management had been there they would have seen it. Where was the duty manager? Appalling. These places need to pay proper wages and then they will recruit. Hospitality takes over your life. You can’t just leave when your shift finishes if there is no one to hand over too. It’s crap and needs to change.

AliceDownTheRabbitHole · 05/12/2022 12:37

Do you work at a Britannia Hotel by any chance!?

Forfrigz · 05/12/2022 12:38

The wedding guests were a bunch of baboons. I only wish I could see the look on their ape faces once they realised OP wasn't returning and the bar was locked, in fact I hope they find this thread and read this post too.