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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum keeps accidentally calling herself mum

182 replies

twinmum2022 · 04/12/2022 15:21

Right, I do have a weird history with my mum so don't know if I'm being over sensitive.

But... when she's talking to my babies she quite often accidentally refers to herself as "mum".

For example, "aah come and see mummy" when she picks them up or "ohh shall mummy do it" when they drop their dummy ect.

She does correct herself but it really annoys me. Throw in a bunch of comments about what she'd rather they wear and constantly taking the pram away and I'm getting a bit fed up...

Am I being sensitive, are these just normal grandparent things we all suck up?

OP posts:
wordler · 05/12/2022 19:48

It could be accidental - my parents kept calling my DD my name for the first few months - I don't think I ever heard my Mum call herself Mummy but it wouldn't have bothered me at that age. But I had a very close relationship with her so I would have just thought it was a sweet slip-up.

5128gap · 05/12/2022 19:54

I must admit I've done this once or twice. Pure accident when caring for GC. I've been mum for years to DC (and pets!) and its habit, whereas nanny was new and takes some getting used to. I correct myself immediately. DD has never taken offence she knows there's nothing meant by it. However I'd never dream of criticising her choices or grabbing the pram. I know my role and have no desire to be mum.

OCDmama · 05/12/2022 20:08

I think a lot of posters are overreacting to the mummy thing. My mum has done it with my daughter, and I've also gotten confused myself and call her mummy. My daughter is the only one clear on who's who tbh.

VariantHela · 05/12/2022 20:33

My MIL did this and I saw red every single time and pulled her up on it. She no longer does it. I found it weird (DC is her first grandchild and she is very clingy with her to the point where I don't actually think its normal and keep her at arms length)

CambsAlways · 05/12/2022 20:55

Never once have I made the mistake calling myself mum when I’ve held or spoken to my grandchildren, not normal behaviour! And what’s that about telling you what they should wear and taking the pram away, none of this is normal op

AllyArty · 05/12/2022 21:33

I would say something to your child in front of her like ‘silly granny is forgetting who she is’. And then turn to her and say ‘is everything mum, that’s not the first time you mixed us up?’ She will think twice before she says it again.

saraclara · 05/12/2022 21:48

AllyArty · 05/12/2022 21:33

I would say something to your child in front of her like ‘silly granny is forgetting who she is’. And then turn to her and say ‘is everything mum, that’s not the first time you mixed us up?’ She will think twice before she says it again.

...and another one.

I think that this might be the thread that makes me give up on this place.

YNK · 05/12/2022 21:51

speakout · 05/12/2022 10:41

I don't know the OP's mother no- but I know my own mother, and not a stretch to imagine otjer grandparents may be similar.

Show quote history

This is called projection - it's not psychologically healthy, guaranteed to damage relationships and certainly not something to teach your children unless you actually want them to lead an unhappy life!

Canthave2manycats · 05/12/2022 22:14

Gem123J · 04/12/2022 18:38

My MIL does this too, as well as my FIL calling my MIL mum to my daughter! although not as often.

BUT I really don’t get how they can do this accidentally on numerous occasions.

  1. their children are 55, 52, 49 and 35 (my DH). So obviously it’s been a good few years since they’ve had to refer themselves as Mum or Dad to a young child in a child-like manner.
  2. My daughter is they’re 9th Grandchild so it’s not something new to have a grandchild and make this mistake. They even have great-grandchildren!

I don’t know why it annoys me so much, well I do actually because they would really mollycoddle my daughter when she was a baby, still do, and they act like she’s her own child and that they’ve never had their own children (they obviously have!), like wanting to buy gifts from Santa but at their house, wanting to do easter egg hunts etc. When they know I’m doing these things in my own house! And they always say how lucky we are when it’s Christmas, with it being magical with a child, but they’ve got to do it 4 times over so it’s not like it’s something they’ve missed out on!

Anyway, they also laugh it off rather than correcting themselves which bugs me!

It’s too late to start correcting them with my daughter since she’s 6, but I’m expecting another baby very shortly so I will be correcting them if the same happens with this one.

My parents were the same. My eldest was the first grandchild on both side. I loved how much they loved my children, and how good they were to them. Santa came to both houses, and they did Easter egg hunts. I was never "annoyed" - not in the slightest! I loved to be able to share my children with them.

I've always been so glad I did because we lost them both when my kids were 9, 7 and 3. The ILs were useless.

I think some of the criticism here levelled at grandparents is just awful. Grandparents can be our children's greatest cheerleaders, after their parents! I don't get why some comments are so nasty and aggressive! Typical of this site though, people lining up to be outraged!

wordler · 05/12/2022 22:39

It is a fairly easy mistake to make - I’ve also done it several times absentmindedly to my friends’ children. And other people’s pets.

The OP feels like other things are going on too so perhaps it ties in with other concerns but it’s not always a red flag.

coffeetofunction · 05/12/2022 22:42

twinmum2022 · 04/12/2022 15:32

Haven't spoken to her about it yet as didn't know if I was being sensitive, she usually takes things like this quite personally so wanted to make sure it was worth saying something.

My children are 4 months old and the only and first grandchildren most likely.

We didn't spend a huge amount of time together; we're quite different so never had like "mother/daughter" time really, I see her more now because I think she's keen to see the babies.

I'll say something next time it happens.

I think it's easily done but not often..... I've nearly done it a couple of times with my DN but my filter has stopped me. I've been mum for 18 years and auntie for a few months. I would address it but remember it might just be a slip of the tough

Barney60 · 05/12/2022 22:59

Going possibly against most here, i have my first grandchild and have by mistake said come to mummy, realised quickly and changed what ive said.
Have even called him the dogs name by mistake, (boys name)
Every time no, accidently on occasion acceptable.

Phelicity · 05/12/2022 23:27

Canthave2manycats, a voice of reason, your post is so refreshing. Of course the momentary slip of the tongue comes from love for a grandchild. It’s sad and disturbing that so many believe it’s malicious or an attempt to take control. Of course it’s not.

Phelicity · 06/12/2022 00:03

Don’t give up Saraclara, I’ve agreed with everything you’ve said.

speakout · 06/12/2022 07:02

It’s sad and disturbing that so many believe it’s malicious or an attempt to take control. Of course it’s not.

But it can be- so me grandmothers can be malicious and controlling.
It isn't always a slip of the tongue.
Grandmothers are ordinary women- some lovely, some nasty, some narcissistic.

I overheard my mother tell my then 19 year old daughter that is she wanted help then to come to her. Because she is the "wise one" in the family and any life advice that I would give would probably be wrong.
Says a women who caused her own children childhood trauma, including my 14 yo sister leaving home to live with her 20 yo boyfriend.
My mother has never worked, never learned to drive, never bought a house.
Thankfully my DD can see her grandmother for who she is, and wouldn't dream of bringing her life challenges to her.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 06/12/2022 10:28

I had my first grandson when my own youngest (of4) was 7 and I did it all the time - but I did have 1 older and 3 under 12’s and I was ‘mum’ still iykwim. I was also looking after my GD whilst DDiL worked 2 days a week, doing all the mum things, it felt weird once I’d said it, but I did do that a lot and not intentionally. I didn’t always correct as she was so young but once she started speaking and called me grandma it just fell into place very naturally and I can’t imaging slipping up now, she might not be doing it deliberately, I wasn’t.

YNK · 06/12/2022 10:38

speakout · 06/12/2022 07:02

It’s sad and disturbing that so many believe it’s malicious or an attempt to take control. Of course it’s not.

But it can be- so me grandmothers can be malicious and controlling.
It isn't always a slip of the tongue.
Grandmothers are ordinary women- some lovely, some nasty, some narcissistic.

I overheard my mother tell my then 19 year old daughter that is she wanted help then to come to her. Because she is the "wise one" in the family and any life advice that I would give would probably be wrong.
Says a women who caused her own children childhood trauma, including my 14 yo sister leaving home to live with her 20 yo boyfriend.
My mother has never worked, never learned to drive, never bought a house.
Thankfully my DD can see her grandmother for who she is, and wouldn't dream of bringing her life challenges to her.

Is projection endemic in here?

It's really not psychologically healthy and will disrupt and distort relationships!

It's not something you should teach your children unless you want this legacy to continue to undermine familial relationships down throughout the generations.

speakout · 06/12/2022 10:53

YNK I am not projecting onto anyone- I am simply speaking of my own family, and that it is possible to have problematic parents.
There has been generational trauma in my family for a long time, I am changing that and protecting my own children.

5128gap · 06/12/2022 11:22

StrawberryWater · 04/12/2022 17:04

Your mum is way passed the stage where she would “accidentally” call herself mum/mummy. Your baby’s are 4 months old, not 4 days. Tell her to pack it in. Creepy woman. She can either be gran/Nan or the woman you never see.

What a ridiculous overreaction.
I've done this myself, pure accident. I'm 53, not particularly forgetful, not even slightly creepy, and have no desire to be my GCs mother. It comes from years of referring to yourself as mum and doing it an auto pilot when you're busy caring for GC.

I actually mentioned this daft comment to my own DD, who thinks it's bizarre that anyone would even think of depriving their child of a relationship with a loving GP based on a slip of the tongue.
Frankly if your relationship with your child is so tenuous you think they'll become confused who their mother is, or that the grandparent is any form of threat to you, you have way bigger problems.

AllforGloria · 06/12/2022 11:30

The OP also said she had strained relationship with her mother and that she would grab the pram off her and criticise the kids’ clothes, plus it bothered her enough to start the thread in the first place. Based on the information given, there’s more reason to presume it was deliberate than innocent. That’s not projection.

Phelicity · 06/12/2022 11:53

The OP’s telling of the situation is, of course, subjective, but she been open-minded enough to come here to ask for other peoples’ views on the issue, and several grandmothers have said they do the same thing themselves and they’ve explained how it happens, in such numbers as to indicate it’s a fairly common occurrence.

I hope the OP will be reassured that nothing sinister is going on. Regarding taking over the pram and opinions on clothes etc, again I think a lot of over-eager grans would admit to that too. I never thought my baby GD was warm enough…… (ok, I was wrong).

speakout · 06/12/2022 12:00

I hope the OP will be reassured that nothing sinister is going on. Regarding taking over the pram and opinions on clothes etc, again I think a lot of over-eager grans would admit to that too.

But you don't know that.
I am sure there are many lovely grans out there, and yes a slip of the tongue is understandable.
But grans can also be malicious and spiteful- only the OP will know what she is dealing with- we are strangers who can't give her valid reassurance.
Sometimes ( mostly hopefully) will be lovely.
But some are not.

Phelicity · 06/12/2022 12:07

I think the overwhelming likelihood is that no harm is intended.

5128gap · 06/12/2022 12:25

Phelicity · 06/12/2022 12:07

I think the overwhelming likelihood is that no harm is intended.

I agree. Clearly there are people who have very difficult relationships with toxic mothers, but the vast majority of grandmothers are just ordinary women doing their best in the role.
Not perfect, the odd slip up, the occasional over step maybe, but im sure no worse than any of the hyper sensitive territorial mums will be when they're grandparents themselves.
To catagorise the OPs mum as some sort of creepy, sinister child catcher based on their own experience of a difficult mother is ridiculous, when it's far more likely she isn't.

caringcarer · 06/12/2022 12:27

I have never referred to myself as Mum to my dgc. I do like to push a baby in a pram though. My dd lets me.