My mum keeps accidentally calling herself mum

[twinmum2022]

Right, I do have a weird history with my mum so don't know if I'm being over sensitive.

But... when she's talking to my babies she quite often accidentally refers to herself as "mum".

For example, "aah come and see mummy" when she picks them up or "ohh shall mummy do it" when they drop their dummy ect.

She does correct herself but it really annoys me. Throw in a bunch of comments about what she'd rather they wear and constantly taking the pram away and I'm getting a bit fed up...

Am I being sensitive, are these just normal grandparent things we all suck up?

My thoughts too! How regularly do you see your mum? I would step back and distance yourself before mentioning it.

My parents have done this a lot too. My dad handed my baby dd to my mother when she started to cry and said Aw there go to mummy for example. They also pretend it’s accidental but it’s not. I have a bad relationship with them, they are very controlling and can’t deal with not being central in every situation. I pulled back from them a lot because of things like this. I don’t want them confusing my dd and trying to undermine me in front of her. Now they are really pissed off with me for going against them and they take it out on me in subtle ways. Fortunately I know what they’re like after years of trying to break away. I think you need to set her straight but If your dm is controlling and usually gets her way, my advice is to prepare yourself because if you raise this with her or decide not to see her as often, there may be backlash and it could be indirect.

What's her memory like? Could be something neuro going on. She might be getting confused with her being a mum to you as a child and being nanna to them.

Sorry you don’t have a strong bond with Your mum OP, that’s hard, I know what that’s like. My mum did this, in fact she wanted to make up her own grandma-alternative name, which was…mama. I said no, it’s way too close to mum and I’m their mum. She was mortally offended and still occasionally refers to it now (DD is 10). Needless to say, my entire family including DCs now call her by her first name only, not even grandma. Mum is pretty gutted about that but it was her mistake. Tell your Mum this story OP and hope she gets it.

Yeah, it’s weird. But then my mum can’t stand to be called granny and has to have a ‘special’ alternative as granny is too aging 🙄🙄🙄🙄😬😬😬

she also constantly called my daughter by my name. She just very strongly remembers being a mummy when with the children and my children are quite like me. It annoys me but I try to keep a cool head and only say something lightly.

she never called herself mummy though.

You did say she always corrects herself though

Your babies are going to know who mum is so I don't know why on mumsnet people are so worried about it
The OP says her mum corrects herself
And when you have a couple kids you will find yourself when getting older going through the names and when have grandchildren even more
My nan goes though several sometimes before she gets to mine but I know who I am so don't need to take offence

"We didn't spend a huge amount of time together; we're quite different so never had like "mother/daughter" time really, I see her more now because I think she's keen to see the babies."
So you're seeing her at her instigation?

"Right, I do have a weird history with my mum so don't know if I'm being over sensitive."
How weird is weird? Is your history mutually respectful? Or is there boundary-crossing, bulldozering, disrespect, gaslighting, neglect, competitiveness, etc.?

"But... when she's talking to my babies she quite often accidentally refers to herself as "mum"."
It's not accidental. Anyone I know who has become a grandmother refers to themselves in that context as 'grannie'. And pretty damned thrilled to do so. Never mistakenly referred to themselves as 'mum'.

Given your "weird history" with her - is there any reason you can think of that she would choose to undermine you or diminish your self-confidence? Any reason why she would ignore boundaries an override you? You mention "a bunch of comments about what she'd rather they wear and constantly taking the pram away", so that's why I'm asking.

"Am I being sensitive, are these just normal grandparent things we all suck up?"
You are being sensitive, but not oversensitive. You are being sensitive to - as in, you are noticing - your mother's repeated overstepping the mark. I am wondering - does your weird history with her involve her playing mind games so that you have been left wondering which way is up?

THIS!

I don't think I call myself mum to my kids much at all, either now or when they were babies. Others called me that, I was just the big warm thing that gave them milk! If your baby is 4 months I'd say that's weird.

I agree healthadvice. I don’t think there’s anything sinister about it. I think there’s a lot of over-reaction on here - try not to worry OP, things will sort themselves out.

The idea of asking what she would like to be called is a good one.

My mum does this occasionally, immediately corrects herself. I think it's just habit, especially when it's your child's child. I don't think anything of it. She does sometimes call DS by my name then corrects herself to my brother's name, then gets it right! I think it's just remembering when she was a parent. She's also terrible with names.

I accidentally said to my 4 month old nephew whilst referring to his dad, my db ‘Joe’, “do you want to go to uncle Joe?” In front of my sil🤦‍♀️ In my defence, my db has been referred to as Uncle ‘Joe’ for the last 22 yrs as that’s how old my dd is. Luckily ‘Joe’ laughed. I did made sure I didn’t do it again though even if I do have ScrambledEggForBrains

She takes the pram away? What’s that about - she takes the pram away from you? Sounds like this goes beyond her accidentally calling herself mum.

A very good friend had this problem.
She solved it when the family were sitting round the table at dinner after a day together.

She very sweetly and concerned said to all that she was very worried that MIL couldn't remember that she was Granny to her two children. Could it be an early sign of alzhiemers or dementia? She thought MIL should see a Dr asap.

Her MIL never did it again.

Tell her to stop or you’ll have to get her assessed for dementia!

I babysit my niece one day a week when my sister works. I do this a lot too 🙈
Im just so used to it because i do it when im with my children..

Ha, didn’t see your post @StripeyDeckchair you beat me to it!

What an incredibly spiteful thing to do. I don't think it's her MIL that's the unpleasant person in that story.

It sounds very much like you don't have a great relationship with your mum (I 100% understand), why are you subjecting yourself to this contact?

My mum has done it twice, with my now 8 month old, and corrected herself both times.

As in “oh, look, it’s daddy. Oops, I mean grandad” type thing. I’m sure it’s just that they love the baby so much, it sometimes takes them back to when they had a baby.

But doing it repeatedly is annoying, and weird

I think sometimes it must just take them back. All my kids look exactly like their dad, I've often thought it must be a really odd feeling for my in laws

My mil did this. Drive me batshit. I don't think she realised she was doing it.

Your babies are only 4 months old - your mum has had years of thinking of herself as mum, being a nan is new and she's not in the habit of it yet. I think you are going oversensitive about it because she's also doing other things which irritate you. I think you should try to separate it out - if she was still doing it in a year's time, then fair enough to get annoyed.

My ils actively wanted to be called mama and papa, so it could be worse! Obviously I said no to that!

Gently correct her and call her whichever name for Grandmother she hasn't chosen (nanny - granny - nana...).

Itis most likely that she will correct you and use the agreed name herself each time.

If it is memory that is the problem - this will help. If she is trying to irritate you... then she won't be getting away with it :)