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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel comfortable with DH putting cameras up all over the house?

415 replies

Iwantyourmidnights · 04/12/2022 10:04

Please help settle a debate between DH and I.

We have a toddler DS who does lots of the usual adorable/funny/unexpected things, and DH keeps talking about installing cameras in every room in the house so that we can capture all of the funny candid moments. For example today he did something funny with our cat in our bedroom while I was getting dressed, I told DH about it and straight away he said 'this is why we should have cameras up!'.

I do kind of get where he's coming from, DS is his first child, he's an absolutely doting father and he loves taking and watching videos of him and watching him grow up. However, I've just started mat leave and before that worked from home full time. I said to him that I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing I was being filmed all day long when I'm at home alone. Especially in our bedroom where we sleep/get dressed/sometimes enjoy, ahem, private time!

DH thinks I'm the weird one and most people would be fine with being filmed 24/7 big brother style. I think he is terrible at empathy and seeing things from the perspective of others, and most people would feel uncomfortable as I do.

To avoid the inevitable LTB pile on, I just want to say I'm 100% certain there's no hidden abusive/nefarious reason why he wants to put cameras up.

So:

YABU - there's nothing wrong with living under 24/7 surveillance in your own home, stop being a weirdo.

YANBU - DH is the weirdo wanting to film every moment of every day on the off chance DS does something funny.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 04/12/2022 18:25

Weird. There's something called a memory. Not everything has to be filmed or photographed.

Phelicity · 04/12/2022 18:55

They’ve already resolved things between them…..

billy1966 · 04/12/2022 18:55

Good for him OP.

Sometimes we all need a "good idea" pointed out to be not the best after all.

Trollsintheforest · 04/12/2022 19:12

musingsinmidlife · 04/12/2022 15:57

I am actually not in the UK now. Maybe it is completely different here. Everyone videos their kids. The daycares and nurseries all have live streams you can log into, many people have nanny cams and video monitors they can use via phone to watch their kids in their own homes and most caregivers are expected to send parents videos and pictures throughout the day if out of the house. I was out for dinner with friends recently and two of them kept an eye on their kids through their phone apps during dinner. Here it isn't creepy at all, but considered the norm.

Show quote history

Gdpr?…

Mumsy2022 · 04/12/2022 22:32

YANBU - this is utterly weird and strange. Why he’d need to film every room, everyday, seems like he’s spying. Does this include the bathroom too? 🫣

Ok, your DS is doing crazy, funny things. All children do, but to invade yours and your sons privacy while at home, is odd. You could record them moments and send them to him on WhatsApp. It’s s definite no to cameras all over though, this isn’t normal.

Stick your ground OP and say no, no, no! Tell him you’d feel very uncomfortable and your privacy will be invaded.

Just be careful he don’t install cameras behind your back and hide them so you don’t see them.

purplehair1 · 04/12/2022 22:39

No. Absolutely not. What if you break up? He could use some footage as ammunition against you. Does it switch off at night? What about when you are getting jiggy?

milkywithsixsugars · 05/12/2022 07:47

YANBU. We have cameras up in our house (doorbell, front hallway, facing the back door, and in DCs room in place of a video monitor) which only get turned on when we’re out or at bedtime. The inside cameras are never on while we’re at home, up and about, and any overnight footage or anything from when we’re out of the house is checked later then deleted. We don’t use them as a way to catch “candid” moments, just as security. Anything more than that feels horribly intrusive, not just for us as a family, but for anyone visiting our home. I definitely wouldn’t be happy if my DP started having notions of turning our family home into the next season of Big Brother.

Passthecheeseboard · 05/12/2022 08:31

I don’t think it’s too abnormal, DH has installed security cameras throughout the house. We work nights so this way we know the house is secure when we are not in… They automatically record whenever they sense motion, and if I’m home alone DH can see me on the cameras and check I’m ok.

Zanatdy · 05/12/2022 08:33

Not a chance I’d have cameras up all over the house to capture a few cute moments.

knittingaddict · 05/12/2022 08:39

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 10:16

YABU based on your options.

We have cameras up everywhere, as do most of my friends, co-workers, family etc. it’s not uncommon

but not everyone feels the same, even if 90% of the population are fine with it, you’re not so that’s it.

Everywhere in the home? I would say that is incredibly uncommon and unhealthy.

I actually think it's abusive and in a family court case I know of personally the judge agreed.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/12/2022 08:47

Passthecheeseboard · 05/12/2022 08:31

I don’t think it’s too abnormal, DH has installed security cameras throughout the house. We work nights so this way we know the house is secure when we are not in… They automatically record whenever they sense motion, and if I’m home alone DH can see me on the cameras and check I’m ok.

Do you have a medical condition that means you need somebody checking in on you @Passthecheeseboard ?

I hope that isn't the case ... but if not - why does a grown woman need her husband to "check I'm ok", via cameras, in her own home?

Outfor150 · 05/12/2022 09:02

I would see it as abusive. It seems noticeable that two instances of a child being killed this year both had internal-house cameras -which also provided crucial evidence of the parents’ own abuse of their children -Arthur and Sebastian.

knittingaddict · 05/12/2022 09:05

Iwantyourmidnights · 04/12/2022 13:23

MN is being a nightmare for me today, it's taken me nearly an hour to post this reply!

@NoSquirrels yes, we have another baby due any day now. And to whoever asked, he started suggesting the idea around when DS started walking, so not coinciding with my maternity leave. And no I'm not planning on being a SAHM and he has no other controlling tendencies. I think the potential creepieness of it just failed to occur to him tbh.

I've shown him this thread (although neither of us have had chance to read every single response yet) and he well and truly accepts that he's in the minority and has eaten his words. We both suspect he may be slightly neurodiverse actually, and we've had a few conversations about him lacking empathy/the ability to understand other perspectives. He does also have form for having quite mad ideas sometimes.

Anyway, he said it was useful to gain so many other opinions and it's made him wonder what else he should be listening to me about, so thank you all for proving me right Grin

Thank goodness for that.

I know a child which was filmed in their bedroom. They became aware at a young age and used to hide from the camera. It was a very unhealthy act from an unhealthy individual.

knittingaddict · 05/12/2022 09:06

"Who was filmed" - apologies for horrible wording in previous post.

knittingaddict · 05/12/2022 09:08

Passthecheeseboard · 05/12/2022 08:31

I don’t think it’s too abnormal, DH has installed security cameras throughout the house. We work nights so this way we know the house is secure when we are not in… They automatically record whenever they sense motion, and if I’m home alone DH can see me on the cameras and check I’m ok.

Is he controlling in other ways?

I notice that you didn't say "so I can check on him".

Outfor150 · 05/12/2022 09:11

Passthecheeseboard · 05/12/2022 08:31

I don’t think it’s too abnormal, DH has installed security cameras throughout the house. We work nights so this way we know the house is secure when we are not in… They automatically record whenever they sense motion, and if I’m home alone DH can see me on the cameras and check I’m ok.

That is not good. Can you not see?

knittingaddict · 05/12/2022 09:11

The tiny handful of people who think remote monitoring of their loved ones is ok has me seriously worried for the future mental health of the general public. I can see this becoming a creeping trend amongst certain people and it can only be a bad thing. Humans need privacy.

Suffrajitsu · 05/12/2022 09:26

Vitalsigning · 04/12/2022 11:38

The cameras are recording 24/7 for us to view and access, they are not live monitored by an external company until a trigger.

Maybe Sunday Brain fog is effecting people today

Show quote history

Not clear why a perfectly civil question prompted that rudeness, @Vitalsigning?

If they can set the cameras up so that they are only alerted to watch when the system is triggered, could they also set them up so that they only start recording and broadcasting to them when triggered? Could the staff choose to watch even when there has been no trigger?

Passthecheeseboard · 05/12/2022 09:37

DH works more hours than me so I’m at home more than he is, the cameras are more for security reasons rather than stalky reasons, it’s actually becoming more common for people to have at home security surveillance cameras than it used to be, one of my friends has them in her house too.

They are also handy to watch pets on when away from home. I can see what my cat is up to when I’m out lol … We also faced some towards our fish tanks while we were on holiday to keep an eye on them. It was quite surreal being half way across the world and being able to see our aquariums at home 😁

As long as the cameras aren’t in any private places like the bathroom or bedroom (ours are in the hallways, stairs, living room and kitchen) and that everyone knows they are being filmed I think it’s fine and not creepy at all…

It can be kind of fun, occasionally I will treat DH to a little strip tease on the camera 😏

knittingaddict · 05/12/2022 09:54

🤔This film is recorded Passthecheeseboard?

PepsiMaxAholic · 05/12/2022 09:58

This is just bizarre. I wouldn't want to be filmed everywhere I went in my own home either, it's creepy. It's like he secretly wants to keep an eye on you but is using your child as the excuse.

PepsiMaxAholic · 05/12/2022 10:01

PickledRat · 04/12/2022 10:12

I know someone who has this and they have teenagers. I think it’s disgusting that their children can’t have and privacy, it’s not illegal though.

It is illegal if the camera is placed in the bathroom. Also illegal if it was placed in child bedroom and being used for sexual gratification.

Nicknacky · 05/12/2022 10:06

@Passthecheeseboard But why does your H need to check you are “ok”? Why wouldn’t you be?

Phelicity · 05/12/2022 10:18

How on earth did we ever manage before we were able to watch what our pets when we’re out and our fish when we are halfway across the world?

Saltywalruss · 05/12/2022 10:21

vitahelp · 04/12/2022 16:50

The UK based nursery we used had cameras in the room that you could watch from home/work/wherever. I assumed it was normal but maybe not. I rarely logged on and if I did it wasn’t as much from a checking up on them point of view, but more to have a laugh at whatever they were up to (once saw a disco).

I wouldn't send my children to a nursery that did this. Too much risk of people hacking into the cameras.