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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change kid name my deed poll?

150 replies

Herroyal · 04/12/2022 09:35

DC, 11, and 10 currently have DPs surname. We are married but I kept my own surname.

I now feel like we should have put my surname as their middle name because I’d like them to have it and it’s a pain travelling with different surnames! I had no idea.
Our names don’t double barrel well, plus kids are used to their surname as is.

they already have 2 middle names each, so they’ll
end up with 3 which will be a mouthful! AIBU to do it anyway?
so their passports can read 1st name, my surname as middle, surname??

what would you do?

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 04/12/2022 09:38

YABU. The easy (and best) solution here is to marry your DP and take his name too rather than faffing about with your kids names again.

VainAbigail · 04/12/2022 09:39

@YellowTreeHouse they are married already.

Op, what’s your husbands opinion?
Are they his children?

AngelontopoftheTree · 04/12/2022 09:39

As you are married, can't you get a passport in your married name purely for travelling? Seems easiest solution by far.

Original poster
Herroyal · 04/12/2022 09:41

@YellowTreeHouse we are married and I’m not taking anyone else’s name.
it’s one form to fill per kid,
signed by both parents, and about £40 to do so so not a faff.
it’s not the form filling that’s the issue!

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 04/12/2022 09:42

What do your children want? They aren't babies any more and I think they should have the majority of the decision making in this.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/12/2022 09:42

YellowTreeHouse · 04/12/2022 09:38

YABU. The easy (and best) solution here is to marry your DP and take his name too rather than faffing about with your kids names again.

The easiest solution is for a whole adult to change their name rather than adding one inconsequential name to a birth certificate? What planet are you on?

Beees · 04/12/2022 09:43

Given their ages I'd say its less about what you want and more about what they would like. If they wanted to add your surname later then surely they could easily do that themselves. It should really be their choice given it is their name

Original poster
Herroyal · 04/12/2022 09:43

@AngelontopoftheTree y

My ‘married name’ is my own surname, as we chose to keep our own names when we got married.
They are our children. DP will go with what I decide

OP posts:
AllyCatTown · 04/12/2022 09:43

I’d leave it up to the children. If they want it go ahead. It doesn’t matter if it’s a mouthful as no one reads out someone’s whole name.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 04/12/2022 09:43

At 10 and 11 I would say it is something to be discussed with the dc.

luxxlisbon · 04/12/2022 09:43

Do it if you want, personally I don’t see what difference it makes.
I am married and did not change my name and it hasn’t made a difference to my life or my DD. I’ve flown alone with her probably 8-10 times in the first 18 months, taken her to numerous medical appointments, hospital stays etc and different names had never been an issue.

Original poster
Herroyal · 04/12/2022 09:45

@Chasingsquirrels theyre happy for it to be done, although the younger more practical one has pointed out that they’ll have a really long name!
They quite like the idea but aren’t overly fussed.

OP posts:
AngelontopoftheTree · 04/12/2022 09:45

I’m not taking anyone else’s name
But you expect your DC to have their names changed on their birth certs, rather than you just changing your passport to include your DH's name?

Original poster
Herroyal · 04/12/2022 09:47

‘I’m not taking anyone else’s name
But you expect your DC to have their names changed on their birth certs,’

Their birth certs don’t actually change, but yes I’m okay for the most part with giving the children I gave birth to an extra middle name ( I think).

OP posts:
Allsnotwell · 04/12/2022 09:48

Why can’t you include your husband and children’s names on your passport? Use it like a middle name?

Beees · 04/12/2022 09:48

Herroyal · 04/12/2022 09:45

@Chasingsquirrels theyre happy for it to be done, although the younger more practical one has pointed out that they’ll have a really long name!
They quite like the idea but aren’t overly fussed.

Are they saying this to appease you though. If they genuinely wabted your name wouldn't the idea have come from them?

I'd honestly leave it at this stage and if they wanted to change it they would do so themselves as adults.

Original poster
Herroyal · 04/12/2022 09:51

@luxxlisbon you’ve had a very different experience to me then. We’ve been stopped and question many times regarding the different surnames, but we do a lot of overseas travel.
we’re also 2 women so have been stopped even when together with the children.
there are also instances/ countries and circs where we would really rather not have attention drawn to our family.
it m’s actually quite tricky to prove your children are your own if someone in authority wants to be difficult about it.
we now have to carry their passports and birth certs, and our marriage cert.

bit actually, it’s more than that. I’d like them to have my name too.

OP posts:
sprinkleparty · 04/12/2022 09:52

I’m in the same situation OP. Just haven’t got around to doing the forms which need to be signed by a solicitor (don’t know how to find one that will do such a small job, asked locally and had a no). I think it’s important not only to keep the family connection, but to make things easier if you want DC to travel alone with family on your side (e.g. grandparents or aunt/uncle).

Chasingsquirrels · 04/12/2022 09:54

if they wanted to change it they would do so themselves as adults
I agree.
If the child had raised this themselves with no input from you then I'd be more willing to explore it, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

I appreciate your wants here, but thibk you are coming to it much to late to change things yourself.

Original poster
Herroyal · 04/12/2022 09:56

@sprinkleparty of you have the consent of both parents then you just need a witness, not a solicitor

OP posts:
PickledRat · 04/12/2022 09:57

I’m divorced and don’t have the same surname as my children, never had any issues. What countries are you experiencing problems in? A lot of people here don’t have the same surname as their mother and it is also common in a lot of countries for children to have different surnames to their mother. I think 3 middle names is too much personally.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 04/12/2022 09:58

My DC have my (very rare, foreign) surname as a middle name. It doesn’t make any difference when traveling alone, I am still asked for birth certificates and consent forms. So if you are doing it for that reason alone, it doesn’t change much IME.

Notanotherusername4321 · 04/12/2022 09:58

I now feel like we should have put my surname as their middle name because I’d like them to have it and it’s a pain travelling with different surnames! I had no idea

how is it a pain travelling?

I have never had an issue in 20 years, nor have the other 5 members of my family with different names to their kids.

it is completely usual, there are no restrictions on travelling in a party with different surnames.

many people believe it is, but it just isn’t in practice. Other cultures don’t even have “family” names like we do- spain, Saudi for example no one changes their name, and they must manage to travel just fine..

sprinkleparty · 04/12/2022 09:58

That’s so useful to know, thank you.

ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 04/12/2022 09:58

I've been stopped and questioned several times when travelling with my kids, and we share a surname. Putting an extra name on the kids passports may not stop the questions when travelling. If travel is the only reason you are wanting to do this, I wouldn't bother.
If there are other reasons, and easier travel is a potential bonus, and the kids are on board, consider it further.
But id also look at some application forms, and check the full name isn't too long. A friend with 26 characters in her name (with just a single middle name) used to run out of space on forms. Thinks might have changed in the 20 years since she married, and got a much shorter surname!