To change kid name my deed poll?

[Herroyal]

DC, 11, and 10 currently have DPs surname. We are married but I kept my own surname.

I now feel like we should have put my surname as their middle name because I’d like them to have it and it’s a pain travelling with different surnames! I had no idea.
Our names don’t double barrel well, plus kids are used to their surname as is.

they already have 2 middle names each, so they’ll
end up with 3 which will be a mouthful! AIBU to do it anyway?
so their passports can read 1st name, my surname as middle, surname??

what would you do?

‘how is it a pain travelling?’

explained that in an early post! We are 2 women. Perhaps that’s the difference.

but the travels not the only reason.

You will make it a faff for the kids completing forms when they're older. You chose to keep your name and give his to them 10 years later you've changed your mind. Too late

Question: do you want your children to spend the rest of their lives (which is going to be longer than the next 8 years of you travelling with them) filling in the box - have you been known by any other names and have to supply all the documentation to go with it?

Your making an issue for your children when it didn't need to be. You chose to keep your name. Why don't you change yours so your children don't have a ridiculously long name and the faff of form filling, when they are adults?

You say that your partner will go with whatever your decide and that the children are both your children. Do these children have dads who have PR that you need to get ‘permission’ from first before trying to do any deed polls?

I'm not sure it's because youre 2 women. I regularly travel with my 2 kids and my Sister in Law. Kids have my husband (and Sister in Law's) surname- think Smith, and I am a Jones. Never been an issue. I take their birth certificate but never been asked in over 20 journeys. I think you've just been unlucky.

You used to be able to put "spouse of spouse's name" in the passport - can't you any more? And possibly put "parent of child1 and child2"?

I'm curious about how you made the decision to give them your wife's surname in the first place and why your feelings have changed? Just because I think all the same-sex couples I know have double barreled. I don't think you're unreasonable if the children are happy.

Get rid of middle names and add yours?

Not in the UK! At least not anymore. My children’s EU passports have names of both parents.

‘Do these children have dads who have PR that you need to get ‘permission’ from first before trying to do any deed polls?’

The children are ours. I mentioned that at the start.

You dont have to justify it on here. As long as the kids are fine with it then its not an issue really.

I think kids should automatically have their mothers name.

@OgdensGoneNutFlake
Yes, I suppose we have been unlucky.
personally I did think being a LGBTQ family have played a part and perhaps homophobia too.
like the time we missed the ferry because a U.K. policeman wouldn’t accept there wasn’t a father some where whosempwrmission we needed to travel. .
or the time in the US where sat for several ours in a locked room because immigration wanted to know where the father was and wouldn’t let us enter the US.
We go tin eventually.
or the countless times we have been questioned about the relationship between the four of us despite having passports and paperwork.

I've voted YABU despite me also having a different surname to my dc post-divorce.

My ex had his name changed when his parents married 45 years ago - that deed goes everywhere with him.

If you change their names to anything other than on their birth certificate they are going to have a LIFETIME of having to carry extra paperwork to prove their ID. They will need to keep that deed (or name change documentation) for their whole lives - every bank account, every job application, every time they take out a loan, mortgage, finance agreement. If they want to rent. If they ever want to volunteer or have a job that needs a DBS, every time they renew their driving licence or passport they will have to add that extra layer of 'why the fuck did mum change my name at 11yo'.

Believe me, I know how it feels to be stopped at passport control because my dc have a different name. And the ballache of taking my own name change docs, a copy of the residence order and the dc birth certificates when we go abroad. But my dc are almost adults (I've been travelling with them alone since they were 3 and 5, so yes, I've got years of experience) and it's an inconvenience I've borne on our travels because I wanted to have a different name to theirs after my divorce.

Please don't lumber them with a lifetime of paperwork just do that you can travel hassle-free for the next few years.

If your name is on their birth /adoption cert, just take that with you when they travel

This.

With the travel thing, assuming you travel as a family, if the children having the surname of your wife isn’t sufficient enough for the authorities then it’s probably the fact that you are both women that attracts the attention and I doubt adding another name will make a difference.

If it’s mainly that you’ve changed you mind - why so? Are you and your partner thinking of splitting? Do you envisage lone travel with the children in future? If it’s an important reason then go ahead. If it’s more that you’re having a sentimental moment about them growing up and wanting to stamp yourself on them, I’d suggest giving your head a (kindly) wobble and not putting them through the hassle.

Thanks. I know my friend's UK passport had "wife of husbands name" in it when she was married, about 25 years ago, when she kept her own name after marriage.

I fully understand your feeling of something missing in not having your name as part of theirs.

My Dc have hyphenated surnames, no adults changed their names.

But now your Dc are at their age I would very much make them part of the decision. Their names are theirs now, not yours.

If it isn’t too late to change theirs, it isn’t too late for you and your DW to change yours: a new ‘combined’ name for the whole family if hyphenating doesn’t work? Or something that you all like?

Swap out a middle name but give them the choice?

‘m curious about how you made the decision to give them your wife's surname in the first place and why your feelings have changed? Just because I think all the same-sex couples I know have double barreled.’

most of the same-sex couples I know are a mix, but many have done what I’m proposing and have one surname as a middle name.

At the time, as I’m the birth parent I thought it would help protect our family unit from questioning - ironically- as I assumed no-one would ever question that I was their mother though they might when it comes to DW.
That does happen, a lot. ‘Who’s the REAL mother’ type thing even though we married, decided to have kids together, are both on their birth certs and as far as we’re concerned we’re equal parents to our children.

So:

Jane Smith marries Debbie Jones.

Kids come along and are all surname Jones.

Issues now with the likes of travelling with a Smith taking children named Jones.

If changing to Jane Smith-Jones (or Smith as a middle name) isn't an option (even if only legally but not used day to day), then yes I'd throw Smith into the kids names, even if they never changed it with school etc, but legally it's there if ever needed.

I don't think it will help in the way you hope, honestly, so it seems like it's just creating a problem for the children.

I meant Jones as a middle name, but you get the idea of what I mean x

If you both have PR (which you have the court-approved paperwork to back you up) this shouldn't be a problem if both parents are female. Are you both on the BC? If it's just your name then you should be able to travel with the dc without question - though due to name differences I would always carry BCs to prove that I was the only parent on the bc.

Ultimately you made a choice not to give the dc a name that links them directly to you. The consequence of this is that you now should carry all the necessary paperwork to facilitate travel, not burden them with a lifetime of proving their legal identity.

I think you could solve the travel problem by adding your wife's surname as a middle name to your own name.

It will cause inconvenience for your kids in the future as they will always have to provide proof of change of name for anything official. So , if it were me, I would take the faff of changing name on myself rather than make the kids have to go through it.

I can’t think of any document that would trump a birth certificate with bother parent’s names on it, matching the names in their passports.

I think changing adult names are not the answer here and would probably complicate things further as would no longer match birth cert.

You’re dealing with prejudice and discrimination OP, and I’m so sorry about that. I don’t think changing names will solve any of it though.