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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Advise DD To Get Married

144 replies

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 16:45

DD lives with a man and they've been together for two years.
They've been actively TTC for nearly a year.

When she told me they were going to TTC I advised her to get married, as he earns much more than she does. I tried to make her see how financially disadvantaged she would be if they split up, but it fell on deaf ears.

She is adamant that her DP would never abandon her and their (not yet conceived) child. A quick look through these boards shows that this is not always the case. DD believes that her DP would be upset if she suggested that she was "only marrying him for money."

Has anyone got any advice on how to get her to see that getting herself and any children she may have as protected as possible would be a good thing? I did say that there would be no need for a big wedding (unless they wanted one) and that this was essentially to protect her, not a moral judgement in any way.

OP posts:
Batshittery · 03/12/2022 16:50

I wouldn't get married solely for this reason. They can share responsibility for child care and your DD could earn her own money

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 03/12/2022 16:51

As long as your DD isn't giving up work then no they don't need to be married.

isthewashingdryyet · 03/12/2022 16:52

Ask her how finances will divided once the baby is here, and try to get her to see 50:50 contributions are no good

user1471521072 · 03/12/2022 16:53

I suggest you find some threads on mumsnet that are started by women who are financially vulnerable. (Stay at home mum or low-wage earner, one or more very young children, abandoned by partner, chasing him for child support payments, high childcare costs)

She obviously doesn't want to take you seriously but if you read some of these threads to her, it might give her some food for thought.

amylou8 · 03/12/2022 16:54

Having a baby isn't a reason to get married, but if there's property or assets involved it would protect her interests.

Original poster
TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 16:56

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 03/12/2022 16:51

As long as your DD isn't giving up work then no they don't need to be married.

She would be giving up work to look after the baby, though.

OP posts:
CaronPoivre · 03/12/2022 16:56

I'd be telling her to get the security of marriage too. If there was a tragedy shed be left without his income/death in service etc. She not automatically inherit their property and he could leave her high and dry. There is good evidence women come off financially worse in splits and compromise most when children arrive.

Frankenstina · 03/12/2022 16:57

Encourage her to join MN.

BeeDavis · 03/12/2022 17:08

So she only knew her partner for a year before TTC 😣😣 no wonder there is so many women on here left holding the baby because they’ve rushed into something with someone they barely know!!

SuperCamp · 03/12/2022 17:27

If she would plan to be a SAHM it’s not about marrying him for his money, but for security.

None of us have to think we will split up, just arrange our lives in a way ghat protects us if the unthinkable happens. E.g insurance payments, any contract, etc.

This is the conversation to have with her.

And the flip side is, if he would never leave her in the lurch there is no reason for him to wish to swerve marriage.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/12/2022 17:28

She would be giving up work to look after the baby, though.

Would she? Do you mean maternity leave? Or that she is giving up her job entirely to be a SAHM?

You cannot, and should not, advise her to get married.

You can discuss how secure her relationship is, her plans around finances, if she is open to this.
It's true that being married protects your interests to a degree. However, getting married for the wrong reasons is never a good idea, and don't forget that extracting oneself from an unhappy marriage is difficult & costly.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 17:38

You cannot, and should not, advise her to get married.

nonsense! OP absolutely can and she definitely should.

Becoming a SAHP while unmarried is putting yourself at the mercy of a man who doesn’t owe you anything legally and could leave you desolate at a drop of a hat. Opens the door to abuse of all kinds too, because you are essentially trapped.

Incredibly incredibly stupid idea.

@TheShellBeach maybe encourage her to sign up to MN and spent time on the relationship boards?

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 03/12/2022 17:39

Marriage carries certain legal rights, so any couple who cohabit without marrying, need to understand the implications of same. Whilst it is difficult to discuss finances, it is absolutely essential. Don’t rely on goodwill. Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce and the breakdown figure is higher with cohabiting but unmarried couples…and nothing wrecks a woman’s life as much as poverty does.

Whataretheodds · 03/12/2022 17:40

I'd get her to read the Relationships board on here for a couple of weeks.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 17:41

@TheShellBeach the vulnerabilities of being an unmarried mother and the legal protections of marries have been discussed in depth in a recent tread. I think you will find it very useful in formulating objective arguments to make your case for marriage. I would urge you to take a look:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4686219-apparently-im-old-fashioned-and-anti-feminist?page=7&reply=122000347

Oysterbabe · 03/12/2022 17:42

Why would she give up work? She can put the baby in nursery like many of us did.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 17:43

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 16:56

She would be giving up work to look after the baby, though.

Show quote history

How old is she? Why is she rushing into TTC only a year in?

topcat2014 · 03/12/2022 17:44

Lady in my team has just been abandoned by 'partner', who has probably also been saving most of his earnings.

I would advise marriage first

Watchthesunrise · 03/12/2022 17:48

Partner 🤢

Cart before horse. If he's not ready to be married then he's not ready to be a parent.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 17:50

There's a thread going on at the moment where OP's partner is refusing to contribute to nursery fees because "it's her choice to return to work" 🥴🥴

Sandra1984 · 03/12/2022 17:50

I would send all the MN links to your daughter regarding women getting f-cked over for having children out of wedlock. It might open your daughters eyes.

After reading half of the responses on this thread I understand why women continue choosing to get into such vulnerable situation, it’s a combo between naivety, not wanting to rock the boat with DP, fear of be seen as gold digger or the uncool girl in the room.

Onnabugeisha · 03/12/2022 17:51

Have you suggested a civil partnership? It doesn’t have to be marriage if religion is an obstacle.

Peedoffo · 03/12/2022 17:56

It depends if DD is in her mid - late 30s or even older she might be prioritising having DC hence TTC now over marriage which is a valid choice. As long as she has a strong career and can afford childcare Many women on MN have infertility struggles or will sadly never have children because they have been waiting to get married perfect set of circumstances before TTC.

hay5689 · 03/12/2022 17:56

Having been left without anything after a long term relationship ended I'd say marriage should be high on her list of priorities to financially protect herself.

Nearly everything was in my ex partner's name because I had bad credit and because of that I had no claim on the house or any money.

Some people will tell you that you have a right if you can prove you paid towards the house but in my experience it's a very costly experience with no guarantee that you'll win.

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2022 17:57

its up to the man. He can either propose and they marry and only them she can be a sahm / traditional set up as she has some protection.

Or they don’t marry child takes mums name not his she keeps her job and goes for it at work and does not compromise her career one iota. utterly 50/50 in childcare / chores / responsibility. She could function alone because she has no guarantees from him.

The man can’t pick and chose which bits of marriage / cohabitation suit him. He is either in or out and the woman needs to plan accordingly. That’s what I will be telling my dds anyway. You pick a model and go with that.