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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Advise DD To Get Married

144 replies

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 16:45

DD lives with a man and they've been together for two years.
They've been actively TTC for nearly a year.

When she told me they were going to TTC I advised her to get married, as he earns much more than she does. I tried to make her see how financially disadvantaged she would be if they split up, but it fell on deaf ears.

She is adamant that her DP would never abandon her and their (not yet conceived) child. A quick look through these boards shows that this is not always the case. DD believes that her DP would be upset if she suggested that she was "only marrying him for money."

Has anyone got any advice on how to get her to see that getting herself and any children she may have as protected as possible would be a good thing? I did say that there would be no need for a big wedding (unless they wanted one) and that this was essentially to protect her, not a moral judgement in any way.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 04/12/2022 10:32

There are stats to prove that. But likely skewed by which demographic most likely to get married.

ReallyTiredAndHungry · 04/12/2022 21:13

Why would she be giving up work to care for the baby?

How some people raise daughters like this is beyond me, where is the ambition and drive.

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2022 07:20

It’s fine to take some time out. I took six years but had a solid marriage and a professional skill I could pick up so always employable. Otherwise Sahm just foolhardy

Zanatdy · 05/12/2022 08:32

If she’s giving up her job absolutely she should get married. Of course you don’t want to think your perfect partner would cheat on you etc but it happens. She would have no pension rights etc either, she’s crazy to give her job up when not married

LBFseBrom · 05/12/2022 14:30

Impress upon your daughter the importance of her having an equal share of assets, eg the home.

Other than that there is nothing you can do, she is 39 after all. They may well get married in the future regardless of whether or not they have a baby, plenty do, but the important thing is to sort the finances and for her to keep her job.

foggydaysun · 05/12/2022 14:38

YANBU but she would be better off being financially independent than relying on a divorce settlement. Plenty of women stay in shit marriages as they can’t afford to leave. A decent paying job means you can always afford to leave.

In her situation she needs both, a marriage and a decent job.

And every woman whose partner walks off thought their partner never would.

Every woman thinks their partner would treat them well in a separation. Thing is, at separation time, your partner no longer likes you and so is unashamedly looking out for himself.

And Look at the female socialization your daughter is showing. She would rather put her and her children at risk than ‘hurt’ her partners feelings by asking for protection for herself.

Thats really sad, especially as her partner probably knows exactly what he is doing in not getting married…

Sandra1984 · 05/12/2022 14:42

@foggydaysun And Look at the female socialization your daughter is showing. She would rather put her and her children at risk than ‘hurt’ her partners feelings by asking for protection for herself.

Thats really sad, especially as her partner probably knows exactly what he is doing in not getting married…

Yep, says a lot about the partner.

Original poster
TheShellBeach · 05/12/2022 15:01

ReallyTiredAndHungry · 04/12/2022 21:13

Why would she be giving up work to care for the baby?

How some people raise daughters like this is beyond me, where is the ambition and drive.

I only meant maternity leave. I should have clarified that, sorry to everyone.

OP posts:
ABigSalad123 · 05/12/2022 15:11

It is of course your DD (and her DP’s) choice about whether to get married, but I think it’s a good idea just to have a chat with her about the pros and cons of marriage and not being married, especially if she is planning to have kids, just so she is aware.

Nimmykins · 06/12/2022 07:12

Friends of mine got married because they found out if something happened to her he didn’t have the automatic right to his children. Not sure if that’s still the case.

LaLuz7 · 06/12/2022 07:15

Nimmykins · 06/12/2022 07:12

Friends of mine got married because they found out if something happened to her he didn’t have the automatic right to his children. Not sure if that’s still the case.

Wait, what? Was he not listed as their father on the birth certificates?

Anonymous12344 · 06/12/2022 07:19

WOW

SantasGrotty · 06/12/2022 07:21

He can't trust her to not marry him for his money, but he will make a human with her, and let he take all financial risk of maternity leave. Nice

SantasGrotty · 06/12/2022 07:23

ReallyTiredAndHungry · 04/12/2022 21:13

Why would she be giving up work to care for the baby?

How some people raise daughters like this is beyond me, where is the ambition and drive.

🙄

Do you do everything exactly as your parents told you? Are you and your siblings identical people?

Sunshineandrainbow · 06/12/2022 07:23

Zanatdy · 05/12/2022 08:32

If she’s giving up her job absolutely she should get married. Of course you don’t want to think your perfect partner would cheat on you etc but it happens. She would have no pension rights etc either, she’s crazy to give her job up when not married

If you married and your spouse dies do you get some of their state pension? If so do you know how much and is this until the widow dies?

marmitetoastie · 06/12/2022 07:23

I think if and when they choose to get married is their business, you’ve given her good advice and if she won’t listen, what can you do? she & he, might be more inclined to get married once I’ve got a family.
It’s really their business.

xxxxxx

Stickmansmum · 06/12/2022 07:24

I think the education on this topic should have started a long time ago.

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 06/12/2022 07:27

ReallyTiredAndHungry · 04/12/2022 21:13

Why would she be giving up work to care for the baby?

How some people raise daughters like this is beyond me, where is the ambition and drive.

Just by having a baby her earning potential will drop.

RealBecca · 06/12/2022 07:33

Cordeliathecat · 03/12/2022 19:36

Inheritance tax is the best reason to get married.

She believes that he would never abandon her and she may well be right. But what is guaranteed is that one of them will be taxed 40% of the estate (if over £325k) when the other one dies. Just because they didn’t want to get a marriage certificate. That isn’t being very financially responsible to their child(ren).

That's why we did it.

Coupled with feeling overwhelmed by writing a will explicitly saying X should get Y (which could be changed at any time behind anyones back- not that we would do that but it does happen).

I suspect she wants to get married and is saving face. Perhaps ask if and how he is going to top up her pension when she is a SAHP and/or how his salary will be more shared as a sole provider for the family. Gently. Not as an interrogation.

Faith77 · 06/12/2022 07:48

My parents put pressure on me to get married when my daughter came along, too. Marrying my ex husband was the biggest mistake I ever made. It trapped me with an abusive man for a decade, and, when I left, financially I still left with nothing. In fact, due to being married to him, I actually got lumbered with some of his debts. Marriage is absolutely no guarantee that your daughter won't be left financially destitute, unfortunately. You would be better off advising her to make a financial plan with her partner that will take into account her loss of earnings from employment and ensure that he knows that this means that whilst his contribution to the household will be financial, her input, though unpaid, is no less valuable, and therefore she will be entitled to a 50/50 split of any money left over after he pays all bills, etc. If he gets narky about her having 50% of "his" money, or insists that she also contributes financially whilst not working, advise her to run. Marriage in itself may not guarantee her financial security, but having a frank conversation about money now & getting an idea of his views might save her from being someone posting what I am now on Mumsnet.

jackstini · 06/12/2022 07:50

How are finances split now?
How will they be split during maternity?
Will she go back full or part time?
Do they earn similar?
Will they afterwards?
Is house in joint names?

Really depends on the set up they have!

piesforever · 06/12/2022 08:44

Do not give up your career!!! Ever! Financial independence all the way.

AliceDownTheRabbitHole · 06/12/2022 10:28

I'd encourage her to get married. I'm not married and been with my partner 20 years. We have 2 kids and things are starting to fall apart. He's earns way more than me and if we split, he could manage financially on his own but I couldn't. I work part time to look after kids and wemoved away so he could further his career. I now have a lower paying job than if we'd stayed where we previously lived. I also suspect he is squirreling some money away. If/when we split - I'm pretty much screwed and that's after being with someone 20 years! I don't know if being married would offer me any more protection than not. I'm seeking legal advice 'just in case' though

Sashamia · 06/12/2022 10:36

Isn't the stress of TTC at 39 enough to put on hold another life changing decision such as marriage? Let them work it out themselves.

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