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Original poster

To Advise DD To Get Married

144 replies

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 16:45

DD lives with a man and they've been together for two years.
They've been actively TTC for nearly a year.

When she told me they were going to TTC I advised her to get married, as he earns much more than she does. I tried to make her see how financially disadvantaged she would be if they split up, but it fell on deaf ears.

She is adamant that her DP would never abandon her and their (not yet conceived) child. A quick look through these boards shows that this is not always the case. DD believes that her DP would be upset if she suggested that she was "only marrying him for money."

Has anyone got any advice on how to get her to see that getting herself and any children she may have as protected as possible would be a good thing? I did say that there would be no need for a big wedding (unless they wanted one) and that this was essentially to protect her, not a moral judgement in any way.

OP posts:
venusandmars · 03/12/2022 17:58

Would you be giving the same advice if her partner earned less than her? If she had a great career and prospects? Would you give the same advice if her partner had been born in a different country and might possibly return there? Would you give the same advice if her partner was a gambler, had significant debt or was finacially imcompetent? As others have said it can be costly and complex to disentangle from a marriage. There can be many reasons why a woman might prefer not to be married.

In any case, I think 'advice' is too late once someone in all loved up in a relationship and has the romantic dream of trying for a baby.

We need to get so much better at educating ourselves and our young people about the hard practical side of relationships - about money and power and commitment; about the cost of childcare; about long-term planning and pensions.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 18:01

Peedoffo · 03/12/2022 17:56

It depends if DD is in her mid - late 30s or even older she might be prioritising having DC hence TTC now over marriage which is a valid choice. As long as she has a strong career and can afford childcare Many women on MN have infertility struggles or will sadly never have children because they have been waiting to get married perfect set of circumstances before TTC.

What is there to prioritise? You don't need a wedding to get married. You pay a few hundred pounds, you sign the paper et voila, married!

And you don't need to wait for a proposal. "Hey partner, I'm not willing to carry a baby and take the career and financial hit until I have adequate legal protection. Which do you prefer - marriage or civil partnership?"

Women need to smarten up and take charge

kavalkada · 03/12/2022 18:01

If your DD believes that her DP would be upset if she suggested that she was "only marrying him for money, he is not the man she should live with, let alone have children.

L0bstersLass · 03/12/2022 18:04

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 16:56

She would be giving up work to look after the baby, though.

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She should propose.
If he won't marry her than she should not be having his children.
If she's desperate to have a child (clock ticking etc.) then she should look into alternative options.

Peedoffo · 03/12/2022 18:08

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 18:01

What is there to prioritise? You don't need a wedding to get married. You pay a few hundred pounds, you sign the paper et voila, married!

And you don't need to wait for a proposal. "Hey partner, I'm not willing to carry a baby and take the career and financial hit until I have adequate legal protection. Which do you prefer - marriage or civil partnership?"

Women need to smarten up and take charge

Show quote history

There's also the groom who decides whether to get married not just the bride. What if he says no? She will have to start off again looking for someone who will marry her before having DC..

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 18:10

I would say that if she wants to go ahead and have a child with him without the protection of marriage then she should privately make sure that she is protected & covered in the event of him abandoning her
If it's HIS choice not to marry then I would take that as an indication that he is not committed to her & the child but just wants the kudos of being a father, and plan accordingly without consulting him since he has (by default) already made his position clear.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 18:17

Peedoffo · 03/12/2022 18:08

There's also the groom who decides whether to get married not just the bride. What if he says no? She will have to start off again looking for someone who will marry her before having DC..

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There's always sperm donation...

Lkydfju · 03/12/2022 18:18

If their house is in joint names then I’m not sure I’d worry; if she’s living in his house then yes I’d suggest getting married.

Lolliesareonme · 03/12/2022 18:21

Inheritance tax is another consideration, for both of them.

DdraigGoch · 03/12/2022 18:25

She's refusing to believe that the relationship could possibly go wrong. Could you plant the scenario of "what if one of you died?" and talk about things like widow's pensions and DIS payments.

hettie · 03/12/2022 18:27

It's more of she gives up work to look after the potential child. Out of the workforce, no earnings, no claim on house, no pension.... Have they spoken about who will work who might stay at home or if they will use childcare? I was vehemently anti marriage, very much 'duck the patriarchy' stylee. Marriage is actually a legal protection (both ways). Ask her what she would do if her partner got stuck and she was shut out of medical decision making. What if he gets run over by a bus, who has he left his house/assets too? She's daft imho but there is no telling people....

bellocchild · 03/12/2022 18:35

Better for children to have married parents - far less insecure.

NameIsBryceQuinlan · 03/12/2022 18:39

That's very quick to try for a baby after only a year.

I was with DP for 8 years before we had a baby, we married when our son was 4.

I do understand your worries. What are their reservations about marriage?

Lcb123 · 03/12/2022 18:44

I’d be more worried about the rush to TTC to be honest - unless there’s a specific reason like age or medical. I don’t think it’s fair to pressure her to get married but I think you can talk to her about protecting herself and a possible child

Pleasecreateausername13 · 03/12/2022 18:47

As someone who has recently split I can assure you there is no such thing as a safety net of marriage. Yea the house is up for 50/50 but marriage or not ex still has to pay CM.

That’s about it. Not sure why you think being married would change much.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 03/12/2022 18:49

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 16:56

She would be giving up work to look after the baby, though.

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Why? Yes for maternity leave, but why after?

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 18:50

Has anyone got any advice on how to get her to see that getting herself and any children she may have as protected as possible would be a good thing?

You have already advised her to marry him. She hasn't. Perhaps she doesn't want to. Maybe you should accept that and leave it alone?

Pictograph · 03/12/2022 18:51

If he doesn't want to get married then she should keep working full time.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 03/12/2022 18:54

I don't think this is a good reason to get married and I don't think it's good advice to be giving your DC either.

OliveWah · 03/12/2022 18:55

I never wanted to get married - I was adamant about it from the age of about 10. Each of my DPs have been married and divorced 3 times, and I had not a single example of a successful marriage to aspire to.

When I met DH, he had been married and divorced, and was keen to marry again - I was not interested, one bit! After a few years, we bought a house and decided to TTC. After finding out we were expecting, an unfamiliar need for security began to creep over me, and after a few weeks I found myself desperate to be married before the baby arrived.

Luckily for me, DH is an intuitive chap, and proposed one morning when I was about 7 weeks pregnant. We got married at 16 weeks and now have 2 teenaged DDs.

For me, it wasn't about financial security or any of the other very sensible protections you see recommended on Mumsnet, but because I wanted to have the same surname as my DC, and I wanted us to feel like a unit, a team.

DH and I have a very happy and successful marriage. We've been married for 18 years now and I'm so very glad I changed my mind! It's entirely possible that your DD too @TheShellBeach, but I don't think you're overstepping by advising her as you have. I wouldn't have listened to the same advice from my DM, as she's definitely no expert on marriage (despite being very experienced)!

Twoshoesnewshoes · 03/12/2022 19:00

I didn’t get married. I stayed at home with each of my 3 until they were at least 2, then worked very part time til the youngest was 7 or 8.
we had the house in joint names, of course.
I was named on DPs pension, no need to be married for that. We have always had a joint account since conceiving the first one.
not much to be gained by being married.
the children have both of our names and there is no way that would ever have been different.

Ameadowwalk · 03/12/2022 19:09

Pleasecreateausername13 · 03/12/2022 18:47

As someone who has recently split I can assure you there is no such thing as a safety net of marriage. Yea the house is up for 50/50 but marriage or not ex still has to pay CM.

That’s about it. Not sure why you think being married would change much.

Exactly, I am in Scotland and it’s a 50/50 split of the assets from the day of the marriage to the end of the marriage.
it would protect you if there is equity in the marital home - but surely having your name on the deeds would do similar? it would also entitle you to half your partner’s pension accrued for the duration of the marriage. But how the heck would you pay the legal bills to secure this if you don’t have an independent income? you still need to pay for the separation agreement and legal costs to have this sorted.
there is no spousal support.
then, in Scotland, the child arrangements need to be agreed before you can divorce. More ££££s if this is contested in any way.
Far better idea not to give up work, to make sure that house is in joint names and that you have a will. Divorce is expensive.

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2022 19:17

If you have a larger estate (above £325k) there’s significant iht penalty for not being married. Lots of couples in later life quietly marry or have civil partnerships later in life for this reason alone.

Freddosforall · 03/12/2022 19:17

I'd work on changing her mind about giving up work rather than marriage. Having the ability to earn your own money is far more of a safety net.

SirCharlesRainier · 03/12/2022 19:25

Twoshoesnewshoes · 03/12/2022 19:00

I didn’t get married. I stayed at home with each of my 3 until they were at least 2, then worked very part time til the youngest was 7 or 8.
we had the house in joint names, of course.
I was named on DPs pension, no need to be married for that. We have always had a joint account since conceiving the first one.
not much to be gained by being married.
the children have both of our names and there is no way that would ever have been different.

@Twoshoesnewshoes I think the point people are making is about protection in the event that you split up and DP doesn't play ball.
What if he takes your name off his pension? Starts paying his wages into his own account, moves out leaving you to look after DC alone, shacks up with an OW etc? (Or rather, what if he'd done those things when DC were much smaller and you were SAH without a job?)