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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Advise DD To Get Married

144 replies

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 16:45

DD lives with a man and they've been together for two years.
They've been actively TTC for nearly a year.

When she told me they were going to TTC I advised her to get married, as he earns much more than she does. I tried to make her see how financially disadvantaged she would be if they split up, but it fell on deaf ears.

She is adamant that her DP would never abandon her and their (not yet conceived) child. A quick look through these boards shows that this is not always the case. DD believes that her DP would be upset if she suggested that she was "only marrying him for money."

Has anyone got any advice on how to get her to see that getting herself and any children she may have as protected as possible would be a good thing? I did say that there would be no need for a big wedding (unless they wanted one) and that this was essentially to protect her, not a moral judgement in any way.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 03/12/2022 20:45

@RubaiyatOfAnyone Sometimes young women aren’t deluding themselves, they actually have good reason to trust their DPs whether they’re married or not.

Lucky you, but Tons and tons of threads on MN prove otherwise I’m afraid.

FelicityFlops · 03/12/2022 20:51

To quote my late & very unwoke mother,
your sex life is your own, but we don't want any little bastards in the family..

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 03/12/2022 20:52

@Sandra1984 i know, and i’d probably give the same advice, but it bears saying that no rule is universally applicable.

Sandra1984 · 03/12/2022 20:53

I also believe that with 39 yo and with her biological clock ticking the OPs daughter is seeing this partnership as her only chance of having a child and any of good old mom advice is going out the window. I’ve seen this so many times: women who desperately
want to breed overlooking the red flags.

Slig · 03/12/2022 20:54

I can't stand marriage, have never been married, will never be married.

BUT

If my daughter told me she wanted a baby with her boyfriend I too would advise marriage or civil partnership.

So many women get fucked over without the legalities of a marriage certificate.

Cordeliathecat · 03/12/2022 20:57

Passthecheeseboard · 03/12/2022 19:38

Can they not both just have their names jointly on the deeds/ mortgage of the house though?

Show quote history

The deceased’s half of the house, savings, investments etc would all be subject to IHT.

MelchiorsMistress · 03/12/2022 21:11

Why are you advising her to get married instead of advising her to keep her own job and earning potential?

You really think it’s better for her to get financial security by marrying someone who happens to earn more than her than by working and providing for herself?

That’s a disgusting attitude, and I hope your potential SIL’s mother is advising him against marriage.

Onnabugeisha · 03/12/2022 21:20

MelchiorsMistress · 03/12/2022 21:11

Why are you advising her to get married instead of advising her to keep her own job and earning potential?

You really think it’s better for her to get financial security by marrying someone who happens to earn more than her than by working and providing for herself?

That’s a disgusting attitude, and I hope your potential SIL’s mother is advising him against marriage.

Because marriage/civil partnership protects you and any DC even if you lose your job and your earning potential. Which does happen more often than you’d think and not by choice.

Onnabugeisha · 03/12/2022 21:25

Sandra1984 · 03/12/2022 20:45

@RubaiyatOfAnyone Sometimes young women aren’t deluding themselves, they actually have good reason to trust their DPs whether they’re married or not.

Lucky you, but Tons and tons of threads on MN prove otherwise I’m afraid.

It’s not just a matter of do you trust your DP, it’s a matter of what if they are hit by a bus, or SUV, or an aggressive cancer? There is no guarantee for any of us that we will live to old age. This mums partner had hip pain in July, and was dead in August. He was joint owner of his house with another relative. Who now owns 100% of the house and the mum and four kids were served an eviction notice on the day of his funeral. They went to court, but still have to vacate their home.
www.thesun.co.uk/news/20584912/im-mum-four-family-homeless-christmas/

EarringsandLipstick · 03/12/2022 21:33

I think it’s until the youngest DC is 18

That's not true! It entirely depends on the individual case. Of course a house can be sold if needed for both parties to be housed. There is no automatic entitlement to stay in the house.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/12/2022 21:34

Batshittery · 03/12/2022 16:50

I wouldn't get married solely for this reason. They can share responsibility for child care and your DD could earn her own money

Leaves daughter in massively rubbish legal position though

Scandiscrepancy · 03/12/2022 21:36

I’m sorry to derail the thread but if your DD is 39 and hasn’t conceived despite a year of actively trying you probably don’t have too much to worry about. If they start going down the route of assisted fertility/IVF etc which they will probably have to pay privately for, you can use it to highlight the financial disparities between them and suggest marriage again.

Onnabugeisha · 03/12/2022 22:00

Skodacool · 03/12/2022 20:29

I think it’s until the youngest DC is 18

Show quote history

That’s not the case, a friend just went through divorce and the husband forced the house to be sold. Their youngest is 11.

MissTrip82 · 03/12/2022 22:40

What has been your advice to her over the preceding decades about maximizing her earning potential, pursuing a career, being responsible for putting a roof over her own head, recognising that someone else’s earning are not an appropriate financial plan, the importance of being able for provide for one’s children as a basic act of parenting etc?

Peedoffo · 03/12/2022 22:47

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2022 19:51

They could live together a few years longer and see how that goes.

She is already 39.

I wouldn't be worrying about marriage at this point. She's on a tight deadline to have her own biological child, If/when she gets pregnant I would broach it with her. I would ask her how long has she been TTC for if it's 6 months she needs to go the GP now. She doesn't have time to wait for the ring and everything to fall into place.

Ponderingwindow · 03/12/2022 22:51

Ask her what happens if she suffers from hyperemesis, has severe postpartum depression, or has any birth injury with lasting impact on her ability to work? Ask what happens if their child has special needs of any kind that make it difficult to have two
parents working full time?

marriage is about creating a formal contract that says if the unexpected happens, I will have your back financially.

having a child is inherently risky for a woman. It’s not as risky as it was hundreds of years ago, but it is still risky. It doesn’t matter if she is a high earner, biology puts all the risk on her.

when it comes time to provide care to a child with additional needs, it is almost always the woman who makes career sacrifices, even if she is the higher earner. You don’t even have to have a child with especially profound needs for a couple to decide that someone needs to be home every day when a child gets home from school. That legal contract lets a couple make that decision as a team. Otherwise, neither parent should ever agree to make the sacrifice.

Ericaequites · 03/12/2022 22:52

Your daughter should marry civilly as soon as possible. Marriage confers many legal rights and responsibilities to protect parents and children. Children who have married parents are happier and healthier.

Cas112 · 03/12/2022 23:03

You can't just demand she gets married. They will if and when they are ready and it's none of your business.

If she is willing to TTC then you have to trust your daughters judgement and stop trying to be involved

Floomobal · 03/12/2022 23:06

I’d be more concerned that she started trying for a baby after knowing someone for only a year. She sounds naive and stupid. Not sure anything you say will get through

MoaningMyrtle202 · 03/12/2022 23:16

How much more money does he have that we’re talking about? Millionaire or average earner?

Let’s be VERY realistic here.

He’s an average Joe who owns a home and a decent income.

Married and split with a kid: She wouldn’t be able to afford to buy him out if not working. A forced sale would happen and the equality she gets will get spent on private rent with no entitlement to benefits as over the threshold. Won’t be able to get a mortgage with no income. Plus will have legal costs.

Married and together with a kid: no difference to if unmarried until they get old. Then marriage helps for inheritance tax and stuff.

unmarried and split with a kid: She’d leave the house, have access to benefit top ups plus child maintenance. Could rent privately or through council/housing associations.

unmarried and together with a kid: he wouldn’t get the marriage tax code. A lot of admin for things like wills etc. but other than that not much difference.

IF he’s a millionaire:

Then hell yeah get married. Heck even I’ll marry him. Having a baby by him with or without marriage means brunches and yoga pants on a Tuesday afternoon whilst your 10 year olds in school. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Peedoffo · 03/12/2022 23:19

Floomobal · 03/12/2022 23:06

I’d be more concerned that she started trying for a baby after knowing someone for only a year. She sounds naive and stupid. Not sure anything you say will get through

She's 39.... How long do you propose she waits ???

meganorks · 03/12/2022 23:36

I wouldn't keep going on about marriage. You've said your piece and given food for thought, but you can't talk someone into getting married. If you really harp on about it she is more likely get defensive and dismissive. Whereas if you just leave her with it she might think more about it.

I would instead try and insure that they have discussed expectations and finances to make sure they are on the same page. How much maternity leave will she take? Is she going back to work at all? Full time? Part time? Will they be pooling finances?

EarringsandLipstick · 04/12/2022 01:58

Children who have married parents are happier and healthier

Are they now? Please do provide the stats to support this?

LBFseBrom · 04/12/2022 02:07

TheShellBeach · Yesterday 16:56
Youcancallmeirrelevant · Yesterday 16:51
As long as your DD isn't giving up work then no they don't need to be married.
She would be giving up work to look after the baby, though.
...............
Why? Most working women go on maternity leave or, if they do give up their job, go back to work after a certain time. I'm in my 70s and I did that. There aren't many who can afford, or even want to, give up work permanently.