To Advise DD To Get Married

[TheShellBeach]

DD lives with a man and they've been together for two years.
They've been actively TTC for nearly a year.

When she told me they were going to TTC I advised her to get married, as he earns much more than she does. I tried to make her see how financially disadvantaged she would be if they split up, but it fell on deaf ears.

She is adamant that her DP would never abandon her and their (not yet conceived) child. A quick look through these boards shows that this is not always the case. DD believes that her DP would be upset if she suggested that she was "only marrying him for money."

Has anyone got any advice on how to get her to see that getting herself and any children she may have as protected as possible would be a good thing? I did say that there would be no need for a big wedding (unless they wanted one) and that this was essentially to protect her, not a moral judgement in any way.

Yes, absolutely advise her to get married if they are planning children. My previously completely devoted husband had an affair whilst I was pregnant, and our marriage ended soon after. Thank goodness we were married as it made my situation far far clearer legally and financially. Sometimes sadly, the unthinkable happens, and when children are involved it's better to be married than not.

Inheritance tax is the best reason to get married.

She believes that he would never abandon her and she may well be right. But what is guaranteed is that one of them will be taxed 40% of the estate (if over £325k) when the other one dies. Just because they didn’t want to get a marriage certificate. That isn’t being very financially responsible to their child(ren).

I don’t think marrying for financial reasons is a good reason to marry no, and surely in this day and age women are able to earn their own money and not rely on a man anyway, like it’s not the 1950s 🤨 …

However if she doesn’t feel ready to marry this man then why is she ready for a child with him??🤔

Although that’s another topic entirely

Can they not both just have their names jointly on the deeds/ mortgage of the house though?

She doesn't sound mature enough to have a baby, if she doesn't know how to or isn't willing to protect her own interests and security, and by default protect her future child.

And you don't need to wait for a proposal. "Hey partner, I'm not willing to carry a baby and take the career and financial hit until I have adequate legal protection. Which do you prefer - marriage or civil partnership?"

^This 100%

And actually the partner’s finances aren’t relevant, your DD and potential DGC deserves the security of whatever it is that her partner has whether they are a low or high earner- she’s having their child FFS.
If she can’t think about it maturely she’s probably not in the best situation to go ahead with it tbh. They could live together a few years longer and see how that goes.

Naivety, desperation or money.

No, they moved in together a year ago. They have known each other for five years.

nonsense! OP absolutely can and she definitely should.

@LaLuz7

Assuming her DD is an adult, no she cannot!

It is not her place to tell her DD how to live her life, and pushing her into a choice she doesn't want would be wrong.

That's different to advising her of the consequences for her of not being married, or not planning financially. As I said in my post.

They could live together a few years longer and see how that goes.

She is already 39.

maybe encourage her to sign up to MN and spent time on the relationship boards?

Indeed and she can also read of those of us who've spent years dealing with exH who frustrate the legal process and make it a nightmare to move on from.

Entitlements that come with marriage go both ways.

YANBU. Good luck.

Surprised by how many people on this thread are handing out terrible advice.

Tell her that EVERYONE thinks that their man will stay with them forever, but for many that isn’t the case. What if he meets someone else, or gets a brain tumour/injury and becomes violent (I’ve seen this twice and its awful)?

Tell her that a married woman has the right to stay in the marital home even if she doesn’t own it, but an unmarried woman does not. Tell her she’s throwing away numerous legal protections designed to help her child.

I suspect the issue isn’t her wanting to not get married, its him.

If she cannot discuss this with her partner, then is she really ready for a baby? Parenting is hard and children need resources. Ducking a conversation that can benefit the future child is not good.

I agree with this.
If he isn't in to her enough to be okay with marrying her she absolutely shouldn't be having a baby with him.

This thread is hilarious. If it were OP's daughter posting asking for advice, every single person would be telling her to get married. But because gasp a mother wants to offer her daughter advice, everyone's gone straight back to age 15 and is yelling you can't tell me what to do mum and banging the door behind them.

If not married and no will then inheritance passes to the next of kin that is the children if any. Then his parents siblings etc

Tell her that a married woman has the right to stay in the marital home even if she doesn’t own it,

What do you mean? Do you mean for a period of time? Because of you mean long-term, there's no such right & the court will order a sale if necessary.

And what would you have done if he'd fucked off?

No, I wouldn't.

Because I think it's more nuanced.

Do I think the DD is foolish to have a baby without thinking of the long-term situation regarding her relationship? Yes.

Do I think the idea she might choose to be a SAHP in this situation is ridiculous? Also yes.

Do I think that anyone should get married purely based on finances? Of course not.

If they are in a long-term committed relationship, and having a child, then marriage makes sense.

But if they don't want that, she makes sure she's protected regarding their home, that she can financially support herself & DC, and she goes back to work. She's 39, all of the above should be a given.

Maybe she feels awkward mentioning it to him and does not want to sound like she is after his money. Could she use you as an excuse and say to him," my mum has advised me to not have any children until I am married because it puts me in a very vulnerable position financially" whilst I am not earning and if at any point, heaven forbid, you decide to leave me"

She might want to actually spend time with her baby, and if the father earns enough to support them why not? Why put your child in full time nursery if you don't need the money??

This; also no right to any pension he might have, or widow’s pension, (is there still such a thing?). It isn’t just about whether they split up.

I think it’s until the youngest DC is 18

Because lots of women (myself included) actually enjoy working.

Just to give the other perspective, i ttc with dp after being together a year, and when dc was born a year later my father gave me a slightly awkward talk on getting married being a good idea. I thanked him but went on thinking marriage wasn’t for me for various reasons and because i had total faith in DP. A few years later i changed my mind, largely because of how supportive he’d been during a difficult time. When i suggested marriage DP had the registry office booked for 6 weeks time by the end of the conversation. We’ve been together a decade now, happily married (which i still find weird), with 2 DC and he’s always been as supportive (financially and emotionally) as i believed he was in that first year together. Sometimes young women aren’t deluding themselves, they actually have good reason to trust their DPs whether they’re married or not.