To Advise DD To Get Married

[TheShellBeach]

DD lives with a man and they've been together for two years.
They've been actively TTC for nearly a year.

When she told me they were going to TTC I advised her to get married, as he earns much more than she does. I tried to make her see how financially disadvantaged she would be if they split up, but it fell on deaf ears.

She is adamant that her DP would never abandon her and their (not yet conceived) child. A quick look through these boards shows that this is not always the case. DD believes that her DP would be upset if she suggested that she was "only marrying him for money."

Has anyone got any advice on how to get her to see that getting herself and any children she may have as protected as possible would be a good thing? I did say that there would be no need for a big wedding (unless they wanted one) and that this was essentially to protect her, not a moral judgement in any way.

Now, in an ideal world I would absolutely agree with your DD, it shouldn’t matter if your married or not, a committed relationship is just that, not a piece of paper or a change of surname. But, it’s not an ideal world and despite record numbers of parents not being “married”, times haven’t moved on as they should’ve.

I would be more worried about what could happen in the event of a tragedy. As a child in this situation it’s truly horrendous and losing any financial security your family may have had often ruins your kids future on top of the obvious trauma already experienced.

As an unmarried partner and parent who was very close to experiencing this, it is absolutely not worth risking the lack of security. It only takes and ex or disgruntled family member to make life extremely hard, and from experience, it’s not always people you expect it from.

It may not be the ideal, romantic reason to get married but it should be a consideration

I believe this is still the case, even if on the birth certificate.

So you are saying that if unmarried mom dies, father listed on BC doesn't maintain parental responsibility but it passes to someone else? What exactly does happen?

That absolutely 100% can't be right

Besides the financial implications, I'd be deeply suspicious of any man who wouldn't want to marry me before children.

It is not presumed that the surviving biological parent will automatically become responsible for the child should the mother die. There was quite a big thing made about it a couple of years ago.

My take on this is, no marriage, no baby. If you can’t commit to something that can be legally dissolved then why would you want to have children with that person when you’ll be tied to them forever to an extent - even if you split. It’s utter madness.
You’re also better legally protected.
It’s your daughter’s life and ultimately her business and decision but I completely see where you come from.

It entirely depends on her finances. If she is struggling financially then marriage is probably better for her. On the other hand, me and my partner are not married and I am uneasy about doing so as I am the higher earner, have a very good credit score and will have a very good pension when I retire. If I married him, and we split, he could take me to the cleaners - no way I'd want that to happen no matter how much I trust him.

This! 100%. I cant believe how many men will insist the baby has their name but not even think of marrying it's mother.

Such naive posters here. “She doesn’

”She doesn’t have to give up work” “She can put the baby in a nursery and return to work….”

It’s not a black-and-white decision of working vs not working. Most women don’t become SAHMs, but nearly all women’s careers are impacted by the birth of a child. It affects your career progression, the hours you tend to work, the way your boss sees you.

And there are things that can happen, like a birth of a child with a significant disability or complex medical issues. A guy who is not responsible enough to marry the mother of his child is unlikely to be responsible enough to be an excellent carer, so inevitably Mum will gird her loins and ditch her job to look after the child. Have seen this happen several times.

The OP is absolutely entitled to give her daughter advice about this. How have we become so utterly lacking in resilience as a society, that family members are not even allowed to express opinions to each other? She can give advice if she wants. The daughter is entitled to ignore it, if she chooses. But she’s making some foolish decisions here.

Nope, doesn’t follow. If the guy is decent and actually committed, there is nothing to stop the couple doing a quick registry office marriage before TTC, then planning a nice wedding or “marriage party” to take place in a few years’ time. The important thing about marriage is the legal protection, not the bloody confetti and cake.

Er, is this supposed to be a “bad” outcome? Telling a useless stringer to fuck off, and going off to find a better partner sounds like a pretty good life choice to me. Are you suggesting she should tie her life prospects to a guy who, when all is said and done, may not be properly committed to her? Christ, no wonder nearly all cohabiting parents have split up (statistics show this) by the time the youngest kid is 16.

Oh hang on….she’s 39?
Too late to find another partner.

Has she really been with him for 5 years, starting at 34? If she wanted kids, shouldn’t she have pulled out the ultimatum big guns several years ago?

Frankly, she sounds a bit naive to be a mother, but if she really wants to go for it, doing IVF with a donor would probably be a better choice than this thinly committed bloke who has strung the relationship along for years.

If she really wants to get pregnant with him, approaching it from a perspective of “I’ll get pregnant with him as biological father, but essentially I’m going to think of myself a single mum from day one and work on making sure I can support myself at all times” would be rational. As a single mother, she will be entitled to help from the state, and the guy can be forced to do a 50% share in the form of custody once the relationship dies (which statistics say it will almost certainly do).

@TheShellBeach

this should do it tbf 🤷‍♀️

It is not all about ambition and drive. People have to make sensible decisions after weighing up their own circumstances.

1. childcare is unaffordable for so many people that in many families it makes sense for one parent to stay at home and care for the children and household.

2. men make more money than women

And a register office wedding has always been a non-religious alternative, very low-cost and simple to arrange.

I completely agree with this.

All this needs to be taught in schools if the girls aren't listening to what their mums say.

When she told me they were going to TTC I advised her to get married, as he earns much more than she does
Maybe his mum advised him not to marry her since he earns so much more!

Not a case of her giving up her well paid career to look after the kids then. How about instead of jumping into making babies so early, she focuses on her earning ability rather than encouraging her to become dependent on someone she's already known for 2 years!

I advise my DS not to rush into marrying someone who earns much less and is keen to have children asap and pushing for a ring on her finger.