DP won't help with nursery bills

[Sarahlll]

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

Wtf? He could give up work and you could go back. Why does he think his earnings are more important? Keep pushing back over this I absolutely would not let this go. Even more crazy he thinks his non working days are his time! When does he think you get you time?

Oh op that sounds awful, I don't really know where to start on how out of order this is

Do go back full time, you need your financial stability and it's good for your mh

Your dp should pay for 50% (at least) for the childcare, this isn't optional

He should have his dc on his days off

He shouldn't 'help' he needs to be a parent

The other expense that you should consider, is the long-term cost to you, in both a sense of security, and in bald financial numbers, of giving up your job, in pension contributions, salary increases, etc. I know you know this, I'm just saying that this is something you should make explicit in your relationship. He may argue that of course he will support you in terms of pension etc, but this is someone who expected you to pay half of bills while he was getting free childcare from you during your maternity leave, so the evidence is that you can't really trust him (sorry, I don't want to be blunt or challenge your relationship but I want to be honest with you). This is not someone who is likely to give you half his pension if you break up (or if you stay together, frankly).

It can be difficult to find the correct numbers for this sort of calculation online as "Mom salary calculators" tend to get caught up in what I consider to be hyperbolic arguments about mothers being the CEO of a home, how they should get paid as a chauffeur when they drive their kids around, get paid as a nurse when they take their child's temperature, etc. I understand the emotion behind this but it's not convincing as a financial argument (although the nurse thing, if you do have a kid with a medical condition, finding respite care for them is VERY expensive as you might actually have to find a nurse which is very costly, but that doesn't go in the calculation for most people). If you are going to argue your side (rather than simply leaving him) then you need to be pretty hardnosed about how you calculate the financial side of things.

In that case you might be financially better off if he lives elsewhere and you can claim top up benefits, help with nursery costs.

www.entitledto.co.uk/

Am I right in thinking that you do most of the domestic chores and childcare also?

@Mumsanetta Ah, ok! Sorry that's me as a person - very factual! To be honest as he's only just dropped this on me I've not had much time to fully process what he's said. When he was saying it he made me feel very unreasonable for questioning it (hence me posting on here!) but I do need to take some time to work out what would be best for me and DC.

CONTROLLING RED FLAG AND POTENTIALLY FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR.

Ding ding ding.

Confront him on this.

He is being totally unreasonable!
He pays towards it or you pay for 2.5 days nursery and he reduces his hours by 2.5 days to cover the other half! The child is both of yours so both of your responsibility. If you were happy to stay home, fine, but you want to work..as he clearly does too!
I find it really difficult when couples in a committed relationship don’t have any kind of joint income, it just makes sense to me to both pay an agreed amount into bills account to cover everything and then whatever’s left is your own. Neither person in the couple should be at a disadvantage financially. I’ve always earned significantly more than my now husband, I never questioned it! I wanted a joint account from the beginning and our money was for both of us regardless who earns more! I appreciate it’s not the same for all couples but I couldn’t have been affording luxuries and him struggling along.

Sorry if that sounds mean. I just think the answer to your initial question is so obvious and you will have hundreds of posts telling you to LTB. That might be what you want/need to hear but you might get better advice if you share your thoughts. If you want to stay the best advice might be don’t get married, refuse to quit your job and stand your ground. If you want to leave it might be advice on how to get him to leave given that he is in your house.

Sit him down and tell him straight that he’s responsible for 3.5 days of childcare , be that him doing it or him paying for childcare if he doesn’t want to do that he can find himself somewhere else to live and pay you maintenance . What a knob .

So he's a cocklodger.

Meh. He's not a keeper.

Why is he your partner and not your husband?
(btw given you own the house this is probably a good thing, but my thought on this one is about his lack of willingness to actually properly commit to be a husband and father).

I'm not married and I shall not be getting married.
There's too many abusive men out here or should I say HUSBANDS there's been a lot of threads recently with some really sad stories on.

Put his salary into the child maintainance calculator and screen shot it to him and tell him if you split he still have a moral duty to pay for his own child.

He has shown you his intentions, make sure you KEEP your job and start making plans.....

OP,

You've said DP, so I presume you're not married?

In this instance, this is one of the rare occasions when this could work in your favour.

It's your house, you solely pay the mortgage and you have a good pension.
All those things are ring-fenced to you right now as you're not married.

If your DP continues to take the 'my money, your money' stance, I'd take him at his word and tell him to exit.

Sounds like you hold the cards and he'd have to pay child maintenance.

Cross post with @Ivyblu

Sorry cross posted!

If he is making you feel unreasonable for questioning it I would suggest reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Your DP is unfortunately not original and you can pretty much predict his next moves if you read the book.

I am so sorry he has pilled this on you at the last minute. It is not the case that every man comes with red flags flapping for all to see.
You thought you had an agreement, and he has blindsided you with this.
It is such bad form op, and very difficult to get past unless he can see this is totallywrong of him, and he has equal responsibility. He sounds very selfish, and old fashioned. The baby is your responsibility as the mother, that kind of mindset.

I would give him an ultimatum and leave it with him.
I am not sure I could see him the same light, even with a resolution. He hasn't got your back op. You need this job, and you need to cover your bases in all ways, it sounds like he is out for all he can get - I am sorry. So disappointing to find this out now. Like this.

**dropped this on you at the last minute

i get the feeling when you’re saying you would need to calculate it, you are thinking of staying at home? Have you got any plans to get married? They are only little for a short time and soon will be in school.

and have you looked at the tax free childcare? If you earn less than 100k (net) you’re entitled to it.

i get the nursery fees are frustrating as it’s really a big expense and it’s easy to compare it to the woman’s salary to think how much will be left to see if it’s worthed.

Never ever ever marry this man. Under any circumstances.

However I do think he should be contributing as well. How much does he have left from his salary? Is he finding it difficult to find the money for it?

He is taking cocoklodger to the extreme, cuckoo is what he is, and cock to go with it
He seems to think it was just his sprem doing the deed and then he sits back and lets everyone else take care of his baby and he only has to pay half the bills

I wonder if the fact the house is in your name and not his has anything to do with this, the sudden change of mind - someone said something and the penny has dropped you actually hold all the cards. So he is trying not to regain control by pulling this stunt.

Finically you'd be much much better off with out him, if your earning up to £40k you'll get help with childcare to the tune of 70%

I think he's having his ego dented and if its that fragile not sure the relationship is worthwhile

This attitude is possibly built upon the fact that he lives in your home without a share in it, and maybe feels like the increased income would not benefit him, improve his lifestyle.

If he will discuss it it may be worth digging into his reasons as to why he feels splitting nursery costs is unfair.

Importantly, is he an involved dad in other ways? Does he just leave baby to you?

Will he end up with nothing if you split up?

Do not give up your job whatever happens. You can easily do this on your own if you have to. Even a few years out could seriously dent your career prospects and future. You have a great future ahead, with a steady secure foundation - and in a great position op whatever happens to him. Don't give up your security for him or anyone.
No one that truly loves you would ever expect you to.

Do you think part of what made you very appealing to your dp is your house, lifestyle, money, assets? There are plenty of male golddiggers around looking for an easy life. Does he have property? Assets? A good future? I would be really careful op. You can't unsee this now. You know how he is, and how he sees your family and future. Please don't ignore it.

Good question

Right so now he says his days off are his, on top of not wanting to contribute to the care of his child?

He's checked out.

Do yourself a favour, because this isn't going to get any better; go back to work and put your child in nursery. Separate from this selfish arsehole, and then let CMS decide how he should pay because he's clearly going to have to be forced into it.

You and your child deserve better than that useless flap of skin.