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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't help with nursery bills

409 replies

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:51

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

OP posts:
Billybear1 · 03/12/2022 14:54

Hes taking you for a right mug and you still want to be with him.

Goldpaw · 03/12/2022 14:58

I'm very glad you own the house and that it's just you on the mortgage.

If you do nothing else, you must absolutely return to work. A good job and a good pension are worth far too much to throw away because he won't support his child.

Penguinsmum · 03/12/2022 14:59

He is a pathetic poor excuse for a man. Please show him this thread!

VaginaRegina · 03/12/2022 15:01

Kick his sorry arse out and make sure you get every single penny in CMS that you possibly can.

ScrappyCats · 03/12/2022 15:01

Don’t have any more DC with him, even if he senses that you are preparing to leave and then “changes”. He won’t really change.

I should have left my ex when we only had one DC. He was unprepared to change anything about his job snd when I went back he wouldn’t take a single day for DC sickness, school holidays, emergencies etc, it made it very hard for me to work, even part-time, when we had a DC with some health problems.

I did leave. He kept coming around to my new flat. He seemed to change. He wanted another baby. After she came he persuaded me it was better for her for me to stay at home and he would kindly “support” me. I didn’t know financial abuse when I saw it and I genuinely believed he was generous when he paid for things “for” me (and questioned me about every penny I spent, he acted as if I was being wildly frivolous if I even bought clothes or essentials for DC).

I had no autonomy. It ended up being really hard for me to leave (and the divorce was hard). I realised I didn’t even know how much he earned or what savings “we” had.

That control was part of a much bigger picture, I didn’t see it until afterwards. I think there is probably more in your picture too - he doesn’t respect you.

Thank goodness the house is in his name. Hold your head for the sake of your DC, prepare to end it, start again and figure out how much your childcare will cost you with some help possibly from benefits towards the cost, keep advancing your career and be glad that he has showed his hand now (and that you have recognised it as being unacceptable).

Cherrysoup · 03/12/2022 15:01

I’d be working out how much you earn versus how much nursery is.

How come his days off are ‘him’ time, but your days off are looking after your child? Seems very unequal.

The multiple texts when you’re out make me wonder if he’s controlling?

I know it’s extreme, but if you’re not married, you can at least kick him out if he continues to be unsupportive of your career.

ScrappyCats · 03/12/2022 15:01

*hold your head up

Biscuits1011 · 03/12/2022 15:04

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:57

The plan has always been for our child to go to nursery once my maternity leave ended, it's only now that we're a month away he's decided that he doesn't see why he should contribute towards the nursery fees as if I didn't return to work then there wouldn't be a bill to pay!

Well is he suggesting you stay home with baby, and he supports you all financially? So you wouldn’t be able to contribute to the household in a financial way? Is that what he’s saying?

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/12/2022 15:06

You should be sharing all bills including nursery bills. It’s much better for the family if you both work - what would happen if he was suddenly sick? But also you have a right to a career, a pension and a life outside the home as he does.

This should be a dealbreaker - he pays up or you are out. Obviously he will pay up (if he doesn’t you have a mortgage free house so you’d be ok.)

Biscuits1011 · 03/12/2022 15:06

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:00

He has suggested that I will be entitled to benefits which would help contribute towards the household bills, and that on top of his wage would be enough to cover everything.

That would depend on lots of things. His wage. Savings you both have. It would be a joint claim, and it’s universal credit now, which does not replace working… it’s a top up benefit yes, but you would be unlikely to benefit financially this way, also if you met the criteria to claim this you could claim 85% of your childcare costs back from them…

BigChesterDraws · 03/12/2022 15:07

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:03

I've suggested a joint bank account for bills in the past and he refused.

I've been at my job for over 10 years, love it and have a very good pension. He knows all of this.

He's never been this selfish, and was great during my pregnancy. This appears to have come out of the blue!

No it didn’t come “out of the blue”. You said in the same post you’ve suggested joint accounts before but he refused. You’ve known all along what he sees you as.

This is not a partnership. He’s not your partner. Don’t indulge him with that term. He’s a flat mate you had/are having sex with. That’s what he sees you as. If he doesn’t see nursery fees as a family expense, then he doesn’t see you as a family.

Almost every day there’s a thread like this on here and it’s always because the man refuses to see the costs of raising the children he took such pleasure in making as his responsibility.

If he wants to go down the flat mate route, fine. Separate groceries. Write your name on your milk in the fridge. Count how many times each of you flushes the toilet and time your showers to calculate the water bill. Write down how many miles each of you has driven the car to work out who used how much petrol. But don’t have any more children with him. He’s no interest in being their father. He just wants to be your bedmate.

Justasec321 · 03/12/2022 15:08

Northernlassie1974 · 03/12/2022 14:31

He is being totally unreasonable!
He pays towards it or you pay for 2.5 days nursery and he reduces his hours by 2.5 days to cover the other half! The child is both of yours so both of your responsibility. If you were happy to stay home, fine, but you want to work..as he clearly does too!
I find it really difficult when couples in a committed relationship don’t have any kind of joint income, it just makes sense to me to both pay an agreed amount into bills account to cover everything and then whatever’s left is your own. Neither person in the couple should be at a disadvantage financially. I’ve always earned significantly more than my now husband, I never questioned it! I wanted a joint account from the beginning and our money was for both of us regardless who earns more! I appreciate it’s not the same for all couples but I couldn’t have been affording luxuries and him struggling along.

THIS

Blowthemandown · 03/12/2022 15:08

@Sarahlll so he doesn’t value the childcare you provided then - the CF. I’d send him a bill for his half so far then say either pay me half to stay home or pay half for the alrernative!

JustLyra · 03/12/2022 15:08

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 14:03

He's only just dropped this on me but I will sit down and look at what I would be entitled to if I was on my own and if I could cover all bills etc.

Don’t forget to have a look at the CMS calculator for what he’d owe you.

Be very careful. Pregnancy and when your baby is young is a very common time for abuse, including financial, to begin.

One very common form of financial abuse is to persuade the woman to claim benefits as a single parent as “everyone does it”. You then end up trapped because any time you get close to leaving they threaten to report you.

Please be careful.

ConnieTucker · 03/12/2022 15:09

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:08

He works shifts so my compromise to him was why don't we put DC in nursery just the days we are both working and he can have them on his days off but he has also said no to this - these days are 'his' time. Never mind the fact that I'll be working full time and still having our child!

How is this a hands on dad?!

I've suggested a joint bank account for bills in the past and he refused. He's never been this selfish, and was great during my pregnancy
you just didnt see it.

he sounds like an arsehole. What would happen if you didnt take your phone out when you had time away from the baby?

FantaFour · 03/12/2022 15:11

No it didn’t come “out of the blue”. You said in the same post you’ve suggested joint accounts before but he refused. You’ve known all along what he sees you as.

Couldn't agree with this more. Op you CHOSE to ignore this big red flag. He didn't wake up to be selfish, he was enabled by you.

Pipsquiggle · 03/12/2022 15:11

So just when things start to get expensive, he reneges on the agreement about you going back to work.

First of all he's a dickhead.

Second of all it is so short-sighted, particularly in regard to your future earnings.

Just leaving this link here showing how, when women leave the workforce due to childcare and then return a few years, they are in less well paid jobs.

www.understandingsociety.ac.uk/2019/10/22/how-womens-employment-changes-after-having-a-child

Do NOT give up your job.

Justasec321 · 03/12/2022 15:11

The baby is both of yours.

You work full time. He works full time.

When you are in work you pay for baby to be cared for for 2.5 days

The rest is up to him

MintJulia · 03/12/2022 15:11

Make it absolutely clear that he has parental responsibility and either you leave and he will do half and pay half, and that means paying nursery on his half of the week when he will also have to rearrange his working hours because he will be caring for dc while you work.

Or he behave like a decent parent right from the start. Do not give an inch because if you do, he will take advantage for the next 20 years.

You've paired up with a total shit. !

amonsteronthehill · 03/12/2022 15:13

You have zero protection if you're not married; of course you need to go back to work. And he needs to pay his % of the nursery fees so you can both work.

If he doesn't, you'd likely be better off without him and pursuing him via CMS and getting what you're entitled to benefit-wise, including childcare support, on top of your salary. He's not your partner in the true sense of the word. Listen to his actions here.

HollaHolla · 03/12/2022 15:13

What an absolute dick. He would find he was paying way more, if you kicked him out. He’d have to pay his share that way.
What a wanker.

FinallyFluid · 03/12/2022 15:14

As soon as the words left his mouth he would cease to be both a D(arling) or for that matter a partner.

This man is a cocklodger, you will be better off without him and whatever you do DO NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN with this man, this situation has more red flags than a communist rally.

amonsteronthehill · 03/12/2022 15:15

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:08

He works shifts so my compromise to him was why don't we put DC in nursery just the days we are both working and he can have them on his days off but he has also said no to this - these days are 'his' time. Never mind the fact that I'll be working full time and still having our child!

So you're expected to watch your joint child on your days off, but his days off are his time?

Tell him to get to fuck. Please. This is not a good man or father.

ButterCrackers · 03/12/2022 15:20

That’s horrid of him. Say ok you’ll pay the childcare when you are at work and he can pay the childcare when he’s at work and you are doing the childcare. Check the hours you look after your child. Tell him that you are not a free childcare service anymore. He can pay you the same costs as going to nursery. It will cost him. Get him to make a payment in advance to you every week. Check on the tax aspects. Look into your rights in case you decide to leave the relationship.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 03/12/2022 15:21

You'll be assessed as a household for benefits so apart from his warped thinking, I doubt if you'd be entitled to anything
He is incredibly selfish
You'd be better off moving out and consider yourself a single parent
You are not a partnership