DP won't help with nursery bills

[Sarahlll]

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

Or of being alone.

He's not seeing himself as a father with responsibilities. Up to you what you do with that information.

Well, he can go part-time then, can't he? And cover his 50% of childcare by caring for his child on his non-working days.

What a tool. Do you know how much child maintenance you would be entitled to if you split up?

Oh and the house is in your name thank God. Kick him out and get child support and top up benefits

He's a cunt OP.

It's just as much his baby as yours unless it was a virgin birth therefore he should contribute equally to the care of the baby, whether that is via sharing the cost of childcare bills, baby's food, clothing, or caring for baby at home on his own during working hours.

One approach is to work out the cost of caring for the baby and divide it in two, then look at how much each of you is contributing. You can also add in household bills if contributions to household bills are part of the equation. If you are staying at home, you are contributing "in kind." A reasonable way to find a cash value for your contribution is to look at what would be the equivalent cost in nanny care (childcare places are not an equivalent cost as childcare places are caring for your child along with other children so it's not an apples:apples comparison; also you have to transport a child to a childcare business, adding inconvenience to you and might affect your job; a nanny comes to your home and saves you the time of the commute to childcare, as well as you don't have to get the child ready to leave, transport diapers and formula etc, which is actually a HUUUUUUUUUUGE benefit in terms of your ability to get to your own job on time).

If you are working and baby is in childcare, then you are contributing in money given to the childcare place. If you are on maternity leave caring for the baby (without compensation from him), and are ALSO paying half of the other household bills, then you are actually contributing more than your fair share.

Just work it out on paper and see how it looks, then decide how to approach him. Please don't give up your job, this does not sound like someone who will treat you fairly.

Yea except you're career will start drifting off into the distance and so will your pension - stand your ground and don't let this ridiculous attitude define your life

At least she is in a better financial position than the others and only has 1 child

I think I'd want to tell him he's lied to my face for 4 years and waited to spring this bullshit on me, and ask him if he's got any other nasty surprises in store.

But in reality I'd keep my trap shut and make contingency plans.

Another day, another cunt masquerading as a partner and father.

I can't remember who asked, sorry, but the mortgage comes out of my account and is in just my name.

Presume you have separate finances? So he sees it that you pay the fees and you keep the wages?

Does he want
You
To be a sa hm?

Tbh that sounds unreasonable, but to give you better advuce, we need the greater financial picture in your relationship? 50/50 bills? Mortgage or rent? Who's house is it? Who pays for things for baby? Only one child?

Bang on

Your decision to go back to work? Whereas he didnt have to make a decision because he is a big important man and it's going against nature and laws for him to even consider he had a choice to stay at home or drop his hours?

What are you going to do OP? I really really hope you're taking everyones concerns on board and are thinking of leaving him. Someone who thinks:

It's ok to make unilateral decisions that affect you without your input
They can your career without discussion
Their child is solely the responsibility of the other parent
It's fair to ask (or tell) someone else to give up their financial independence when they wont even share their money in a joint account

Is at the very best, not treating you as a partner, they are treating you as the least important person in the family. The fact he has done this at the last minute without discussion though makes me (and clearly everyone else on this thread) think he is trying to sabotage you and he is likely abusive

Start making plans on how you would cope on your own and see what benefits you would be entitled to even if you're not sure at this stage you're going to act on it.

Do not give up your job and make yourself vulnerable and dependent on him.

If it's your house and he starts paying the mortgage that gives him a claim on it.

I'd ask him to leave tbh.

@SuspiciousHedgehog
He pays slightly more as he earns more. No joint bank account.
House is in my name, with a mortgage. Comes out of my account.
He does buy bits for our DC.
Just the one child.

Wait so he doesn’t have any housing costs??

Good. Don’t do anything to jeopardise that.

You house, your mortgage.
Dump him.
Get a lodger if you need to.

@Sarahlll what I mean is that everyone is telling you to LTB, this is financial abuse and that your DP is a scumbag (and I agree with all that). Your posts are very factual and you have said you will run the numbers but you haven’t actually said what you think of your DP or what you want to do.

Universal credit is most generous (if you can call it generous) to single parents who are in work. You would probably get help with nursery fees and maintenance would be over and above any UC. It sounds as if you have a supportive family so if he’s not going to play ball you have other options.

Really think about things. ‘Help out’ and ‘buy bits’ that’s sort of thing you’d say about a kind grandparent. He’s a parent he should be parenting not helping.

Oh dear god... not another one.

Havivg already been disadvantaged by biology and shoulding the disproportionate burden of pregnancy, childbirth and care of newborn ... now when it comes to deciding how the family unit will split the tasks of ongoing childcare and earning, he decides that he should continue to work and earn bit you should take the unpaid role of child care and presumably household tasks... loosing out on income, pension contributions, seriously damaging all future earning capacity not to mention massively shifting the balance of your relationship and impacting the perceived value of your contribution to the family.

As a woman... you are likely to earn 20% less than your male equivalent ... you are 50% more likely to be in a minimum wage job, you are 3 times more likely to work part time... over your lifetime your earning capacity is significantly less than your partners .... even if you went back to work full time now... stack any more odds against you are you will see that gap widen with every step you take.

If he does not consider the cost of childcare to be something that should be paid by your family unit then you should bear that burden equally either totally shared finances or you both work 50%.

Is he planning to pay your wages since it's his decision for you to stay at home and avoid nursery fees? If not, his argument fails.

But their would is he really that stupid? He's have to cover all the bills? Plus as another poster said cover your loss of earnings.