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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't help with nursery bills

409 replies

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:51

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

OP posts:
Manchester1990 · 03/12/2022 13:55

Omg he is a scumbag, he is a pathetic piece of !!

leave him and move on.

gogohmm · 03/12/2022 13:57

Is he willing to cover all household bills (just like he would if you were not working, and you cover just nursery?

Ansjovis · 03/12/2022 13:57

Being economically active brings many benefits for you. A good man would see this and would encourage it, which includes paying his fair share of the associated childcare costs.

billy1966 · 03/12/2022 13:58

What an ass you have had a child with.

Controlling without a doubt too.

Keep the job and get rid of him.

Call Womens aid for advice because his refusal to pay is and effort to control you.

IMO your relationship should end.

You certainly don't know him well enough to have had a child and you certainly won't want another.

Thank god you have family and friends close. Keep them close too.

TolkiensFallow · 03/12/2022 13:58

So he wants you to give up your income, fulfillment and pension because you have a uterus?

Letthesunshineonin · 03/12/2022 13:59

This is unbelievable! Just shocking behaviour.
Sounds like he wants you tied to the kitchen sink and beholden to him for everything.

upfucked · 03/12/2022 14:00

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:00

He has suggested that I will be entitled to benefits which would help contribute towards the household bills, and that on top of his wage would be enough to cover everything.

How much does he earn? I’m a sahm and all I’m entitled to is my national insurance stamps paid for by the government. That’s it.m, no actual money.

You obviously expecting/wanting to return to work. Even wanting to a sahm I would be reluctant yo do it your situation as you are putting you and your child in a bad financial situation.

Hbh17 · 03/12/2022 14:01

It's also not "helping" with nursery bills, it's "paying his fair share, ie 50%, for the care and education of his own child".

Tangled123 · 03/12/2022 14:02

Have you ran the numbers, OP? If you pay all the nursery bills, would you have anything left? I would possibly agree to pay the nursery bills (if less than my wages), but not pay for anything else on top like food or mortgage. He wants to take on the burden of everything else anyway, right?

Zilla1 · 03/12/2022 14:02

Sorry to hear that OP. FWIW a strong signal to return to work, keep your pension and build your savings, both because of his attitude to money and because of his attitude to your wishes. Don't compromise around his shift. If you can afford, I would pay nursery myself, ensure you don't subsidise him even if he appears to 'pay a little more' (how does he contribute to the house if it's in your name?) and be careful in the future. Hope the return to work goes well and make sure he does his share of sick days off, pick ups and so on. Eventually, introduce him and his family to the 21st century. Hope his family agree he does all the family overhead for his side of the family. Good luck.

darkwinterdays · 03/12/2022 14:03

So is he prepared to pay you a salary/pension etc whilst you stay at home and look after his children?

As he is a DP and not DH you would be better off, and have more financial security, if you do go back to work...

Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 14:03

He's only just dropped this on me but I will sit down and look at what I would be entitled to if I was on my own and if I could cover all bills etc.

OP posts:
viques · 03/12/2022 14:04

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:57

The plan has always been for our child to go to nursery once my maternity leave ended, it's only now that we're a month away he's decided that he doesn't see why he should contribute towards the nursery fees as if I didn't return to work then there wouldn't be a bill to pay!

Blimey, I hope your poor child hasn’t inherited his intelligence.

When you buy new clothes for the child does he insist on only buying one shoe?
If you take the child out to eat does he demand that the child is only given half a meal?
Does he say the child has to get out of the car half way through the journey and walk the rest of the way?

BOTH parents have EQUAL responsibilities for the care and maintenance of their children, nursery fees just like food, clothing,toys, activities, haircuts are the expenses BOTH parents incur.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2022 14:04

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:54

We have separate bank accounts and share the bills between us, he pays very slightly more than I do as he earns more.

Even through your maternity leave??

VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN · 03/12/2022 14:05

This is the makings of financial abuse.
before you know it you’ll be unemployed, surviving on whatever bit of money he decides you’re entitled to. OP I’ve had this life for 3 years since my daughter was born, it has been awful, Im isolated from my family I don’t have any friends anymore and for the past 3 years outside caring for DD I’ve had nothing but an existence. Please don’t be like me who just puts up with it. I’ve left now and I wish I had at the start. Don’t give up your life. Please phone womens aid or refuge and they will for sure help and advise you. Xxx

Barwickunited · 03/12/2022 14:07

Just to warn you that you are not entitled to benefits straight away if you resign from your job. From memory universal credit you have to wait 3 months.

TrixJax · 03/12/2022 14:07

Just book the nursery for the days you're both at work and then head off out to work on the other days leaving the DC with him.
When he complains you can give him the nursery details if he cares to book and pay for DC in for "his" days!

Mentalpiece · 03/12/2022 14:08

He gets up in the night with the baby, but won't have the baby on his days off so that you can work, he tells you that he's not prepared to contribute to the nursery fees so that you can work.
Why doesn't he want you to work? What is he afraid of? Because all this points to him not wanting you to work.
Is he insecure? Jealous? What?
You can't be controlled like this, you are a person in your own right.
I would seriously consider ending the relationship before it gets worse, and it will, of that there is no doubt.
If you become a SAHM, not only will you be compromising your own financial future but you will also become completely reliant on him financially, which given from what you've said will bring nothing but misery and regret.

Justthisonce12 · 03/12/2022 14:08

Barwickunited · 03/12/2022 14:07

Just to warn you that you are not entitled to benefits straight away if you resign from your job. From memory universal credit you have to wait 3 months.

@Barwickunited I don’t think that’s true if she has a baby under the age of three years old

deeperthanallroses · 03/12/2022 14:09

you need to think what is in my power to change, which is much more effective than shouting at a man to change his opinion. I see two things I could do. I would immediately cancel all contributions to the joint account, saying it’s saving for childcare fees as I do have a plan but I doubt you’ll cope to be honest . And, where does he work/ what is his job? I think I would drive there, hand him the baby, and say you will contribute your share to childcare so we can both work. It’s not so I can work, it’s so you can work. But here’s the baby to see if you can manage both. And drive off.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2022 14:09

The house is in your name. Is that the mortgage or renting?
You have a well paying job you like.
You've probably got a lot of earning potential because you're good at your job.
You've got good pension arrangements so are able to provide for yourself in the future.

And he wants you to give all that up because he doesn't want to pay childcare costs for his child?
It sounds like he's wanting you at home and financially screwed over.

TiddleyWink · 03/12/2022 14:09

Tangled123 · 03/12/2022 14:02

Have you ran the numbers, OP? If you pay all the nursery bills, would you have anything left? I would possibly agree to pay the nursery bills (if less than my wages), but not pay for anything else on top like food or mortgage. He wants to take on the burden of everything else anyway, right?

Don’t even do this. It sets the idea that women are responsible for childcare costs, they’re not. Even if the net result is the same it’s essential that childcare is not a cost borne out of the woman’s salary, it’s a horrible message to set within the family.

deeperthanallroses · 03/12/2022 14:10

Or, rather than drive to his work, actually much easier to just get up and leave the house early.
im sorry he’s an arsehole. I’m glad the house is in your name!

femfemlicious · 03/12/2022 14:12

@Sarahlll he wants you to leave your job and be financially dependent on him. Then he will look down on you for not "working " . It's better you leave him now
Don't fall into this trap. He is a fucking asshole!

lemmein · 03/12/2022 14:12

Eurgh seriously, get rid of him. Apart from the fact he's an abusive, selfish, misogynistic arsehole - he's also thick as fuck too.

Ultimately we get treat how we allow others treat us - he obviously thinks you're as thick as him and you'll cave to his demands to retain his godly presence in your home - educate him!