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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call police over drunk friend gone AWOL?

268 replies

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 02:50

Hi, looking for urgent advice. Was on a night out tonight with a friend of mine. Friend got very very drunk. We elected to take a taxi home together around 1AM. I tried as hard as I could to get her to stay at mine so I could know she was safe, but she was hellbent on going to her ex girlfriend's house which is quite far away from where I live. She was also hellbent on dropping me off first. In hindsight I should've stopped her but I was rather drunk at this point too (have sobered up now from the panic).

Taxi driver was a South Asian guy. Friend got in the front. Despite being a staunch lesbian, she was making suggestive comments to the driver and to be honest he wasn't as dismissive as I would've hoped. She said something about staying at his house and he said something along the lines of "I would love to, but I have to work for a few more hours". Imo it sounded like he was serious.

Anyway, when they dropped me off, I told her that if she didn't message me/respond to messages to let me know when she was at ex gf's house I was going to call the police. She seemed cognisant of this and promised to be in touch.

By 2 I hadn't heard anything and she hadn't responded to my texts so I called her. Phone rang out for a long time then "she" answered. I was putting the phone on speaker and I heard a voice which sounded rather low, and not like hers, but I can;t say that's 100% reliable because the phone was far away from my face and not on speaker. Then silence for about 30 seconds, then heard someone clearing their throat - again, did NOT sound like her.

Rang again 10 mins later, it answered on 3rd ring but hung up immediately.

So, I rang 101 (local police) and explained the situation. 101 operator said they’re not interested because “she’s an adult and can make her own decisions”. I contested this and said she's very drunk and vulnerable - operator woman "well we can't just go on what ifs". I suggested them checking the CCTV for the location & time we got into the taxi to obtain the reg and then maybe have police (of which there were dozens standing outside the pub doing nothing) check the ranks to see if the taxi returned? Surely that wouldn;t be too difficult? Again they were not interested.

Also, I dont have the address of the ex gf, but I have her full name and know the village she lives in. Could the police not search for her address and then send someone round to check that she made it there? Am i being dramatic and paranoid/unreasonable or do you think they should be doing more? I just feel that in cases where women's safety is at risk it's always too little too late with them (Alice ruggles, Sarah Everard etc).

OP posts:
BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:32

CatByDay · 03/12/2022 09:31

Glad she's ok.

Also glad the poor taxi driver is now in the clear of being suspected of raping and/or murdering someone just because he ends up with a drunk passenger who sexually harasses him but hey he's male and south Asian so I guess he was definitely going to do something awful.

This

Cheesuswithallama · 03/12/2022 09:32

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 09:12

I could have worded it better but what I was getting at is that it's very unlikely that the average man, while entirely sober, can be predated on (physically or sexually) by the average drunk woman. It's the woman who is in danger of being predated on because she is unable to consent and probably unable to physically fight an attacker off. The driver will just remove himself from the situation if warranted. He definitely won't end up raped.

I obviously don't condone unwanted advances, but to me this is not predatory in the same way that men on the lookout for drunken girls to take home and have their way with is predatory, so i would not use the same language.

Show quote history

It is predatory. As a customer you are in a position of power.
I've seen many drinking female customers get very inappropriate with male servers incl giving them room numbers.
The guys had to be polite, do the "I wish I could haha, flattered" dance otherwise the customers would flip and they would risk losing job.
I can totally imagine similar could be the case of this taxi driver. Or not, who knows.

But I will be blunt. Where she goes re her own choices even as drunk. No one else can make choices for you. Not your friends etc. So the friends shouldn't really beat themselves up for it!

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 09:33

Also glad the poor taxi driver is now in the clear of being suspected of raping and/or murdering someone

Don't jump the gun! We haven't heard what she said yet. Maybe he dumped her up the dirt road after she had her lesbian way with him.

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:35

@Cheesuswithallama

I've seen many drinking female customers get very inappropriate with male servers incl giving them room numbers.
The guys had to be polite, do the "I wish I could haha, flattered" dance otherwise the customers would flip and they would risk losing job.

yes, when my husband worked as a bar man/waiter when much younger (and extremely attractive 😁) he got some very intense and sometimes physical unwanted approaches from groups of drunk women. Including grabbing his bum etc. He described it to me (years later) as definitely predatory.

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 09:35

She's fine. She made it to the ex's house and passed out drunk. DOesn't remember answering any calls so unsure whether it was her or the ex on the phone. I don;'t care at this point. I'm going to sleep and let this all blow over

Thank you so so much to everyone for keeping me relatively sane through what was probably one of the worst nights of my life. You're all stars Flowers

Also don't think I'll be drinking for a long long time

OP posts:
eish · 03/12/2022 09:37

'We' tend to be too sensitive. I think not when people suffer everything from passive aggressive comments to horrendous slurs and abuse on a daily basis. Unless racism is addressed and called out it will not be stamped out. The op may 'think' she is not racist but at best there is an unconscious bias towards the taxi driver's ethnicity. If people making comment on here makes her reflect and do better then this is absolutely a good thing.

Pondere · 03/12/2022 09:37

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 09:35

She's fine. She made it to the ex's house and passed out drunk. DOesn't remember answering any calls so unsure whether it was her or the ex on the phone. I don;'t care at this point. I'm going to sleep and let this all blow over

Thank you so so much to everyone for keeping me relatively sane through what was probably one of the worst nights of my life. You're all stars Flowers

Also don't think I'll be drinking for a long long time

So is the evil Asian driver now in the clear?

LakieLady · 03/12/2022 09:37

whataboutya · 03/12/2022 09:09

I refuse to believe a taxi firm wouldn't answer their phone after 9am on a Saturday morning. Try them again.

I'm astonished by that, too.

Are you sure you have the right number for the taxi firm, OP?

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 09:39

Just waiting for the deletion notice now, because you know, it's 'outing' op does not want to be repeatedly called a racist

Bedazzled22 · 03/12/2022 09:40

@BloodAndFire I just mean we are being oversensitive when someone has explained why they said it. We don’t know that she didn’t also say what his age range was… the Op was in a highly distressed state over her friend.

Willmafrockfit · 03/12/2022 09:41

i think you need to trust the taxi driver.
anyway glad she has responded
lesson learnt

Charlize43 · 03/12/2022 09:42

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 09:24

She's messaged me.

Can you imagine if police had put resources on this at 2.50?

Two drunken women, one sexually harassing a taxi driver and another with an overactive imagination getting immediately worked up over nothing...

Maybe drink responsibly next time, rather than wasting everyone's time. You can see why the police don't respond to these calls. I wonder how many of them they get?

Bedazzled22 · 03/12/2022 09:43

Frankly, it must be a nightmare being a taxi driver. I do think it must be a very stressful job especially at night

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:48

Bedazzled22 · 03/12/2022 09:40

@BloodAndFire I just mean we are being oversensitive when someone has explained why they said it. We don’t know that she didn’t also say what his age range was… the Op was in a highly distressed state over her friend.

We know that she didn't say his age range because it's not in her post.

I think you misunderstood my point. Op said she included his ethnicity because she had mentioned it to police. I said if that were the case she would also have included all the other details she undoubtedly gave them, like his age, build, hair, clothes, etc. She didn't put those in her post

There is nothing 'oversensitive' about calling out racism.

GrinAndVomit · 03/12/2022 09:51

Bedazzled22 · 03/12/2022 09:43

Frankly, it must be a nightmare being a taxi driver. I do think it must be a very stressful job especially at night

I think it’s a bit of a double edged sword. For predatory men, being a taxi driver is an opportunity to come into contact with lone, vulnerable women. For men who are not predatory, it can put them in very risky situations with intoxicated people.

BugOut · 03/12/2022 09:51

You are a truly amazing friend and I hope she realises what she put you through. Have a good sleep.

Cheesuswithallama · 03/12/2022 09:52

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:35

@Cheesuswithallama

I've seen many drinking female customers get very inappropriate with male servers incl giving them room numbers.
The guys had to be polite, do the "I wish I could haha, flattered" dance otherwise the customers would flip and they would risk losing job.

yes, when my husband worked as a bar man/waiter when much younger (and extremely attractive 😁) he got some very intense and sometimes physical unwanted approaches from groups of drunk women. Including grabbing his bum etc. He described it to me (years later) as definitely predatory.

Exactly. People usually think only about the physical side eg-men are often stronger, but the power inbalance between costoner and worker is as trong as.
Both sexes can behave absolutely appalingly towards workers in the best if times. If you add sexual advances, it takes really bad turn.
In essence it's "be nice and pretend you like my advances or I will throw a strop and you will be in a trouble"

Badgirlriri · 03/12/2022 09:52

This story had more drip feeds than a leaky tap.

whataboutya · 03/12/2022 09:53

I guess this is why the police weren't taking you seriously, they must have so many calls for situations like this. Easy to see why sometimes actual serious reports can slip through the cracks.

I'm glad she's okay but I think in future

• don't drink so much
• share location
• drop home most drunk friend first

SoShallINever · 03/12/2022 09:55

Am I comprehending this right? She's heavily pregnant and pissed as a newt?

BigsyMalone · 03/12/2022 09:56

Poor you OP . Exhausting for you!

kierenthecommunity · 03/12/2022 09:57

@SoShallINever isn’t it drunken pal’s best friend who’s heavily pregnant?

whataboutya · 03/12/2022 09:57

SoShallINever · 03/12/2022 09:55

Am I comprehending this right? She's heavily pregnant and pissed as a newt?

The ex girlfriend of the missing friend is heavily pregnant

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:58

SoShallINever · 03/12/2022 09:55

Am I comprehending this right? She's heavily pregnant and pissed as a newt?

Where are you getting 'pregnant' from?

Anyway, turns out it was all fine. The op just did a little racism but turns out nothing had happened at all.

marcopront · 03/12/2022 09:58

SoShallINever · 03/12/2022 09:55

Am I comprehending this right? She's heavily pregnant and pissed as a newt?

The drunk friend's best friend is heavily pregnant.

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