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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call police over drunk friend gone AWOL?

268 replies

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 02:50

Hi, looking for urgent advice. Was on a night out tonight with a friend of mine. Friend got very very drunk. We elected to take a taxi home together around 1AM. I tried as hard as I could to get her to stay at mine so I could know she was safe, but she was hellbent on going to her ex girlfriend's house which is quite far away from where I live. She was also hellbent on dropping me off first. In hindsight I should've stopped her but I was rather drunk at this point too (have sobered up now from the panic).

Taxi driver was a South Asian guy. Friend got in the front. Despite being a staunch lesbian, she was making suggestive comments to the driver and to be honest he wasn't as dismissive as I would've hoped. She said something about staying at his house and he said something along the lines of "I would love to, but I have to work for a few more hours". Imo it sounded like he was serious.

Anyway, when they dropped me off, I told her that if she didn't message me/respond to messages to let me know when she was at ex gf's house I was going to call the police. She seemed cognisant of this and promised to be in touch.

By 2 I hadn't heard anything and she hadn't responded to my texts so I called her. Phone rang out for a long time then "she" answered. I was putting the phone on speaker and I heard a voice which sounded rather low, and not like hers, but I can;t say that's 100% reliable because the phone was far away from my face and not on speaker. Then silence for about 30 seconds, then heard someone clearing their throat - again, did NOT sound like her.

Rang again 10 mins later, it answered on 3rd ring but hung up immediately.

So, I rang 101 (local police) and explained the situation. 101 operator said they’re not interested because “she’s an adult and can make her own decisions”. I contested this and said she's very drunk and vulnerable - operator woman "well we can't just go on what ifs". I suggested them checking the CCTV for the location & time we got into the taxi to obtain the reg and then maybe have police (of which there were dozens standing outside the pub doing nothing) check the ranks to see if the taxi returned? Surely that wouldn;t be too difficult? Again they were not interested.

Also, I dont have the address of the ex gf, but I have her full name and know the village she lives in. Could the police not search for her address and then send someone round to check that she made it there? Am i being dramatic and paranoid/unreasonable or do you think they should be doing more? I just feel that in cases where women's safety is at risk it's always too little too late with them (Alice ruggles, Sarah Everard etc).

OP posts:
softpilllow · 03/12/2022 09:22

@MrNook

I didn't say that though, did I?

A poster asked why she mentioned it, if the poster had read the thread they would've read OPs explanation as to why she mentioned it. I'm not excusing racism.

Equally I didn't say you were excusing racism.

I was commenting about n the fact that OP was.

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 09:24

She's messaged me.

OP posts:
boobybum · 03/12/2022 09:25

araiwa · 03/12/2022 04:25

What's the relevance of the driver being South Asian?

I wondered this too 🙄

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/12/2022 09:25

Thank God. Is she ok?

TimeForMeToF1y · 03/12/2022 09:25

Janieread · 03/12/2022 09:11

It's probably one of their busiest days of the year.

How are they busy if they don't answer the phone?

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:25

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 09:22

@MrNook

I didn't say that though, did I?

A poster asked why she mentioned it, if the poster had read the thread they would've read OPs explanation as to why she mentioned it. I'm not excusing racism.

Equally I didn't say you were excusing racism.

I was commenting about n the fact that OP was.

Yes, she absolutely was (the op). Her friend was not in more danger because of the driver's ethnicity, and there is no way she would have included 'white' even if she'd included in her report to police.

She didn't include the driver's age , build, hair style, clothing, facial hair, etc. All of which she would presumably have told the police. Only his ethnicity.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/12/2022 09:26

@boobybum read the OPs posts......

MrNook · 03/12/2022 09:26

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 09:24

She's messaged me.

Is she okay?

LakieLady · 03/12/2022 09:27

araiwa · 03/12/2022 04:25

What's the relevance of the driver being South Asian?

I was wondering the very same.

It's irrelevant and unnecesary.

GrazingSheep · 03/12/2022 09:27

Glad you’ve heard from her.

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:27

boobybum · 03/12/2022 09:25

I wondered this too 🙄

Yeah, lost me there. I imagine we were supposed to infer that the friend was in more danger because she was drunkenly propositioning an Asian man than if she was doing it to a white man. Or something equally unpleasant

FirewomanSam · 03/12/2022 09:27

OP I really feel for you but your posts read like someone in a very anxious state after too much drink imagining all sorts of awful scenarios without any evidence for any of them. From everything you’ve described it sounds like by FAR the most likely scenario is that your friend got home, immediately passed out drunk and answered your phonecall in a drunken stupor. You’re a good friend for being so concerned but you’re spiralling worrying about dark roads and taxi drivers and jealous ex girlfriends. You’ve done everything you can for now. Try to sleep it off and check in with your friend in a few hours.

boobybum · 03/12/2022 09:28

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/12/2022 09:26

@boobybum read the OPs posts......

The posts on this thread as there aren’t any posts on any other threads.

NextPrimeMinister · 03/12/2022 09:28

Oh god give it a rest. The OP has explained and apologised. Whaddya want, self flagilation?

FirewomanSam · 03/12/2022 09:28

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 09:24

She's messaged me.

Cross posted. So she’s fine?

mydudero · 03/12/2022 09:28

I'm so sorry OP, what a stressful night for you. There have been some awful stories in the news in recent years and I'm sorry the police aren't taking you more seriously. The likelihood is she's passed out drunk at her ex gf's or her aunts, but in the small chance she is in trouble you would hope that they would follow up your concerns somehow.

You said that you work in the same building as the ex gf, is there a colleague you could contact that might have a way to contact her?

I really hope you hear from her soon ❤️

Bedazzled22 · 03/12/2022 09:29

OP, I’m glad you’ve heard from your friend. Hope all is ok. You can get some rest now

I don’t think the OP should be flamed for saying the man was south Asian. Of course, his ethnicity is not relevant, but we do tend to be over sensitive. The OP is distressed enough, been up all night worrying about her friend. There’s no need to add to it when it’s clear it was not an intentional reference.

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:29

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/12/2022 09:26

@boobybum read the OPs posts......

I have. Her 'explanation' doesn't explain at all.

Her friend was not in more danger because of the driver's ethnicity, and there is no way she would have included 'white' even if she'd included in her report to police.

She didn't include the driver's age , build, hair style, clothing, facial hair, etc. All of which she would presumably have told the police. Only his ethnicity.

Gross

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 09:29

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 09:24

She's messaged me.

Make sure and string it out for effect OP, don't say she is fine or anything like that in your first update, just that she has messaged you. That way you will get multiple posters asking you questions Hmm

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FirewomanSam · 03/12/2022 09:30

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 09:29

Make sure and string it out for effect OP, don't say she is fine or anything like that in your first update, just that she has messaged you. That way you will get multiple posters asking you questions Hmm

Indeed.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/12/2022 09:30

@BloodAndFire
@boobybum

Righto.

Lovageandrose · 03/12/2022 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CatByDay · 03/12/2022 09:31

Glad she's ok.

Also glad the poor taxi driver is now in the clear of being suspected of raping and/or murdering someone just because he ends up with a drunk passenger who sexually harasses him but hey he's male and south Asian so I guess he was definitely going to do something awful.

BloodAndFire · 03/12/2022 09:31

Bedazzled22 · 03/12/2022 09:29

OP, I’m glad you’ve heard from your friend. Hope all is ok. You can get some rest now

I don’t think the OP should be flamed for saying the man was south Asian. Of course, his ethnicity is not relevant, but we do tend to be over sensitive. The OP is distressed enough, been up all night worrying about her friend. There’s no need to add to it when it’s clear it was not an intentional reference.

but we do tend to be over sensitive.

who is 'we'?

What does this mean?

how do you unintentionally write something? Are you suggesting she sat on her phone?