AIBU for not leaving amusement park early when my niece had to because she was sick?

[mestomlin]

My niece has cancer and my parents wanted to make her birthday decided to pay for the entire family to go to an amusement park. So the people who went were my niece, her brother, their mum (my sister), our mum and dad, my husband, my son, and I.

Not long after we get to the park my niece starts to not feel well. She ends up getting sick. After a while of resting she doesn’t feel better and we notice she has a fever. My sister decided that they needed to take her home. Since we drove separately my husband, our kids, and I were going to stay.

At that point my nephew starts to get upset that he’s going to be leaving with them. My parents start to scold him for yelling, but being that I know he often has to give up things because of his sister being sick I felt bad for him. So, I offer watch him for the rest of the day and say we can drive him home.

My mum pulled me aside and said we should all leave early so we don’t make my niece feel bad about being the only kid that had to go home early. After the long drive to get there I didn’t think it was fair to expect the other kids to leave after not even having gone on a ride. By that point they had spent hours in the car driving there and sitting on benches resting. My mum said that since she and my dad paid for the tickets it should be up to them whether we stay or go home early.

In the end I stood firm that me, my husband, and son were staying. My sister also let her son stay with us too. We had a good time and got some souvenirs and treats for my niece. When we got back and dropped off my nephew. My sister looked exhausted and said her daughter had been crying the whole day because she had to leave early. My mum has since said that I ruined my nieces birthday by making her feel left out.

You didn't read until the end. The niece spent all day crying because she was so upset she had to leave while the others spent the day at the park. She was bothered, very bothered. She is a child and it was her birthday and everyone got to have a fun day except her.

I read the end, nowhere did it say the neice was crying because everyone else stayed, just that she cried at having to come home early.

You know whats actually LESS fun than feeling shitty and having to come home early from a theme park?

Its feeling shitty, sitting in the car for an hour, then sitting at home feeling shitty whilst your brother and cousins all sit round being forced to be nice to you, whilst all disappointed that they had to come home early too.

It really grinds in the fact that you're ill, and its always YOU that fucks up and ruins days out.

I think the fact the childs mother allowed her brother to stay suggests this was an appropriate solution, given the distance and that they were all there already.

If the child had been too ill to go and everyone else had gone without her anyway, THAT would have been unfair.

That would indeed have been leaving her out.

But that is in fact, not what happened.

I could maybe see the argument for all going home for a little party at nieces home if this was a local trip that could be rescheduled easily. Doesn't sound like a feasible option after a long journey to get to the park.

You made the best of a bad situation and what sounds like a badly thought out plan by the grandparents. Sounds like it was too much for the poor girl.

I think the key thing is that all this happened on her birthday, and this should be kept in mind. Maybe the OP can clarify, but I do think her niece felt excluded and was crying all day for this reason as much as any other. OP's mother said as much.

Was the cancer the reason she was sick or was it a coincidence?

It wasn't her actual birthday on the day she'd already had a party.

The nephew probably needed a day of normality no?

What did niece say about others leaving or going home? At 9 I'm sure she'd have had a view or was it overridden by your mother?

The poster that suggested speaking to guest services had it right.

I think you did a nice thing for your nephew OP. The sick niece doesn’t need to add guilt at wrecking everyone else’s day too (obviously it’s in no way her fault, but I can absolutely see someone feeling that way).

Sorry but I would of left and seen if a couple of children could go round your sisters house and watch films with the niece while she’s not feeling well? I would of done everything I could to make sure she’s not upset on her birthday, if she didn’t have cancer it would be different. So I agree with your mum.

@WiddlinDiddlin But she has cancer ? Could they not of made it fun and got loads of sweets and Christmas films round the nieces house.

Obvs I have no idea how ill or what symptoms OP’s DN had yesterday but as the mother of a little girl who had cancer at a slightly younger age than this little girl, that might not have been an appropriate alternative at all.

By the time they had driven all the way back (possibly stopping along the way for sicking up into bushes) the little girl would likely be exhausted (especially as she’d been crying).

children on chemo often have very poor appetites and incredibly bad mouth ulcers, many need a nasal feeding tube to get calories into them.

2 or 3 physically well kids, disappointed at missing on a day out, possibly being loud and boisterous, munching sweets she can’t eat in DN’s personal sanctuary space of home when she is tired, sad, sick and possibly embarrassed about getting sick in public could well be her worst nightmare.

my daughter was life threateningly ill between the ages of 6 and 8 and missed almost two years of school. She’s just turned 11 and thankfully is in remission & physically healthy (besides some long term side effects from chemo) but really struggles to integrate with her peers, they are too loud and too clumsy/physical for someone who got used to the quiet of the hospital and living with various tubes and medical devices at a crucial psychosocial development stage of childhood.

my DD’s cancer left her older sister with an eating disorder and her big brother dropped out of uni.

I often say I wouldn’t let my kid watch a TV drama about what she went through, let alone a documentary, it was that harrowing. My three lived it and it’s left an indelible mark on all of them.

Cancer fucks with the whole family and what seems like a nice thing to arrange in theory (family movies and sweets or a day out at a theme park) can turn out to be shitty thing in practice.

FWIW I think the op did the right thing by her nephew, who will, like his sister, find the effects of this time period reaching far into his future.

The theme park will almost definitely supply fresh freebie tickets for all the family on provision of some evidence of DN’s condition (eg letter from MacMillan nurse) and will likely be able to arrange some VIP stuff to make the visit more manageable (queue jump pass, loaned wheelchair, discounted rates in nearby affiliated hotel etc)

Thankfully childhood cancer is rare (around 1000 new diagnosis per year) and companies who market at children/families will often bend over backwards to accommodate kids with a life threatening diagnosis.

Yeah so much fun for the birthday girl popcorn and vomit don't mix its best she was left alone to recover rather than giving a public pukathon

I think the key thing is that all this happened on her birthday, and this should be kept in mind

It didn't though, she'd already had a small birthday party.

@WiddlinDiddlin
Okay, but it was her special day out, a birthday treat organised for her.

@MCbadgelore
I'm so sorry your family went through all that. Very glad your DD is doing well now.

It's a very good idea to contact the park and also to rearrange the trip so it might be more manageable and enjoyable for OP's niece.

I think for a 9 year old knowing that the other kids were altogether doing the fun thing she couldn't do on her birthday would make things much worse.
Its one thing to miss out on the treat you've been looking forward to, quite another to know you're the only one who has had to, to watch your brother coming back happy and excited, talking about it. Much much worse.

People keep asking if she was sick because of the cancer or just generally unwell, presumably because if it was 'just a cold' then it was OK to carry on. However, when you're going through chemo, just about anything can floor you, so 'just a cold' is not 'just a cold'. I think it's irrelevant why exactly she felt ill, just that she's a young girl with cancer, who is immunocompromised, and had to watch the rest of her family staying to enjoy her special birthday treat whilst she was ill again and had to miss out. Life went out without her.

I'm not surprised the poor mite cried for the rest of the day, and I can't understand why so many people seem to think it was OK that she was not put first on an outing that was designed to celebrate her.

I'd feel a bit shitty as an adult, albeit, more likely to understand, but if I was only nine...

We can go round and round on this til the cows come home, get milked and die of old age.

Some kids would be upset at making everyone else miss the treat.
Some kids would be upset at them staying whilst she had to go home.
Some kids would be too sick and absolutely NOT want everyone round to theirs instead of the treat.
Some kids wouldn't be and would love that.

Ultimately, only the OP can find out if her niece was upset about missing out but not about others staying, or not. Or whether she'd have been happy at making others miss out, or not.

OP - communicate with your sister. She knows whats what and it sounds like your Mum does not.

I think you got this one wrong OP.

Sounds to me like OPs mum was spot on. OP has already communicated with her sister, who was exhausted and said the child had been crying all afternoon.

You did the right thing, at least the best thing in the circumstances. I don’t see why anyone else had to suffer. It’s brutal for your poor niece, but the best outcome for your nephew and your son. Your mum was, imo, wrong to demand everyone go home.

How was it the sister's call? It was the OPs mum who paid for the tickets.I think it was wrong and very thoughtless for everyone else to stay except the poor child whose birthday treat it was..
You say it was unfair on your kids having to travel hours, how fair do you think it feels to the little girl with cancer, feeling ill on her birthday treat and then knoqwing everyone is having fum without her at her own party? She will just think you are along for a jolly, not for her at all

And to override your mum's wishes who had paid for the whole thing, wow, so entitled!
You should have gone to customer services and explained the situation and i bet they would have swapped the tickets

I don't think that paying for a day out for your family should mean that they are beholden to you like that. It doesn't give you the right to control people.

I also think it should have been the sister's call as she is best placed to know the impact on her daughter and how upset she was likely to be about it.

Of course it does. If you hired a function room for a party say, and it became necessary to cance because you became ill, you thnk its ok for guests to refuse to vacate?
The Sister clearly did not know best because the niece was crying all day, and also the OP put her in an impossible position.How was she supposed to say 'yes i want everyone to go home so littlle x does not feel left out'

That's not comparable. It would of course be strange for guests to turn up to a private function that had been cancelled. She just bought them tickets to a theme park that stays open whether or not she decides to leave.

It's a shame OP's sister wasn't able to be truthful with her about what OP's niece would have wanted. We're a bit more frank in my family so it wouldn't have been an issue for my sister to say "actually, let's all go home and do this another day. I know DD will be so sad if all the other kids get to have her birthday day out without her". But I guess that if they don't have a relationship like that where they can just be completely open then OP should have made the call to go home herself. I just completely disagree with this idea that someone buys you a gift/ticket and that automatically means they have some level of control over you. That's not the spirit of giving. Gifts shouldn't come with strings and I wouldn't accept a gift from anyone on that basis.

It's a shame OP's sister wasn't able to be truthful with her about what OP's niece would have wanted.
Surely it should be obvious that no child would want their special birthday treat to take place without them? Please don't blame OP's sister for this.
I think OP put her sister in a very difficult position by insisting on staying on and then offering to include her nephew. Her sister then had a choice of which child to bitterly disappoint.
It would have been better to postpone I think. Yes, OP's approach ensured her son and nephew had a good day, but it was very much at her niece's expense. I'm all for supporting her nephew too, of course, but this was simply not the time or place.

Ops sister was in a very difficult position since OP refused to leave the park with her kids. If OP had said, it is niece's birthday so we okay to leave with her, then OPs sister would have not had to make a decision about should brother stay. But since OP said , who cares about niece, we want a fun day out on someone's else's dollar and we don't give a fig about anyone else...now OPs sister is stuck as niece has to go home but cousins are staying. It wasn't that sister suggested that they all stay and have a great fun time and she was a-okay with niece being excluded from all the fun and that she thought it best that niece go home alone while everyone else has a grand day - that decision was taken out of her hands when OP decided they were there to have a fun day out and that niece and her birthday didn't factor into that.

Anyways this post is somewhat pointless. Op and her kids got their fun day out paid for by mom and OPs sister dealt with her sad child who spent her birthday crying. I am sure this is a bit of a pattern hence both Ops mother and sisters comments. OP doesn't actually care if it was reasonable or unreasonable, she got her free fun day at the park which seems to be the only thing that she cared about at all.