AIBU for not leaving amusement park early when my niece had to because she was sick?

[mestomlin]

My niece has cancer and my parents wanted to make her birthday decided to pay for the entire family to go to an amusement park. So the people who went were my niece, her brother, their mum (my sister), our mum and dad, my husband, my son, and I.

Not long after we get to the park my niece starts to not feel well. She ends up getting sick. After a while of resting she doesn’t feel better and we notice she has a fever. My sister decided that they needed to take her home. Since we drove separately my husband, our kids, and I were going to stay.

At that point my nephew starts to get upset that he’s going to be leaving with them. My parents start to scold him for yelling, but being that I know he often has to give up things because of his sister being sick I felt bad for him. So, I offer watch him for the rest of the day and say we can drive him home.

My mum pulled me aside and said we should all leave early so we don’t make my niece feel bad about being the only kid that had to go home early. After the long drive to get there I didn’t think it was fair to expect the other kids to leave after not even having gone on a ride. By that point they had spent hours in the car driving there and sitting on benches resting. My mum said that since she and my dad paid for the tickets it should be up to them whether we stay or go home early.

In the end I stood firm that me, my husband, and son were staying. My sister also let her son stay with us too. We had a good time and got some souvenirs and treats for my niece. When we got back and dropped off my nephew. My sister looked exhausted and said her daughter had been crying the whole day because she had to leave early. My mum has since said that I ruined my nieces birthday by making her feel left out.

Daft idea to take a poorly child to a theme park of all places. Even a long car journey is enough to make a lot of kids unwell. Then add the rides, the excitement, the exertion.

Yanbu, it was an impossible situation.

I think everyone else should be thanking you for making sure that not everyone’s day was ruined, especially your nephew’s.

It wasn't the niece's birthday that day - I think that does make a difference.

If niece was ill then it's likely she wouldn't have been up for having people round that day, or for playing with her sibling and cousin.

OP offered to look after her nephew, the child's brother. He will have already been missing out on lots (nobody's fault, but we shouldn't pretend it won't be happening) and the whole illness will be taking its toll in him too.

What would your sister have suggested if you'd not said you were definitely staying, op?

It was a shit situation, but your niece was upset because she missed out on the fun day, not because others didn't miss out.

I'm sure your nephew has had to give up many other things because of his sister's illness, and it was good that you were able to ensure he had some time to be a child. If I were the mum I'd be only too happy that there was someone there who could make sure my son didn't miss out unnecessarily!

Hopefully your niece will be able to go back on another day.

@abraxan I'm not sure what you mean

I was ready to hit 'UABU' because I'm trigger happy and I always lead that way 😂But I think you did the most sensible thing by your family and the kindest thing for your nephew. Whilst he isnt sick, I imagine he's having a really rough old time, for lots of reasons. I bet he had a great day. Good for you. x

It's a tough one. I think on balance, if it had just been an ordinary day out, YWNBU to stay, with your nephew, and make a day of it.

Because it your niece's Birthday treat, I think I would have considered it kinder to call it a day and plan to visit again, altogether - it was her day, so to speak, and it seems harsh that she was the only one to miss out.

Poor little girl - I hope she's well soon.

It's a shit situation all round, and I'm not sure it was the best idea in the first place. Too much pressure on your DNeice to be well when she likely wouldn't be

I think it depends on your DNeice. With some children they'd probably rather everyone else stay because they don't want to be responsible for ruining others day. For others they would be upset that they were missing out, it's her birthday so I think her and your sister should have had the deciding say

It also depends if she was sick needs to go to bed, or well enough for say a film and cake with her cousins.

I think realistically your Dneice is crying because she has cancer, and she is missing out on her childhood. And whatever you do or don't do this is going to be the case, it's not as simple as everyone goes home or everyone stays to make her feel better.

Not unreasonable at all.

Yes, its shitty for the kid who has to go home because they're unwell, that is the nature of such illnesses unfortunately.

Everyone else going home too at the same time would not have made her feel any better, she's still missing out. Some kids would have felt even WORSE at knowing it had ruined everyone elses day too!

However everyone else going home and missing out means you easily start to breed resentment towards her, in the other kids, particularly her brother who is almost certainly playing a clear second fiddle to his ill sister anyway and well aware of it.

She's also already had her birthday party, and I am sure her parents can do something to make it up to her over missing this, but I don't see any better solution.

If an adult thinks that other children should miss out to make it 'fair' that a poorly child misses out... they want a slap upsides the head quite honestly.

I have a close family member who was the younger sibling of the one who had cancer. It has had an ongoing effect all her life. I am all for trying to keep things as normal as possible for the other kids so don't think YABU. It's a shitty situation but doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer more than is necessary.

It's not what I'd have done. I would have found a comprise of they leave, you get the other children on a couple of the best rides and follow and hour or so later back to birthday girls house for a fun movie or games and cake. It's her birthday, it should have been about prioritising her whilst minimising upset for the other children.

Having to go home and so basically do nothing for her birthday AND feeling sick must have been so sad for her.

That is a very tricky one... But you can always have another day when she's better. Even if you'd all left, the kids would have been miserable and the girl too poorly to enjoy company anyway.

Sounds like a super unfortunate situation all around.

Oh!
just wanted to add (perhaps your sibling knows this already but just in case…)

When your niece is ready to try another theme park day out, her MacMillan nurse can supply a letter that will let her (and her family) skip the queues and enter rides directly (usually via the exit route).
Obvs different parks will have different T&Cs but it’s stuff like this that makes a day out manageable for a kid on active treatment.

A fold up wheelchair can help a lot too (if only to ensure there is always a seat readily available, and your DN walks most of the day).

This

Ideally, given it was your nieces birthday, she's unwell and undoubtedly misses out on a lot, assuming you live close enough that you could revisit another time, I think you should have gone and spoken to the staff explained the situation and seen if you could exchange the tickets for another day for you all. That way no one would have missed out all the children would just have had the treat delayed.

If you live too far to visit another time, or the park had said no you'd couldn't exchange the tickets, you'd not have been unreasonable to stay.

Think your parents are wrong for arranging a day at an amusement park a long drive away, in winter, for an already poorly child. They created this situation that was doomed to fail

I don't think children should miss out because another child is ill, ordinarily. However, I do think that a 9 year old dealing with cancer, and the fact that it's her Birthday treat makes a difference.

As pp said upthread, I would have gone along with what your sister felt was right.

Are you planning to reschedule the trip?

I feel sick reading your post, OP.

This was supposed to be a treat for your niece, who has cancer. You don't say what the prognosis is, but I imagine she's aware of her own mortality.

She was too ill to continue with her birthday celebrations. Her birthday. The one day that for a child is all about them. So you ALL went on without her. I mean, I understand what you were trying to do, with making sure that the other children didn't mess out, but you sent a message to a young girl with cancer that it doesn't matter if she dies, everyone will have a jolly good time without her. Even on her day.

Honestly, my heart aches for the little lass.

There were no good options, but the least shit option was everyone leaving. Did anyone consider talking to the venue staff to see if they could help with an exchange in the exceptional circumstances?

Yes this!

I know it doesn’t address it properly but surely it wasn’t surprising that this situation happened? Something less tacking like the theatre or cinema would have been wiser.

It would have been better to discuss the possibility of this before you all went. Or at least had a chat and found a solution away from the children so they didn't get so upset.

If this is a Merlin theme park (others probably will do the same) then write to them with the details of what happened and they will give your niece tickets for another visit which hopefully you can all enjoy together.

As for the people asking why they took a child with cancer to a theme park. Children can have cancer treatment for years and years, parents are absolutely entitled to try and give them some version of normality alongside the utter shit and trauma they go through daily.

I think everyone should've left. Maybe have seen if you could swap the tickets to a different day. It was her birthday and she has cancer.

Of course you did the right thing.

Your nephew has no doubt given up many things (time and attention, his own events) no doubt because all hands on deck were required for his sister, and will continue to do so going forward for some time. There was zero reason for him or your family to have to leave early today since there his parents were both available to take his ill sister home.

Her 'upset' at being unwell and missing out shouldn't mean he always has to miss out, too. That's grossly unfair.

I think everyone should have left too. It was a trip for your nieces birthday, not random family day out. I can't imagine how upset she must have felt knowing that everyone else was carrying on with her birthday party without her. You should have spoken to staff about transferring the tickets to another day and gone to her home and had a duvet / film / pizza day instead. If she wasn't well enough for the second option, then rearrange the birthday for another day entirely. I think carrying on with the day without her is very, very mean to be honest - regardless of her having cancer or not.