Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for not leaving amusement park early when my niece had to because she was sick?

226 replies

mestomlin · 02/12/2022 17:12

My niece has cancer and my parents wanted to make her birthday decided to pay for the entire family to go to an amusement park. So the people who went were my niece, her brother, their mum (my sister), our mum and dad, my husband, my son, and I.

Not long after we get to the park my niece starts to not feel well. She ends up getting sick. After a while of resting she doesn’t feel better and we notice she has a fever. My sister decided that they needed to take her home. Since we drove separately my husband, our kids, and I were going to stay.

At that point my nephew starts to get upset that he’s going to be leaving with them. My parents start to scold him for yelling, but being that I know he often has to give up things because of his sister being sick I felt bad for him. So, I offer watch him for the rest of the day and say we can drive him home.

My mum pulled me aside and said we should all leave early so we don’t make my niece feel bad about being the only kid that had to go home early. After the long drive to get there I didn’t think it was fair to expect the other kids to leave after not even having gone on a ride. By that point they had spent hours in the car driving there and sitting on benches resting. My mum said that since she and my dad paid for the tickets it should be up to them whether we stay or go home early.

In the end I stood firm that me, my husband, and son were staying. My sister also let her son stay with us too. We had a good time and got some souvenirs and treats for my niece. When we got back and dropped off my nephew. My sister looked exhausted and said her daughter had been crying the whole day because she had to leave early. My mum has since said that I ruined my nieces birthday by making her feel left out.

OP posts:
CarPoor · 02/12/2022 21:57

Toddlerteaplease · 02/12/2022 21:55

I disagree that she should have been put first. Due to her diagnosis she will have always been put first. Her brother will have really suffered by having to come second. It can't be helped. And is not any ones fault. It is what it is.

It is his birthday though, if there's ever a day to be put first

ArrrMeHearties · 02/12/2022 22:00

Yes I do see your dms pov but I think you made the right decision

RobertaFirmino · 02/12/2022 22:02

DM was unreasonable for suggesting a theme park in the first place, especially one that takes 'hours in the car' to get there. Unreasonable for having a pop at DNeph for being upset and unreasonable for trying to get your lot to go home too and blaming you for 'spoiling her birthday'.

You were very reasonable (and very kind) by offering to stay with DNeph and understanding how he must be feeling.

Cancer is very, very unreasonable.

momtoboys · 02/12/2022 22:12

I'm sorry you were all put in that position. There was no good answer. You handled it the way you felt you should and that is fine.

amicissimma · 02/12/2022 22:17

You seem to have three options:

  1. You all go to your various homes. Party over before it starts. Niece probably unhappy and feeling unwell. Nephew misses out and probably expected not to 'mind' because his sister is sick. Your DC also disappointed. Hope to organise something later.
  2. You all go round to Dsis and continue to party there so no one misses out. Tough if poor niece just wants to sit or lie down quietly and rest.
  3. Niece goes home. You and the other children stay on. Hope to organise something later including niece. Niece is sad but wouldn't enjoy her treat day feeling poorly anyway.

A sad situation but 3 seems the least worse option.

sairbair · 02/12/2022 22:18

There is is just under 2 years between my boys and when my youngest had chemo it was heartbreaking to see the eldest miss out. He never moaned and spent all time with his brother. It would have meant so much for someone to have done this.

MissAmbrosia · 02/12/2022 22:22

sairbair · 02/12/2022 22:18

There is is just under 2 years between my boys and when my youngest had chemo it was heartbreaking to see the eldest miss out. He never moaned and spent all time with his brother. It would have meant so much for someone to have done this.

Quite. It's easy to look at this with adult eyes as to what's fair or not fair. But siblings in this situation can miss out on a lot too. It's not their fault and they probably feel guilty if they demand attention. It was great that they got their day out which they were probably looking forward to immensely. How is it fair that they have to go home? These are CHILDREN we are talking about.

MissAmbrosia · 02/12/2022 22:24

Of course it's not fair for the child with cancer either, but it's a shit situation all round and I think OP did her best.

kateandme · 02/12/2022 22:35

" this is what's it's going to be like when I'm gone isn't it.everyone just carries on as if I was never here." Said by similar member in same circumstances( different venue) I no you weren't trying to hurt but this was her day and believe me it has impact.

Remaker · 02/12/2022 22:47

I think you did the right thing. Children whose siblings have cancer miss out on so much time and attention. It wasn’t unreasonable of your nephew to be upset and your mum shouldn’t have been cross with him. Your DM needs to stop being angry at everyone else and recognise that she’s angry because her GC has cancer, which is perfectly understandable. But controlling everyone else’s behaviour and emotions isn’t going to change the situation.

Your niece was upset because she missed out on an experience. I don’t think making her brother miss out in solidarity would have made her feel much better. You’ve given one child some happiness who has also been doing it tough lately. Hopefully your niece can go again another time.

Soproudoflionesses · 02/12/2022 22:53

My sister was very ill as a child (and adultnactually) and she got all the attention all the time. I was left to just get on with it. It is very hard to be a sibling of an ill child and l would have loved an auntie like you op. Maybe you can take your niece out for a special treat when she is feeling better.

Sunnydaysahead2 · 02/12/2022 22:54

So sorry, as others have said it is difficult all round. Can the amusement park re-issue the tickets for your niece and her parents? Can you sort out a special treat/special day for your niece when she is feeling better - maybe somewhere closer to home, so it is easier on her?

Soproudoflionesses · 02/12/2022 22:56

sairbair · 02/12/2022 22:18

There is is just under 2 years between my boys and when my youngest had chemo it was heartbreaking to see the eldest miss out. He never moaned and spent all time with his brother. It would have meant so much for someone to have done this.

I hope the one who had chemo is OK now?

StopMakingAppointments · 02/12/2022 23:07

I think you should have all left together and told DN you'd do something else to celebrate her birthday another day. I certainly wouldn't have stayed with the other kids and celebrated her birthday without her under the circumstances. Hurtful and insensitive.

sairbair · 02/12/2022 23:10

Soproudoflionesses · 02/12/2022 22:56

I hope the one who had chemo is OK now?

Yes thank you. Lots of damage done physically and mentally but he is in full remission now and has been for some time. My eldest did become bitter for a couple of years but they are back to getting in trouble together again and he is the protective big brother. Thank you for asking. OP you a lovely auntie and i hope your niece is back on her feet soon.

GlitteryGreen · 02/12/2022 23:10

I think you did the right thing. Your niece would likely still have been as upset had everyone left with her as she was still missing her day out.

If it had been between staying or all leaving together to go back to niece's house for a smaller celebration after she'd had a sleep or something then maybe that would he different, but that doesn't seem like it was the case.

Dontaskdontget · 02/12/2022 23:19

You did the right thing, your mum is not dealing with this well.

You didn’t ruin your niece’s birthday. Cancer, and naive planning from your mum, ruined your niece’s birthday.

It would not have helped matters to make other children miserable for no reason, and I’m sure your niece would not have wanted that either.

LetsPlayShadowlands · 03/12/2022 00:04

Bloody hell. 9 years old and dealing with the worst that life can throw at anyone. Poor girl having her childhood stolen from her, and missing out on things such as this.

That said, the other kids being upset won't have made your niece feel any better. It's terrible and unfortunate but I believe you did the right thing.

I wish all the best for your niece, and that she's able to enjoy days out like this again soon. Merry Christmas to your family x

ElephantInTheKitchen · 03/12/2022 00:08

Keeping your nephew with you could have been better for your niece as well - undivided attention from mum, and not having to hear any grumbling from her brother about missing out on the theme park.

PickyEaters · 03/12/2022 00:10

Incidentally @mestomlin have the parents applied for a Make A Wish for your niece? They will pay for some amzing trips... to Disneyland and such.

Mamai90 · 03/12/2022 00:10

Personally I think your niece having cancer changes things. I would have left with all the kids.

The day was paid by for hour parents to make it extra special for your neice and she was left crying all day. It would be a shit situation for all the other kids but your niece is battling cancer so that puts a different perspective on things.

kierenthecommunity · 03/12/2022 00:14

OP are you sure you want this thread left up? Just thinking it seems like exactly the sort of thing the DM/MSN news or whichever site 'journos' trawl for clickbait would jump on, and if your family are already unhappy about what happened doubt they will be impressed if they see it splashed all over the news - it's a very identifiable situation

I was thinking this too.

OP for that reason I reported the post where you refer to your DN’s actual birthday date, as it was detailed enough to be identifying. No malice intended 😊

Blisterinthe · 03/12/2022 00:24

To the poster who said this will show her life goes on when the niece dies… you are sick!

In the end it’s a tricky situation and obviously not something anyone can fully judge.

But people with cancer do get sick a lot, and if everyone always has to drop whatever they are doing when the individual gets sick then it will build resentment.

Grassisbluer · 03/12/2022 00:42

LateAF · 02/12/2022 17:35

On a birthday of all days, it’s about whichever decision makes the birthday girl happiest. Your utilitarian approach of deciding based on the happiness of majority was not appropriate in those circumstances.

If you had all gone home with her, she would have had some company, and still felt like it was a celebration despite her illness. Yes, your nephew shouldn’t miss out on life in general because of his sister’s illness, but the time to put that into practice is not his sister’s birthday party. This was a real opportunity to teach your children solidarity and compassion.

I’m shocked at the votes to be honest.

Absolutely this.
I'm vsry shocked by the voting here too.

Vegay · 03/12/2022 01:08

I'm sorry your family are going through this. I don't think you were unreasonable at all, in fact, I think you made good decisions. Firstly, your poor niece probably needs a lot of attention, and that may result in your nephew having a little less. Your sister agreed he could stay, and I'm sure he will have had a great day.

Your niece might not even be bothered it was her birthday but she had to go. I've never been as sick as her, but when I am sick, I don't really care what others are doing. It sounds like your mum was a bit too harsh on you. I'm putting zero blame on your mum btw, I can't even imagine how she feels.

A belated, more close to home, party might cheer your niece up. I think i'd be organising something for my niece if I was in your situation.

Swipe left for the next trending thread