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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for not leaving amusement park early when my niece had to because she was sick?

226 replies

mestomlin · 02/12/2022 17:12

My niece has cancer and my parents wanted to make her birthday decided to pay for the entire family to go to an amusement park. So the people who went were my niece, her brother, their mum (my sister), our mum and dad, my husband, my son, and I.

Not long after we get to the park my niece starts to not feel well. She ends up getting sick. After a while of resting she doesn’t feel better and we notice she has a fever. My sister decided that they needed to take her home. Since we drove separately my husband, our kids, and I were going to stay.

At that point my nephew starts to get upset that he’s going to be leaving with them. My parents start to scold him for yelling, but being that I know he often has to give up things because of his sister being sick I felt bad for him. So, I offer watch him for the rest of the day and say we can drive him home.

My mum pulled me aside and said we should all leave early so we don’t make my niece feel bad about being the only kid that had to go home early. After the long drive to get there I didn’t think it was fair to expect the other kids to leave after not even having gone on a ride. By that point they had spent hours in the car driving there and sitting on benches resting. My mum said that since she and my dad paid for the tickets it should be up to them whether we stay or go home early.

In the end I stood firm that me, my husband, and son were staying. My sister also let her son stay with us too. We had a good time and got some souvenirs and treats for my niece. When we got back and dropped off my nephew. My sister looked exhausted and said her daughter had been crying the whole day because she had to leave early. My mum has since said that I ruined my nieces birthday by making her feel left out.

OP posts:
ElephantInTheKitchen · 02/12/2022 19:37

As for the parents who took her to a theme park - she's still a child, and she's entitled to as much normality as can be mustered.

I was unwell when young - not cancer - and I remember not being allowed to go on the end of year school trip to the theme park because of it. Instead I still had to go to school and was made to do "fun" activities like extra food tech, which I hated. It took me a long time to forgive my parents for that one I'm not sure I ever have. The least they could have done would have been to let me have the day off school altogether! It never, however, crossed my mind that others shouldn't go because I couldn't.

Probably best to tell the nephew not to tell the niece what a wonderful time he had though. Easy enough for a child of that age to come home excited, want to share his news, and inadvertently rub salt in the wound. Hearing all my friends talk about what fun they'd had without me was a bit rough.

blankittyblank · 02/12/2022 19:37

somuchshoppingsolittletime · 02/12/2022 19:22

I feel sick reading your post, OP.

This was supposed to be a treat for your niece, who has cancer. You don't say what the prognosis is, but I imagine she's aware of her own mortality.

She was too ill to continue with her birthday celebrations. Her birthday. The one day that for a child is all about them. So you ALL went on without her. I mean, I understand what you were trying to do, with making sure that the other children didn't mess out, but you sent a message to a young girl with cancer that it doesn't matter if she dies, everyone will have a jolly good time without her. Even on her day.

Honestly, my heart aches for the little lass.

There were no good options, but the least shit option was everyone leaving. Did anyone consider talking to the venue staff to see if they could help with an exchange in the exceptional circumstances?

Blimey, that's a stretch!! No one will mind if she dies? I assume you don't have a child with cancer if that's the sort of thing you think might go through anyones head when making a decision like this.

user1471457751 · 02/12/2022 19:40

somuchshoppingsolittletime · 02/12/2022 19:22

I feel sick reading your post, OP.

This was supposed to be a treat for your niece, who has cancer. You don't say what the prognosis is, but I imagine she's aware of her own mortality.

She was too ill to continue with her birthday celebrations. Her birthday. The one day that for a child is all about them. So you ALL went on without her. I mean, I understand what you were trying to do, with making sure that the other children didn't mess out, but you sent a message to a young girl with cancer that it doesn't matter if she dies, everyone will have a jolly good time without her. Even on her day.

Honestly, my heart aches for the little lass.

There were no good options, but the least shit option was everyone leaving. Did anyone consider talking to the venue staff to see if they could help with an exchange in the exceptional circumstances?

Are you always such a dramatic bitch? Of course it doesn't tell the neice that everyone will be fine if she dies.

Abraxan · 02/12/2022 19:42

mestomlin · 02/12/2022 19:08

@abraxan I'm not sure what you mean

If you'd not said you were going to stay ... when your niece was poorly and needed to go home, what did your sister want everyone else to do, ideally?

Did she want everyone to leave and go home?
Did she want everyone to leave and go back to their house?
Did she want people to stay at the theme park and they go home?

Honeyroar · 02/12/2022 19:47

It’s a really difficult one. Perhaps you should’ve left, or just stayed for another hour and caught them up. It was always going to be a challenge for the poorly girl if there was a drive. It was a lovely idea of your mum’s, but perhaps not so well thought out.

Could you surprise her with a make up for it trip to something local? Even bowling or something festive?

pinheadlarry · 02/12/2022 19:48

Yanbu, i think your niece might have felt even worse to see her cousins and brother miserable, she'd feel guilty
And you wouldnt have been able to celebrate at hers because she was sick

Lots of you cant read, it wasnt the neices actual birthday
Hope you can all go back when shes feeling well enough xxx

Genevieva · 02/12/2022 19:51

I think you did the right thing. It sounds like your sister agreed with you. Grandma needs to wait for the parents to decide what is best and go with it. If the outing is so important then arrange something similar when niece is well enough. Maybe something equally enjoyable but closer to home so that the trip isn't so exhausting. I hope your niece has a good prognosis. It must be terribly taxing on the whole family to see her suffering.

musingsinmidlife · 02/12/2022 19:51

It sounds like your mom had paid for the tickets thinking the family wanted to celebrate niece and her birthday and was disappointed when she realized that you just wanted a fun paid for day for your own kids and that for you it wasn't about your niece at all. There are 364 days in the year when you could do fun things with nephew - rather than needing to choose the one day of the year that is the niece's birthday to decide he should have a fun day. Sister was in a very hard position since you and your family were refusing to leave and she needed to take niece home. You all should have left, gotten a refund, done something that niece could tolerate and kept the focus on her on her birthday. I don't know how old she is but reality is that life teaches hard lessons about family and what they actually prioritize and care about. It is unfortunate she had to learn this on her birthday while sick with cancer but now she knows and sister and mom do too.

mestomlin · 02/12/2022 19:51

@Abraxan I don't know. My sister just talked about taking her daughter home. my mum was the one who said we should all go home.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/12/2022 19:57

I wouldn't have taken my kids home after driving for hour's to theme park. Great way to make the kids start to have resentment towards dn.

Mamaneedsadrink · 02/12/2022 20:01

niugboo · 02/12/2022 18:43

Let’s break it down.

niece has cancer.
it was for her birthday.
she got ill.
she sat in the car for an hour.
she missed the theme park.

your kid does not have cancer
wasnt his birthday
was not ill
did sit in the car
didn’t miss out on theme park

Frankly unless your sister suggested you should have all left. Spoken to guess services on exit and asked for return tickets.

This

TolkiensFallow · 02/12/2022 20:07

I think you were reasonable to stay and did the decent thing having your nephew for the day.

LCopp89 · 02/12/2022 20:12

Everyone has missed OP's message that her DN's birthday was actually the week before and she'd already had a party on that day. Yes, this was a birthday treat, but not "her day" still.

Really sad she had to go home, but I think you did the right think for your nephew.

5128gap · 02/12/2022 20:23

You should have left without being asked, but certainly on your mother's request as your host for the day.
You mother didn't pay for this as a generic treat for all her grandchildren, but with the express purpose of celebrating your niece's birthday. When that particular celebration proved impossible you should have left and done something your neice could cope with, or nothing at all if she couldn't. You certainly don't abandon the birthday child to get value from a free day out.
You could take your DC another time.

Guitarbar · 02/12/2022 20:24

Toddlerteaplease · 02/12/2022 17:25

Since the nephew has probably really missed out on a lot, and not has much attention due to his sisters illness. It's only fair he got a nice day out.

I agree with this although I'm sure it will be unpopular with some, it was a lose lose situation though really. Could you arrange a birthday celebration when she's feeling up to it?

Guitarbar · 02/12/2022 20:28

somuchshoppingsolittletime · 02/12/2022 19:22

I feel sick reading your post, OP.

This was supposed to be a treat for your niece, who has cancer. You don't say what the prognosis is, but I imagine she's aware of her own mortality.

She was too ill to continue with her birthday celebrations. Her birthday. The one day that for a child is all about them. So you ALL went on without her. I mean, I understand what you were trying to do, with making sure that the other children didn't mess out, but you sent a message to a young girl with cancer that it doesn't matter if she dies, everyone will have a jolly good time without her. Even on her day.

Honestly, my heart aches for the little lass.

There were no good options, but the least shit option was everyone leaving. Did anyone consider talking to the venue staff to see if they could help with an exchange in the exceptional circumstances?

What a ridiculous and horrible thing to say, ew.

Bananarama21 · 02/12/2022 20:33

I think you were massively unreasonable you could have all gone back to her home got a cake and make a day out of instead of her going home to cry that poor girl. I'm with your dm on this. You thought solely of yourselves in this sitation. I hope niece gets a seperate birthday treat.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 02/12/2022 20:33

I personally would have left merely on the grounds that the trip was for HER birthday but I don’t necessarily think that what you did was wrong either if that makes sense. It was a really tough call. What a terrible situation. I’m so sorry your niece and your family is going through that. 😞

Lisad1231981 · 02/12/2022 20:36

I think you did the right thing. She was going to be upset no matter what, but would the other kids being upset make things any better?

Colcat · 02/12/2022 20:37

somuchshoppingsolittletime · 02/12/2022 19:22

I feel sick reading your post, OP.

This was supposed to be a treat for your niece, who has cancer. You don't say what the prognosis is, but I imagine she's aware of her own mortality.

She was too ill to continue with her birthday celebrations. Her birthday. The one day that for a child is all about them. So you ALL went on without her. I mean, I understand what you were trying to do, with making sure that the other children didn't mess out, but you sent a message to a young girl with cancer that it doesn't matter if she dies, everyone will have a jolly good time without her. Even on her day.

Honestly, my heart aches for the little lass.

There were no good options, but the least shit option was everyone leaving. Did anyone consider talking to the venue staff to see if they could help with an exchange in the exceptional circumstances?

I agree with this. I can't believe you stayed.

ChillysWaterBottle · 02/12/2022 20:38

I see where you're coming from but I think YABU. Your poor niece, your poor sister. I actually think it was a really really horrible thing to do.

Suemademedoit · 02/12/2022 20:39

Having thought about it, I would have gone home to hour sister’s house with her and DD. It was a birthday treat/party/outing. Birthday girl had cancer. What a miserable day for her, many adults would have struggled with it.

That said, ultimately it was her mum’s call. She has her other child to think about too. And she did.

Frankly the only person 100% out of order was your mum in saying that her buying the tickets = ownership of you all at the park. Bang out of order. I’d have walked out on principle at that point.

Newmum0322 · 02/12/2022 20:41

I don’t think YABU, it was a lose lose. Could you offer to take your niece out for the day when she’s feeling better, you and her? I’m not sure how close you are but this may make her feel a little better. It wasn’t wrong what you did at all, but she would have felt terribly left out poor little thing ❤️ Xxx

somuchshoppingsolittletime · 02/12/2022 20:46

Guitarbar · 02/12/2022 20:28

What a ridiculous and horrible thing to say, ew.

I've lost so many loved ones to cancer. You make the most of your time with them and you make sure they know they matter to you.

Of course I'm trying to get on with my life, but it's not supposed to be easy. I would have hated it if any of them thought it would be easy to go on without them. I can't believe any of this little girl's family thought it was OK to carry on with what was effectively her birthday party without her.

PiggyInTheLidl · 02/12/2022 20:47

OP, there is not one word in your OP that expresses sympathy for your niece or empathy for your sister.

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