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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for not leaving amusement park early when my niece had to because she was sick?

226 replies

mestomlin · 02/12/2022 17:12

My niece has cancer and my parents wanted to make her birthday decided to pay for the entire family to go to an amusement park. So the people who went were my niece, her brother, their mum (my sister), our mum and dad, my husband, my son, and I.

Not long after we get to the park my niece starts to not feel well. She ends up getting sick. After a while of resting she doesn’t feel better and we notice she has a fever. My sister decided that they needed to take her home. Since we drove separately my husband, our kids, and I were going to stay.

At that point my nephew starts to get upset that he’s going to be leaving with them. My parents start to scold him for yelling, but being that I know he often has to give up things because of his sister being sick I felt bad for him. So, I offer watch him for the rest of the day and say we can drive him home.

My mum pulled me aside and said we should all leave early so we don’t make my niece feel bad about being the only kid that had to go home early. After the long drive to get there I didn’t think it was fair to expect the other kids to leave after not even having gone on a ride. By that point they had spent hours in the car driving there and sitting on benches resting. My mum said that since she and my dad paid for the tickets it should be up to them whether we stay or go home early.

In the end I stood firm that me, my husband, and son were staying. My sister also let her son stay with us too. We had a good time and got some souvenirs and treats for my niece. When we got back and dropped off my nephew. My sister looked exhausted and said her daughter had been crying the whole day because she had to leave early. My mum has since said that I ruined my nieces birthday by making her feel left out.

OP posts:
Benjaminsniddlegrass · 02/12/2022 18:05

My DSS had childhood cancer (ALL) and has two older siblings. In similar circumstances we would have been very pleased if the older two siblings could have been supported to stay and have a fun day. As others say, of course it's incredibly tough for the child with cancer but the brothers and sisters miss many, many opportunities and life can become all about cancer and hospital and medication etc and they lose out on chances to just be kids.
In those circumstances I would reassure the child and do my best to have lovely child and parent time at home. I imagine though for your DM at the moment your DN distress is really hard to tolerate hence her lashing out.

I also agree it was a bit of a daft idea in the first place there's a high likelihood she would struggle with managing that level of activity all day and something like a cinema or panto trip or similar would have probably been much safer bet.

clutterbugger · 02/12/2022 18:07

I'm very sorry for your niece, I can't imagine there was a right thing to do in this situation. Poor kids. I wouldn't hold it against your mum though, I can imagine it's terribly stressful and emotive with it being for her birthday from her so that's probably from guilt she's feeling knowing she didn't get to enjoy it like she'd intended.

Be kind to yourself and your family.

Hugasauras · 02/12/2022 18:07

I think you did the right thing. Your niece would most likely have been upset either way - she missed out on something she'd been looking forward to and she's sick to boot, so she was always going to be sad about it. It was nice for your nephew to have the opportunity to stay as siblings of sick children often have to sacrifice a lot (and I'm sure he does so lovingly and graciously, but he's a child too).

musingsinmidlife · 02/12/2022 18:08

I think had it not been her birthday, your choice would have been appropriate. Considering this was meant to be for her birthday, it seems pretty callous to ensure everyone has a good time except the birthday girl. I don't know how sick she was but if she was well enough for her birthday celebration to continue in the comfort of her own home, then you should have left.

Hugasauras · 02/12/2022 18:09

I also am not sure I'd want to continue a birthday celebration at home with a child who is vomiting with a fever in case it's a stomach bug!

tiredfedupyawn · 02/12/2022 18:11

I think you did the right thing

Your niece would have missed out and been upset either way, poor little thing

But must be really tough on her brother as well. Not a great situation all round, but made sense for the children who felt well to spend some time there given it had all been paid for.

Mariposista · 02/12/2022 18:12

Well done you for thinking about your nephew who is probably shoved into the background and expected to suck it up due to his sister’s heartbreaking situation.

Puffykins · 02/12/2022 18:13

I've been in this situation but it was my DS who had cancer. You totally did the right thing staying, especially keeping your DN with you. Cancer can be a long slog (for DS it was four years) - not everyone can put their lives on hold for the duration.

plinkypots · 02/12/2022 18:15

There's no way I would have stayed. You weren't there on a random jolly. You went to celebrate her birthday. The poor child will now know she's missed out on her own celebrations while everyone carried on without her. It was a very cold move.

I think I'd have spoken to the ticket office and asked if they could help reissue the tickets for a different day. They often can be very helpful with very sad cases like this. The

Ponderingwindow · 02/12/2022 18:15

I’m trying to picture this scenario and it just seems handled poorly from the start. Niece isn’t feeling well and needs to rest. Instead of one or two family members sitting with her while she has a rest and a nice beverage, maybe something indulgent from one of the stands, everyone crowds around her expectantly wondering when she will get up so they can go enjoy the park.

Why set her up to feel worse than she needs to feel? Let her rest while you take the other kids on a ride, check back in and see how she is doing and make a plan from there.

1983Louise · 02/12/2022 18:16

What a horrible situation for you all, I would have stayed though especially to give your nephew a treat. It must be very hard for him, perhaps you could do something special with your niece at a later date. Best wishes to your family xx

Singleandproud · 02/12/2022 18:19

I think with the long journey niece was probably always going to struggle. Next time they try a big day out book a Premier Inn nearby to break the journey up and so she can go back to rest.

I think you did the right thing but with emotions running high not everyone was ever going to agree.

Forfrigz · 02/12/2022 18:20

I'd have stayed otherwise it's a total waste of a trip/your sister's money. And it was the best idea to keep your nephew there I think too. It's a shame for the little niece but I would have stressed that we'd do something extra special once she's feeling better.

SavingKitten · 02/12/2022 18:22

I can see why your sister was upset, she would have felt a lot of pressure to make this birthday special and having it go wrong and having to deal with her DD being upset must have been absolutely rubbish, she’s in the middle of every parents nightmare right now.

But I don’t think you did anything wrong either, it was a loose loose situation all round. The only thing that anyone could have possibly done differently would have been to go speak to the ticket office, explain and ask if the tickets could be reissued for another day, and then all go home and agree to come back a different day. It would have been disappointing for your kids but these things happen (just as if there had been horrible rain when theme parks often reissue tickets), however in the moment you just tried to make the best of the day. None of you are BU

latetothefisting · 02/12/2022 18:22

I think you did the right thing. Surprised at your mother for wanting you all to go - it must have cost a fortune to buy 7 tickets, makes sense for as few of them to go to waste as possible. If it's such a big deal for your mum who paid I might have offered to pay her back for your family's tickets.

Surely you made it easier on your dsis rather than harder? If you'd all gone home it's likely dneice would have still been upset but she would have also had a grumpy ad resentful Dnephew to deal with as well. At least she had time to focus solely on dneice, and if she felt a little bit better could have re-framed it as a chance to have special time just her and mum (or with grandparents).

Although usually I wouldn't advocate it, I might have been tempted to do a bit of a white lie and just tell dneice you'd be leaving soon too, just going on 1 ride/popping to the toilet/grabbing something to eat first etc. She wouldn't have known exactly when you left if you were in different cars. Possibly offered to have dnephew for a sleepover at yours, if it would have avoided her feeling upset she was the only one that missed out.

neverbeenskiing · 02/12/2022 18:23

You didn't ruin your niece's birthday, cancer did. Since her own DM approved of your idea to let her brother stay and have a nice time, she obviously doesn't blame you either. If you'd all gone straight home your niece would still have a rubbish birthday as she was vomiting and had a fever! There is nothing you or anyone could do to change that.

Your DM was probably embarrassed because she realised that the theme park idea was, with hindsight, a bad one and wanted someone else to blame.

Zanatdy · 02/12/2022 18:25

I think you did the right thing, your niece would be upset she missed out regardless. I agree about her son missing out a lot as his sister has cancer (my best friend was that child when her brother sadly died from Leukemia in his teenage years). It’s tough for all the family. I don’t think your parents were right to dictate who stays just because they paid. Hopefully you can all have another day out soon

Daleksatemyshed · 02/12/2022 18:25

I know your DM meant well but a big day out like that was probably too much for your DN to manage, it would have been better to find something closer to home. I hope you can all go and do a smaller, more manageable celebration when she's feeling better.

latetothefisting · 02/12/2022 18:26

I would imagine if you'd asked the theme park they might have offered to reissue tickets etc. for one child plus parent given the very sad reason....I think it's very unlikely they would have refunded/reoffered 7 tickets tbh.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 02/12/2022 18:27

Sorry OP it was a shit situation but I would have left. Your niece has cancer ffs! It’s not like it was just a bug.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2022 18:28

God there was no right or wrong answer here. How awful all around.

On balance I think you were right to stay more for your nephew than your own kids. He must miss so much because- understandably- everything revolves around his sister.

Runnerduck34 · 02/12/2022 18:28

What a horrible situation. I do understand why you stayed but it may have come across as insensitive.
If it was a minor illness I would definitely have stayed. But cancer, a potentially life limiting illness, that would have given me pause for thought , i would have gone with what dsis wanted and would have seen if a gentler birthday celebration would have been still possible and tried that.
Because however disappointing it would have been for the other DC it's nowhere near as upsetting for them as DN who has cancer and spent her birthday crying.
I would definitely try and make another birthday celebration for DN.
I hope she makes a full recovery. Your dsis must be beside herself with worry and exhaustion. It's such a terrible situation

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/12/2022 18:29

So your sister would have preferred having both kids upset and stuck at home?

You did the right thing.

Floralnomad · 02/12/2022 18:30

You absolutely made the right decision especially in regards to your nephew . As others have said it was a lose lose situation but your mum is totally out of order .

musingsinmidlife · 02/12/2022 18:35

I think it is great to spend extra time with the nephew but not on niece's birthday and in lieu of celebrating with her.

For her to be at home alone, opening gifts alone, just mom to sing Happy Birthday and then having brother come home all excited about the amazing day he had - she already has cancer, being abandoned on her birthday had to feel extra crappy.

If a woman posted that she had cancer and was out for her birthday and got sick and her DH was like - well go home but I am not giving up a fun night out just because you are sick and he went and had a blast with others and then came home excited about the great time he had - and the OP felt hurt that he had chosen fun over supporting her on her birthday - I doubt the replies would be that he was in the right and yeah cancer sucks but she can't expect anyone to change their plans for her.