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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

306 replies

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:17

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/12/2022 18:36

I agree with @WhatsitWiggle. Don't be bullied into paying something you can't afford.

Do the organisers know that your DH has been made redundant?

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 18:40

I have no idea why cancelling the day before is such a bad thing!

Mynameiselvispresley · 02/12/2022 18:41

Oh and I’d assume they lose nothing from the deposit. Isn’t the £50 less £70pp and alcohol. Unless everybody is teetotal and there are no other friends attending…

Redrosesandsunsets · 02/12/2022 18:43

Shitty or not if you have to you have to. I had to cancel my hair appt the other day and Christmas will be tiny this year. It’s like a normal month to be honest but living pay check to pay check so how can you expect to pay for extra for Christmas. I’m unwilling to go into debt I guess. Some do. I won’t.

Milesty1 · 02/12/2022 18:44

I would not pay the deposit. They should have confirmed with everyone before committing! And checked the cost would be ok. £70 pp is not normal.

ShortDaysLongNights · 02/12/2022 18:46

I'd check with the host if you can get out without incurring additional costs. In those situations, they probably would have had to pay a deposit so I'd make sure you cover that regardless.

NoelNoNoel · 02/12/2022 18:48

I wouldn’t mention deposits or reimbursing deposits etc as this was not mentioned in the invite.

DillyDillyLavender · 02/12/2022 18:50

That’s very expensive, and I don’t blame you for cancelling if money is tight. I remember going out for a meal when I was really strapped for cash. Made a point of having no starter, cheapest main course on the menu, no pudding and no alcohol - was bloody stung with the ‘we’ll split the bill’ malarky and ended up paying about £45 for an £10 meal. Never again.

squidgybits · 02/12/2022 18:51

Milesty1 · 02/12/2022 18:44

I would not pay the deposit. They should have confirmed with everyone before committing! And checked the cost would be ok. £70 pp is not normal.

This! When did people start doing this booking expensive places to look good and sod the guests? Guests IMO do not and are not expected to pay. If I invited anybody to dinner, they would not be paying. You were not a guest and it was not a dinner party as I see it.

Murasakispillowbook · 02/12/2022 19:00

So.

  1. we're having a dinner party for Katherine's birthday. Do you want to come? = dinner at their home costing you a birthday gift and a couple of bottles of wine

  2. we're thinking of going out for something to eat for K's birthday - fancy joining us? = we'll let you know where we're thinking of. Check everyone's OK with it and you all pay for yourselves.

  3. we're having K's birthday party at Fancies. And then either
    3a) it's £70 a head. Is that OK? Let me know if you can make it or
    3b) and we're having a private room and we've hired the chef, our treat. In which case you take a gift.

Or you book a local venue that does a buffet and nobody expects to pay. K's birthday bash is at the Old Vets' at 7pm on Saturday! Hotpot at 9pm. See you there!

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 19:03

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 18:32

Are you absolutely sure the friend didn't share the restaurant details with DH and he forgot- possibly with everything going on because if the redundancy?
It's the only explanation that makes sense from the organisers side.

300% sure

OP posts:
CuteCillian · 02/12/2022 19:07

Are you certain they were not planning to pay? Surely no one would invite friends to a birthday dinner unless they were planning to pick up the tab?
If that is the case, no wonder they are annoyed that they will lose a deposit for the two of you. I would get DH to check.

Itsallright · 02/12/2022 19:08

Did you tell them the reason why you are cancelling? What was their reaction?

Georgyporky · 02/12/2022 19:16

I'd be totally upfront, & tell them you can't afford it & would never have agreed to it if you'd known the cost.

Don't offer to pay

Georgyporky · 02/12/2022 19:22

I'm guessing that the deposit is for the whole party rather than £x pp.

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 19:24

Can you check the restaurant website to see what they say about deposits? Also may be worth giving them a ring to see what normally happens if the party is short two people.

Iflyaway · 02/12/2022 19:26

It's really not difficult and you don't need to twist yourself into a bend in order to accommodate this situation.

Money is tight, private dining room?? FFS.

Unless they've been comatose for the last months, they know there's a cost of living crisis going on.

Just bow out gracefully.

CantFindTheBeat · 02/12/2022 19:29

OP

how did you know where to go/how to travel to the restaurant/ how long to book the babysitter for/what the dress code was?

I just can't imagine planning to XYZs birthday in a few days and be totally in the dark about even where it is ☹️

MissAmbrosia · 02/12/2022 19:31

If they really didn't tell you that it was a pricey restaurant then no need to feel guilty - apologise and say sorry you really can't afford it at the mo. They'd be shit friends if they couldn't understand that.

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 19:34

CantFindTheBeat · 02/12/2022 19:29

OP

how did you know where to go/how to travel to the restaurant/ how long to book the babysitter for/what the dress code was?

I just can't imagine planning to XYZs birthday in a few days and be totally in the dark about even where it is ☹️

I didn't worry about the dress code because we usually dress up anyway, as for the venue we are usually 1hr from everything so I had booked the babysitter with some flexibility (she was fine with that, I booked a month and a half ago so knew things would have to be fine tuned eventually)

OP posts:
ColdHandsHotHead · 02/12/2022 19:36

TBH your friend is at fault, booking somewhere that expensive and not warning people. I went somewhere that expensive for a meal on my birthday and invited a friend along but I paid for her as well.

Pansypotter123 · 02/12/2022 19:40

Phone the restaurant and ask how much deposit was taken and ask what the position would be if someone drops out!

TuxedoJunction · 02/12/2022 19:47

CuteCillian · 02/12/2022 19:07

Are you certain they were not planning to pay? Surely no one would invite friends to a birthday dinner unless they were planning to pick up the tab?
If that is the case, no wonder they are annoyed that they will lose a deposit for the two of you. I would get DH to check.

Was thinking the same as the poster above. This would be the norm for milestone birthdays in our friendship group.

JustCakeInDrag · 02/12/2022 19:49

Did the hosts call it a dinner party? You absolutely do not pay for your own dinner at a dinner party - but they also do not usually take place in restaurants.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 02/12/2022 19:53

Your ‘friends’ are a pair of pisstakers. I would never do this, and without sounding vulgar, money isn’t a problem with our friendship group. It’s shitty behaviour. As a PP said, are they likely to want to stick loads of pics on Instagram? Is that the reason for this?

I also don’t think you should pay for the deposit. £50 pp is ridiculous when they’ve been so vague deliberately.