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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to ask her to sell theatre tickets?

167 replies

Strawberryjam45 · 02/12/2022 07:06

My neice stayed with my for 3 months while she found her feet in a new (and very expensive city). The deal was that she would help out with my two LOs around work. My birthday is on Xmas eve and I asked her whether it was ok to babysit then as I wanted to go to the theatre. She said ok and I booked. Just for context we never do anything on Xmas eve/we are not culturally Christian so it didn't strike me as this was in anyway unreasonable.

Fast-forward 3 months and my neice has now moved out and found her own place. I went to lunch with her and asked if she was still good for babysitting on that day. She looked at me blankly before saying in a very casual manner that she had forgotten and was actually going to spend that day at home in her home city as she had a few days off. First I heard of it and her tone wasn't apologetic.

I mentioned this to her mum (my sister) and said that while I understand my niece's plans have changed would it be possible for her to try and sell the non-refundable/exchangeable tickets as I'd only bought them as she'd agreed to babysit and there wasn't any other feasible childcare options which weren't a faff. The tickets were £200 by the way and I just don't want the hassle of trying to shift them.

Her mum said that she thought I was being unreasonable as her daughter had felt "pressurized" to say yes as she was living with me (news to me as she made herself at home while living with us (borrowing personal items without asking etc, not feeling the need to buy groceries etc, which was fine but hardly the behavior of someone who feels obliged by their circumstances) and is very good at saying "no" in general. She also said she thought it was unreasonable for me to ask her to babysit on Xmas eve (even though we never celebrate Xmas eve as a family and it was my bday). She said she would buy the tickets from me as otherwise I would "go on about it forever".

Am I right to feel annoyed at my sister? Although she's offered to pay for the tickets, her tone was very off and like I had been v unreasonable. My neice is not a child by the way, she is well into her mid-20s.

OP posts:
dooneyousmugelf · 02/12/2022 09:00

YABU. For asking her to babysit on Christmas Eve. Just because you don't celebrate it as a family (I don't know anyone who does) doesn't mean she's sitting idle. At her age she'll either be wanting to go out with mates or spend it in jammies chilling, as she sees fit.

PiggyInTheLidl · 02/12/2022 09:05

Yes it was flaky and selfish of your niece to renege on the babysitting, and not to tell you.

But it is nothing to do with your DSis and you are creating permanent bad blood and resentment by going on at her.

You should have told your DN you were upset and disappointed, sold the tickets (is there a re-sale facility via the bookings? ) and left it there. Upsetting though it is to have your birthday outing wrecked.

NoWayRose · 02/12/2022 09:05

I think it’s cheeky to ask someone to babysit on Xmas Eve because it’s going to affect where they wake up on / spend Christmas Day itself. Christian or not Christian, I wouldn’t ask family to commit their Christmas plans to me ages in advance like that… Sister might be worried about her driving home at 2am and wanting to spend time with her.

Is the show sold out, what show us it? There’s a good FB group called Families Who Love theatre which is good for selling stuff like that. No I wouldn’t hand the selling over the niece, it’s really random

SkylightSkylight · 02/12/2022 09:05

sorrynotathome · 02/12/2022 07:43

If someone sponged off me for 3 months then cba to keep a babysitting commitment, I would be massively pissed off. YANBU at all.

What a horrible way of speaking about a niece staying with you!

I've been the niece, I've been the Aunty, never had there been 'a deal'

@Strawberryjam45 I'd be annoyed, but I'd just organise another babysitter, I would take money off my sister.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/12/2022 09:07

Strawberryjam45 · 02/12/2022 07:06

My neice stayed with my for 3 months while she found her feet in a new (and very expensive city). The deal was that she would help out with my two LOs around work. My birthday is on Xmas eve and I asked her whether it was ok to babysit then as I wanted to go to the theatre. She said ok and I booked. Just for context we never do anything on Xmas eve/we are not culturally Christian so it didn't strike me as this was in anyway unreasonable.

Fast-forward 3 months and my neice has now moved out and found her own place. I went to lunch with her and asked if she was still good for babysitting on that day. She looked at me blankly before saying in a very casual manner that she had forgotten and was actually going to spend that day at home in her home city as she had a few days off. First I heard of it and her tone wasn't apologetic.

I mentioned this to her mum (my sister) and said that while I understand my niece's plans have changed would it be possible for her to try and sell the non-refundable/exchangeable tickets as I'd only bought them as she'd agreed to babysit and there wasn't any other feasible childcare options which weren't a faff. The tickets were £200 by the way and I just don't want the hassle of trying to shift them.

Her mum said that she thought I was being unreasonable as her daughter had felt "pressurized" to say yes as she was living with me (news to me as she made herself at home while living with us (borrowing personal items without asking etc, not feeling the need to buy groceries etc, which was fine but hardly the behavior of someone who feels obliged by their circumstances) and is very good at saying "no" in general. She also said she thought it was unreasonable for me to ask her to babysit on Xmas eve (even though we never celebrate Xmas eve as a family and it was my bday). She said she would buy the tickets from me as otherwise I would "go on about it forever".

Am I right to feel annoyed at my sister? Although she's offered to pay for the tickets, her tone was very off and like I had been v unreasonable. My neice is not a child by the way, she is well into her mid-20s.

I don't think you are BU. You bought the tickets on the understanding that your niece would babysit.

I would be annoyed, but I would also accept your sister's offer of the cash and let her get on with selling the tickets, using them - whatever.

Then I'd let it go.

Toddlerteaplease · 02/12/2022 09:08

sorrynotathome · 02/12/2022 07:26

I would take the money from your sister and let that be the end of it.

I wouldn't! Why should sister pay. Unless she actually wants the tickets.

BungleandGeorge · 02/12/2022 09:10

Your niece is most definitely in the wrong and she should change her plans to accommodate the commitment she made. How far away is she going to be? I don’t think it was an unreasonable ask
after putting her up For 3 months and she could have asked you to go a different day.
however, it’s not up to your sister to sort out. You might just have to chalk it up to experience

Rainbowshit · 02/12/2022 09:15

YABU. You have plenty of options.

Find another babysitter
Go with a friend leaving DH to babysit
Swap tickets to another date
Sell them

It was always going to be a massive gamble asking someone to babysit so far in advance as things change.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 02/12/2022 09:17

I think your beef is with your niece but not your sister, but your sister is being nice offering you the money.

I actually think your niece at 25 should honour your commitment to babysitting, especially as she sounds a bit selfish/a user etc. She should’ve said beforehand if she didn’t want to do babysitting for you.

Funkyslippers · 02/12/2022 09:17

People are saying 'childcare falls through, deal with it'. She was unreliable and forgot. She's an adult and should have written it in her diary. Nothing to do with your sister though and if you can't get childcare it's not a faff to try and sell them on yourself

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 02/12/2022 09:19

Rainbowshit · 02/12/2022 09:15

YABU. You have plenty of options.

Find another babysitter
Go with a friend leaving DH to babysit
Swap tickets to another date
Sell them

It was always going to be a massive gamble asking someone to babysit so far in advance as things change.

And the niece is a using CF who thinks it’s fine to stay with her aunt and take advantage of her lifestyle and good nature yet not offer anything in return. Typical millennial selfish behaviour.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 02/12/2022 09:20

Funkyslippers · 02/12/2022 09:17

People are saying 'childcare falls through, deal with it'. She was unreliable and forgot. She's an adult and should have written it in her diary. Nothing to do with your sister though and if you can't get childcare it's not a faff to try and sell them on yourself

Depending on the event and others finances it might be harder to sell on the tickets. A few people I know are tightening belts this Christmas.

FictionalCharacter · 02/12/2022 09:20

YABU. Sell them yourself or find other childcare.

Funkyslippers · 02/12/2022 09:22

dooneyousmugelf then she shouldn't have agreed to it! OP didn't tell her she had to do it. She asked her if she would do it and from the sounds of it she was under no pressure to agree to it. That's how questions work

StressedToTheMaxxx · 02/12/2022 09:22

YANBU. Your niece has acted badly - she agreed to do something for you and is now letting you down with a shrug of her shoulders. There is no way I would let someone down like this knowing that they've made plans, have spent money on these plans etc, unless it was an emergency. I would also be very embarrassed if I was your sister- I'd be mortified if my daughter thought it was OK to treat people like this.

Weirdwonders · 02/12/2022 09:22

OP sounds like the user. The niece sounds like a perfectly normal 25yo niece who lived with her aunty for a bit three months ago and sometimes forgot to buy groceries (oh no) and couldn’t see how she could politely refuse being asked to do free childcare over Christmas, which is an unreasonable request.

Lochjeda · 02/12/2022 09:22

Who cares if you aren't religious, who would ask someone to babysit on Xmas eve and not spend it with their children yabu for that alone. Where did you think your niece would spend Xmas day if she wasn't in her home town or living with you. Why is it anyone else's responsibility to sell the tickets except yours and its got nothing to do with your sister. I don't believe this is true as its so ridiculous.

aSofaNearYou · 02/12/2022 09:22

Hmm I think YABU to expect her to refund the tickets, but I don't blame you for being generally annoyed with her, both for being so forgetful and for taking so much from you while she was staying with you and not feeling the need to give back. I would just suck this one up and do less for her in future.

ShouldIdo · 02/12/2022 09:25

If as you say your niece is not a child, why are you involving her mother?

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 02/12/2022 09:26

YABU.

butterfliedtwo · 02/12/2022 09:31

She shouldn't have agreed, and I would be annoyed.

But it's not on her to sell the tickets, and it has nothing to do with your sister. Just be less available for people - most are flaky.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 02/12/2022 09:31

YABVVVVVVVVVU. Just because CE means nothing to you, doesn't mean it doesn't to others. We are Jewish, so it literally is meaningless to us, but we would never arrange anything that would require help from non-Jewish friends on the day, and even some of our Jewish friends treat the day as a chance to have secular fun.

Blinkingheckythump · 02/12/2022 09:36

The amount of pps saying get a new sitter like that's easy enough at the best of times, but it's Xmas eve, how many people do you really think are going to be prepared to do it? Yanbu to be annoyed, your niece made a plan with you which had she not you wouldn't have forked out 200 quid on tickets.

Original poster
Strawberryjam45 · 02/12/2022 09:39

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think that's it's less about the tickets (yes I can try and resell them and if not I can go with a friend), it's more that I feel hurt as I felt I do and have historically gone out of my way for my neice in all sorts of ways and it's not that I expect to be paid back but I just thought it was a mutual relationship and if the opportunity ever arose, she would want to help me out too. I shouldn't have had that expectation and I should have asked what her plans were for Xmas (I assumed she would be working and therefore would be in the city but I should have checked).

I guess what annoyed me was her quite cavalier attitude to not being able to honour the commitment. Almost as if we don't have a relationship and if I was in a hole, well then that was tough for me. My sister did offer to pay £200 but it was done in a very brusque manner as in "if you're dying for the money..." not as in "I'll pay you for them and then try and re-sell them"-I agree I don't think she should pay for them and nor do I intend to take her money.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2022 09:40

Yanbu to be annoyed that niece committed to babysitting and then just cba.

Yqbu to run to the Mom of a woman in her 20s to tattle on her and to try to get her Mom to do what you should be doing - Speaking to niece.

I also wouldn't trust flakey niece to do it.

I'd he grateful DSIS is willing to sort out the mess her adult daughter caused to the tune of £400