Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

This is from the Sistah Space site;

‘SUPPORTING AFRICAN & CARIBBEAN
HERITAGE WOMEN AFFECTED BY DOMESTIC & SEXUAL ABUSE’

So why are they’re prepared to use their ‘heritage’ when it suits.

When I saw this story I thought of this scenario;
Two couples one white (A) one black go to say the UK (B). Both work and have kids.
Person meets both kids
Person to both kids: where are you from?
Child A: Brighton
Person: Ah ok
Child B: Brighton
Person: But where are you really from?
Child B: Brighton
Person: Where are your parents from?

In my opinion that is the problem. Why do you suddenly need to know where the second child is from even though the kids sound the same? So the second child has become much more 'interesting' because of their skin colour.

I don't think you get Marlene Headley, but it's an interesting journey of discovery.

Because that's their heritage
It doesn't mean they're not also British
You can be born in Britain to Britain born parents and have African heritage

(Disclaimer that I am white so if I have this wrong I apologise!)

To me it's like I'm white british, but my ancestry, heritage, it isn't

Or did Ngozi want this media attention to advance her charity / profile?

DF was mixed race (Moroccan) I am olive skinned with dark hair no one ever asks me
DD is even darker but has very distinctive eyes from ex DH side of family everyone asks about her origins (ExDH himself is far whiter than either of us)

Ha, thats really nonsense, but do go about your day. (off to check how much my heating is costing me and if I have enough money for food!)

As a white British person with no known relatives from other parts of the world for the past few hundred years as far as we know, I look a little southern European, and have had the scenario a few times of someone asking me where I was from to which I replied the north, to which they then asked but no where are you originally from to which I reply the north and they seemed most displeased by this answer. It has happened several times, generally with work colleagues from Europe, wasn't sure what to make of it really definitely did feel somewhat offensive at the repeated pushing of the question despite my clear response.

I get told I have an accent a lot even though I shouldn't have as been brought up in the SE of England and lived here all my life. Get told a lot that I sound Kiwi, Australian, Northern or American. It really embarrasses me as people literally cannot believe I am from the UK. Get asked all the time 'Where are you from as you are definitely not from round here.?" Would do anything to have a normal voice but I am going off on a tangent now...

Why would anyone touch anyone else's hair? How would you feel if a stranger started touching your hair never mind the implications behind it.

Never been asked myself (I'm white and let's face it, it's usually white people that ask this question) but have butted in and asked where they would like to send me, when it inevitably moves on to sending non brits 'home'. In just my grandparents i have polish, jewish, irish, hungarian and romany genetics. By their logic i should go somewhere but where? They usually start stuttering that they don't mean me - of course not, the colour of my skin means i can pass as English (one of the few things I'm not in my heinz 57 of genetic lotteries) and they mean black brown yellow or olive people.

Discussing genetic heritage, the brilliance that brings to the country, the wonderful cultural heritage and the absolutely fascinating origin stories and family history some people have is one thing. But asking people where they're really from or where they go home to is not.

Do you have long hair? The older woman was trying to see her name badge. What 'implications' are there?

I think Ngozi/ Marlene is so hellbent on portraying herself as a victim that everything is being thrown into the ring here.

The dust needs to settle from these events, because there is a bigger story here and it will be interesting to hear it. So I am exiting this thread. Honestly most people in this country have better things to worry about than a dodgy-sounding charity worker melting down because some old lady disrespected her dreadlocks.

I get the reverse... I'm white but from a black-majority African country. My family roots go back there for generations. I am mostly ethnically English. I moved to the UK as an adult for work, but I'm not a British citizen and my family links are too old to give me any ancestry rights, etc.

It makes me nervous to answer where I'm from because of the possible responses. People either whisper to me "I always thought Africa was run better when the whites were in charge" or start asking me if I owned slaves, if I feel ashamed about "my role" in colonialism, telling me how horrible apartheid was (sure, but I'm not from South Africa...), etc.

So I get why the worry is not just about curiosity about the initial question, it's about where the conversation often goes next.

But also, I've learnt a lot from interesting conversations with people about heritage and culture, so I don't wish people didn't ask. I have some one-liner explainers to get out of the conversation if necessary, it's in my control.

I also used to get annoyed at not being "believed" that I was "really" (nationality) or African, but now I don't mind. If asked directly, I give my ethnic background as "white (nationality)" because "English" does not seem accurate and ethnicity does capture more than just race/DNA but "(nationality)" is clearly just misleading people.

People do want to refer to ethnicity/race instead of nationality sometimes, and pretending to be oblivious to it is boring after a while. Just be upfront.

@hellycat - surely, if Ngozi’s hair was over her name badge, the best thing for Lady S to have done would be to have simply asked her name? All she had to do was to use her words.

Name badges often end up pinned on/near the boob, and I wouldn’t want to risk touching someone there. Most women don’t want to be touched by strangers or without giving their permission.

I don’t know if Lady S would have touched her hair if she had been white - but even if she didn’t do it because she thought it was OK because of her race or skin colour, she ought to have known that it is simply not proper to touch a stranger’s boob or hair.

The weirdest non-racist thing that I have happen to me is when I went into our local fish and chips shop run by Chinese people, and the lady who worked there started talking to me in Chinese. I don't speak a word of it so presumed she was talking to someone behind me, and turned around... it was then that I realised she was actually talking to me 😳🤣

I've never really had any truly racist remarks about what I look like, thankfully. Another cool occasion was when I started at university (a long time ago... 😄 ) and mu Chinese flatmate said very cheerfully "oh, you're half of Chinese?!" when I told him about my heritage. Seeing his bright smile and how happy he was to meet another (half) Chinese person really made Mr warm to him. He was so sweet.

I also remember at work that we had a group called the POCO group which one of the colleagues had set up as a little social group for the people who were of Chinese origin (hence the name POCO). He was American Malaysian and so lovely. All the other POCO members were very kind and friendly, and i felt really pleased he had asked me to join. The fact I've had positive experiences about my heritage really made me think that there are some kind people who aren't racist in this world. At least I can think upon this if I ever encounter any racism in the future and I can use it to remind me that people do care.

I have a large group of American friends - it fascinates me as though they are all "white/Caucasian" ALL of them describe themselves as
Ukrainian
German
or they actually refer to them selves as America Jewish
(i know that's not a race but it's an ethnicity)

Indeed, and immigrants from present day Africa tend to identify as, for example, 'Nigerian-American'.

It is nice to be able to pinpoint your ancestry, to know what shtetl or county or Land or village your ancestors came from. In a country populated mainly by people whose ancestors came from elsewhere, many like to feel a sense of connection to a place their ancestors called home, maybe aspire to travel there, look up distant relatives, etc.

The problem with the observation relating to American people of most countries of origin is that it doesn't translate to African Americans. Thanks to the process that saw millions of African people enslaved and transported to the Americas, identities and origins were erased, and because this remains a point of immense trauma, reference to 'origins' is hurtful when it comes to African Americans. 'Origins' in a land where ancestors were held as slaves is problematic - in the American South - because of how ancestors arrived and were treated in America, and African origins that will never be known in many cases is also problematic.

The term African American is an interesting one. It wasn't used until the 1980s, and its intent was to provide a cultural context for African Americans that didn't implicitly refer to enslavement. Before then, shades of skin colour were used to describe people of African origin in the US, and laws with the effect of discriminating against people with any African ancestors meant that all of those terms were essentially negatives.

I see there is a good deal of pushback on this thread, as on another I have seen.

There seems to be an agenda among certain posters, and I for one am wondering what exactly they hope to achieve by resisting the idea that racism exists.

Another reason the racists might want to think again before questioning someone's origin, is the increasing numbers of transracial people - who often identify as a race that differs to their outward appearance.

What do you mean?

Why don't you look within and research your own heritage because "They" may educate YOU.

Its not when it suits us because we are consistent about the fact we was born I'm England, have a British accent like you just different colour. WHY should we be questioned? It's 2022 FFS

I’ve had this from a class perspective - in higher education was asked about my background constantly.

What they were really asking was “why are you here” and basically “leave”. I was an awkward inconvenience to the conversations and socials they wanted to have, I didn’t fit with them so they wanted me away.

Suspect same thing here. Sistah Space is great btw, from previous knowledge of it. I hate that a pretty incredible woman who runs it, supporting DV victims, is being vilified because she called out racism. I don’t judge someone’s reaction, if they’re on the receiving end of abuse or prejudice. Even Buck Palace called it out. Yet some seem so desperate to defend Hussey! Sick.

OP it’s clear some people just are not reading your very clear posts. I get this a lot. It’s infuriating. It’s moreso the entitlement people have feeling like they have the right to interrogate you and refuse to accept your answer. Like just stop.

Equally I have no problem if someone asks about my heritage or ethnicity as a mixed race person. It’s the “no but where are you REALLY from” is the worst.

One time someone didn’t even know how to keep asking the question so they just circled their face with their hand to basically imply “no but why is your face brown”. 🙄

Why is this surprising? Do you think she and the others around her who also witnessed this are incapable for recalling events? Just be m cause you might find it difficult to recall conversations doesn’t mean others do. Have you ever experienced anything similar?

I have experienced this numerous times and I can recite word for word what happens each occasion even years later. It’s so jarring and it sticks. Unfortunately these occasions are not easy to forget.

Irish name with typical Irish colouring-Irish blood for as far back as can be remembered.
Live in England,, born in England,

Usually asked what part of Ireland am I or my parents from, as it's bleeding obvious I'm as English as the Eiffel Tower.

I'm not ashamed of my Irish blood so I'm happy to tell them. I don't feel as if I've been attacked or belittled.

Why on earth would I feel belittled? It's something I'm proud of. In fact, if my mother or grandmother heard me announce myself as English I'd feel the toe of their boot up my arse.

Also, my name is completely unpronounceable to most English people. They make an effort at pronouncing it and most of them make a balls of it.

So what, it's an Irish name in England. Why should they be expected to pronounce it?

A little fucking common sense needs to be applied. There's many an African name I can't pronounce and I take the same attitude. So what!

If I'm told how to pronounce it I try-as a matter of manners-to remember but if I can't I don't beat myself up about it.

I usually ask them to spell mine if I see a sarcastic comment coming on, which usually puts things into context.

I think the lady from Sistah Space is enjoying her five minutes of fame-fair play but please don't expect a lot of us to believe you're traumatised and violated. How does she describe the beatednwomen she helps who have had real trauma and violation?