Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

Hi@NooNooHead1981 I am just like you with a British white Mum and a Dad from Hong Kong.

I have had people be openly racist to me, I was born in the 1960’s so it was open season. Men asking me if my vagina was sideways, oh are you number 69 on the menu, spat at in the street, my Mothers family disowned her for a number of years and my nickname was Chopsticks at school, turning Japanese was sung at me and the whole pulling the eyes thing. Last racist incidence was about 18 years ago when someone called me Chinese bitch in the street when we bumped in to each other.

I really don’t care if people ask where I am really from because I am a proud of my heritage and well whatever.

Yeah I feel.you on the hair thing. I'm pretty light skinned (mixed) and until a few years ago straightened my hair my entire adult life. I've noticed since I've let it go natural that people seem to.sort of touch it. A bit like the weirdos that touch your belly when you're pregnant. WTF is that about?
But at least with my natural hair people don't think I'm lying when I say I'm mixed race when asked. I filled in a diversity form once where you had to.tick a box to.indicate which "ethnic group" you belong to (bloody hate those forms). I ticked black Caribbean/ white British and the lady actually said to me "I think.you ticked the wrong box" I explained I hadn't and she literally looked like she didn't believe me. Now I tend to either not fill those forms in or tick "prefer not to say"

An Indian doctor born and bred in India to a junior doctor of Indian heritage.Where are you from? London. No, where are you actually from? London. How can you be from London? This was 20 years ago and it still sticks in my mind at how angry the junior doctor was.

What an awful thing said to the charity worker.

I would never say something like that, but I must admit I am fascinated by peoples heritage, especially from the Carribean countries.

Im black and have locs. I've been asked where I'm, I answer, "West London". The amount of colleagues who have asked to touch my hair is ridiculous. My workplace recently did training on micro aggressions which was interesting..
I can't believe people are surprised this has happened tbh, but glad Ngozi spoke out.

Surely someone speaking with an English/Scottish/Welsh/Irish accent with darker skin clearly was brought up in those countries and most likely born there. People asking this stupid question don't seem to have much in the way of brains.

Some of the responses are so disheartening... I'm British, but really struggle with the term "Black British" because I know Im not seen as such, I'll always be seen as not really belonging.

Well obviously you would if you DONT have the same accent.

I am English, fair, high cheek bones, slightly different speech due to speech difficulties and having to be taught to talk.
In my home area I was frequently asked where I was from or “You’re not from round here, are you?”
Despite my insistence that I was and reeling off where I went to school people would still insist I was not from the area.

When older I would just say, “ I am.” And walk away
Why waste your breath asking where someone is from if you are not prepared to accept their answer?

@Msloverlover
But you ARE from somewhere else and your accent shows this.

I appreciate you were responding to an American living in the U.K.
but want to remind you that accent doesnt show someone is from somewhere else. That’s the issue with me. People hear my accent and assume I’m foreign. I’m not from somewhere else, Ive just spent a lot of time living abroad from age ten.

My dh is 1/4 Pakistani and is asked a lot (I get asked where he is from too). His appearance is racially ambiguous, so I think mostly people are just curious. His name is extremely English (surname has been Anglicised). Our dc don't get asked.

What I didn’t mention is these questioners simply stop the complete flow of conversation (such as I am at the supermarket trying to buy something & cashier stops the whole action to quiz me about my background, or a tradesman interrupts me while I am trying to explain a plumbing problem, etc) to get into othering mode. I should really say “none of your effing business”

I know. I saw it firsthand when I was living in the US. I was also in Chicago watching it live when former President Obama won the first time and was there for his speech. I’m quite familiar with what was going on as I stated in a similar thread that I have lived in both the US and the UK and shared my experiences of racism in both countries.

I have said something along the lines of 'I don't see colour' years ago, at that time I genuinely just meant I would never treat anyone differently due to skin colour, it really wasn't meant to be offensive. I have since read more and understand the reasoning. At first I just didn't mention it to my children because I didn't want them to 'see' colour but now we do talk about why it's important to recognise that racism DOES exist even if we are not the ones practising it, and how people may feel about it.

I think sometimes the biggest problem is that if you have not experienced racism then you really don't know if you are doing the right thing or why you are doing the wrong thing. I absolutely do not expect POC to have to explain what the issues are, however I also think unless anything has affected you or people close to you (friends/family) then it isn't something that you think about in the first instance. Not just racism, anything at all.

I can only imagine how frustrating it would be being asked 'where you're really from' and I don't know why some posters are confusing it with asking about a different regional accent. You wouldn't question AT ALL where someone was from if you shared the same regional accent and were both white after it was stated 'this town in our area'. So for the reason of the thread, I don't think there is any reason to not know you're being rude/intrusive.

Why is it any of anyone's business your family history? You wouldn't go and ask a stranger their medical history...'Oh you don't look slim', is there a history of diabetes?' 'No' 'Well, I don't believe you. What weight are your parents and grandparents? How dare you not tell me!'

I guess it depends on how the question is asked. I'm English living in Scotland and am regularly asked where I'm from. If it's motivated by genuine curiosity, no problem. The issue is when the question morphs into "why are you here?", "when are you going home?", "couldn't you find somewhere in England to live/work?", "have you thought about the fact you're taking a job from a Scottish person?". I've had all of these in the past 6 years of living in Glasgow and Edinburgh. The sad reality is that I will never be fully accepted because of where I was born.

As a White woman, I can only imagine what it's like for those of visible minority ethnicities. The responses on this thread offer a depressing yet unsurprising insight into the racism and discrimination in Britain today.

Not me but my children who are mixed race.

They actually just look tanned on a normal day (a la Meghan Markle) but as soon as the sun peeps out a cloud they go really dark and it’s clear they’re mixed race. I have had people ask where their mum is (I’m white), where they’re from, are they adopted etc. it doesn’t keep me up at night but it’s irritating that people don’t just accept mixed race children exist and more importantly I worry for them what their life will be like and what people will say when they’re a bit older.

Have a look at this government website www.devon.gov.uk/equality/communities/diversity/guide/race

direct quote “Race covers: nationality (for example, British)”

ever so slightly embarrassing for you. If Japanese can be a race then so can British.

I heard Ngozi Fulani interviewed on the radio this morning and she honestly sounded as British as beans on toast. I am left baffled as to how Lady Hussey who lives and works in London could not have come across a Black British person before. So I am left thinking she was absolutely intentionally making this poor woman uncomfortable for no good reason.

Genuine answer - don't ask a stranger. You might wish to ask someone after you get to know them I suppose, but I must say, it's disappointing to me to be asked by anyone. It makes me feel like my Britishness is being questioned.

I'm not at all interested in family history though. I appreciate that makes me an oddity. I feel like people are a bit obsessed with it though.

I am white British as far aback as I can find in my family history BUT because I wear a headscarf (converted to Islam many years ago) people assume I'm from somewhere else and efuse to believe my family on bimonthly sides are British going back to the dawn of time! Dh is not English so that confuses them even more! It's just ignorance

I am disturbed how many people do not get it

Ditto.

Thankyou for sharing this post

It's a brisk and slightly presumptuous thing to do. It's like something a granny would do actually. I really don't think Lady H meant offence by this bit. I'm sorry, but I don't. And if Ngozi was offended because she doesn't like having her hair touched at all, because to do so is culturally insensitive, then she should have told the woman there and then, and why, instead of hanging her out to dry in the media the next day. Don't you think that would have been more reasonable, and more helpful and more proportionate? I mean, I think anyone, short of a raving Neonazi, would have said sorry at that point.

You really don’t get this whole thread.