Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

The quote was from the BBC website, in Ms Fulani’s own words. Apparently the head of the Women’s Equality Party was standing close enough to hear what was said, and later told the BBC that the continued questioning was making her feel more and more uncomfortable, as it went on for some time and became more and more insistent.

As an aside I shared a lift recently with a black man. I'm a white woman. We were in a hotel in Scotland. He struck up a conversation about the weather. I heard his American accent and asked where he had come from. Then got terrified in case he thought I was asking that question. He named a town in the USA and I said I'd never been there and we reached the ground floor so I could scarper. I'd have made it worse if I'd said I only asked the question because of his American accent. Wouldn't I?

So if someone is racist to you, it’s your job to go along with it and get the racism over with quickly? Help them along a bit?

Genuine question: What is the best way to ask somebody about their heritage without causing offence? I'm mixed race myself and I'm often interested in people's family backgrounds - not because I'm racist, but because I'm interested to know more about them. And that applies equally if they're Scottish, Welsh, Spanish, Canadian, Irish, from Timbuktu or Tunbridge Wells.

I think Ngozi Fulani is being a bit disingenuous.

She was wearing traditional Igbo dress, and told Susan Hussey she was British born and bred.

So, naturally, SH asked NF a couple of further questions about her background.

She had a dress with leopard print on it.

I wear leopard print all of the time. I’m not African.

She wasn’t wearing traditional Igbo dress. Even if she was, it doesn’t excuse the way she was questioned. She was wearing a brown sweater and animal print skirt with jewellery. She has been quoted as being fond of dressing in ‘Pan African’ colours.

This is a very strange reaction in my opinion. It's not rude to ask, it's rude to then pry once they've answered or insist that they're wrong. It's also strange because Americans also ask this.

One trend I've noticed among Americans I've encountered lately is asking "where's home?" Or "where do you call home?", I really don't like it. I get that it's supposed to occupy the space in conversation usually taken up by "where are you from?" But which lets the person tell you where they were born, or where they grow up, or where they now live, as they choose. So I understand and like the intention. But for me it feels really weighty, I've only ever felt at home in one place and it's not where I was born, grew up or now live. Any answer short of my life story feels like a betayal, and obviously I don't want to launch into the whole saga! It feels invasive and personal in a way that where do you live, where are you from, does not. So I normally say where I now live, and clarify not originally. But I understand that to other people, the question where are you from? Is just as loaded.

I think that’s totally different though @Moonmelodies because it sounds like you were just working temporarily in Kenya, rather than you settling there and having Kenyan citizenship. OP is talking about a situation where she and her whole family are British citizens and have lived in Britain for a couple of generations, yet because her skin colour and eye/hair colour is dark rather than fair, she is constantly being asked about where she is from.

What absolute nonsense. Of course British isn’t a race! Many British people (but in no way all) are Caucasian. That’s a race.

Honestly, any points you made are now moot as this comment alone shows your know zilch about cultural and racial identity.

And it wasn’t a ‘couple of questions’ - the quote is upthread somewhere. It went on for some time ad the question was rephrased quite a few times until Ms Hussey appeared to be satisfied she had got what she wanted.

In America, it's rare for a Black Americans to be asked where they are from if they have one of the various N. American accents. Possibly there will be questions about what S American country if it's obvious they speak Spanish. We all assume they are descended from enslaved ancestors and have likely been here longer than most other Americans. Everyone knows most Black Americans have no idea their ethnic heritage as it was cut off from them when their ancestors were kidnapped and separated from their heritage and language.

White people in the US get asked this a lot because it's a common thing for white people to know what country in Europe their ancestors came from. Obviously it's not considered racist to ask a white person this. White Americans talk all the time about their Danish, German, Italian, Greek, Syrian, etc. heritage.

However, it's really more of an issue for Asian looking people in the US to be asked these questions this in a racist way.

Hmm I have a slightly different version of this. I get asked where I'm from. I'm mixed race. One grandparent was black, the other 3 were white. I look racially ambiguous. People tend to think Italian or Greek or maybe Tunisian.
I really dont mind being asked where I'm from. I'd say London. If pressed further I'd say well my grandfather was Jamaican but honestly sometimes people don't actually believe me! I mean WTAF?

I'd have made it worse if I'd said I only asked the question because of his American accent. Wouldn't I?

You didn’t do anything wrong in this situation and I don’t think he would have cared if you said about his accent or not.

He knows he’s got a different accent so people are going to ask.

Some people do get upset if you ask where their accent is from, as there was a thread back along about women having very bad experiences because some people don’t like foreigners and they were asked in a really negative way.
So I’ve stopped asking now even though I would only ever ask out of curiosity and nothing negative.

Again if I asked where they were from and they said America, I wouldn’t keep asking and ask where he’s really from as he’s already told me.

But you ARE from somewhere else and your accent shows this. This is absolutely not the same thing.

I get asked a lot but strangely it’s rarely by white people.
I think most white people are scared to ask the question.
The first time I met my husbands uncle I asked where he was from, I meant what part of the UK did he live in as I couldn’t remember exactly but knew it was the other side of the country , he immediately thought I was being racist and lectured me for half an hour. I will now always be sure to phrase that as ‘where do you live’ from now on, as it was mortifying.

Thank you.
I knew it would end up with so many people just not getting it. My colleagues wife said she didn't understand it so I had to explain it to him...

I'm mixed ethnicity white/Jamaican(no-one is mixed race...we're all human) I have been asked so many times where am I from(usually white men of a certain age who leer afterwards saying they went to india, Jamaica etc in their youth and wink wink liked the black ladies)...I was born in Germany to Forces parents but I am British. You find yourself trying to stop the conversation after British. People keep on going saying no before that, no you know your origins.

The issue with the conversation is it didn't stop after she said she was British. It's the pushing for an answer and not accepting anything said.
It's the fact that none of my white colleagues or friends would be asked the same question.
If you have an accent, one word reply sorts it...I'm Italian, French, German etc. But no-one really gets how feels when someone asks.

No-one needs to know where I'm "really from". I'm British and I speak English...full stop.

@Emanresu9 I think that's the point though - Japan is very monoethnic, immigration is recent and most non-japanese looking people will have moved there, or have parents that moved there. Britain isn't like that, it has a long long history of immigration. Many non-white Brits have never lived anywhere else, not had parents who have. The question is racist because it implies that you cannot be from Britain and be non-white, which is false. At best it's spectacularly ignorant, usually it's racist in the sense that it's implying that "real" or "better" Britishness is white.

Victim blaming NotQuiteHere?
What is the real question then?

Same for my husband (he still has a Hugenot surname, which now I'm married I get lots of questions about as it's very unusual) our daughter has his dark hair and olive skin and my blue eyes and i get asked a lot about my husband's heritage. When my daughter was younger people thought she was mixed Asian and INSISTED on discussing her tan, dark hair and heritage

There were also conspiracy theories at the time, that he was born in Kenya, not Hawaii, and also that the surname ‘Obama’ was somehow linked to Osama Bin Laden. Mad.

I grew up in a small city in the 80s that had very high levels of migration. I'm white. My best friend at school had moved to my city from Bradford. I really couldn't understand as an 8yr old why we were both asked all the time where she was from. We both kept saying Bradford. That's where she was born and where her mum was born. I didn't understand the racism at that age but I certainly knew something was off with it.

It's people not accepting the answer that's the issue. It's the expectation of being able to quiz a stranger about something personal... I should be able to say I'm British and that's all you need to know or I'm from xxxxx County but those who ask, tend to keep pushing for a different answer.

As for the hair thing...as a POC the amount of people who have to try and touch my hair is ridiculous and rude. As a child someone was always putting their hand on my head to feel the afro.

Why should anyone expect or accept their hair touched?

Imagine starting a new job which involves wearing a uniform.

Manager: what size are you?
Employee: Size 10
M: No what size clothes are you?
E: Size 10
M: What size are you wearing now?
E: Size 10
M: What size are you normally?
E Size 10
M: What size are you really?
E: Size 10
M: Ok I can see this is going to be a challenge…

Moves hair out of the way to check the size on the label.

The above scenario seems ridiculous and very offensive as the manager is implying they’re not a size 10.
But that’s exactly what happened in this situation.

Ask the question, fair enough.
It would be rude to repeat it again but even if she had it would have not been as bad.

But to continually keep asking and then say ok this is going to be a challenge or whatever she said - what was she expecting!
If you are asking an irrelevant question and the person isn’t answering then drop it.

Susan knew exactly what she was doing and it’s ageist to say ‘but she’s old’ when all she had to do was say ‘ok’ and move on.

I'm from Hackney. My grandparents were from multiple Caribbean countries (many people with Caribbean heritage are from more than one Island). My parents were born here. I look like I'm mixed with an Asian country (I am via my paternal side)... This also makes me look east African to some people. To top it off, I'm married with an African name that looks Spanish to some people.

Sometimes, I don't want to trek down heritage lane when I'm saying hello to someone in passing. From experience, sometimes you don't want to open up that conversation because that can invite people to talk nonsense about what they don't know or understand ("yeah, how lovely that the royal family love to visit Mustique when many people from the nearby islands can't").

Sometimes, people need to take a hint and save themselves.