Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

People will take offence at almost anything these days. "Where are you really from?" is just a clumsy way of asking what your heritage is. Why be so coy about it? It's nothing to be ashamed of.

At my covid vaccination last year, the vaccinator questioned my choice of White British I had this and have it every time I fill that form…the “helpful”
“you should have checked “White Other” because you’re not British.”
”Yes I am British”
”What’s your passport say?”
”Its a British passport that says British citizen”
etc. depends how long they want to go down that bunny trail until I’ve proven that I am actually white British living here in the U.K.

I also overhear snide comments in A&E and GP surgeries about “all these people coming here and using our NHS” with 😒 side-eyes in my direction.

I once politely told a queue jumper there was a queue and she launched into a tirade about “You dont know, but here in England we….”

no you don't get it, some people just don't know how to ask what your ethnic background is, by 'from' they mean ancestrally. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't see that person as British. I think a big misconception in this thread is that being British comes with some perceived kudos,. Being British is pretty dull (when in Britain, obviously when elsewhere British suddenly becomes very interesting), I'd much rather be able to say "I'm Italian and Polynesian blended with a bit of scandi", it would be so much more interesting sadly my mix is way more common in these parts. Asking where someone is really from is a compliment in its own way.

Maybe …. It’s because you’re white…..

@MintJulia what do you think the reaction would have been if the Daily Mail had led with a story about the earth of the queens who’s people were from Germany?

I’ve never told anyone this before but I am white and once asked an Asian woman I had just met where she was from. She had the same accent as me and was obviously from the same place. I often think about it and am beyond horrified that I could do that. In my defence I was very mentally unwell at the time and was 2 days away from a hospital admission, and even while I was saying the words it was like someone else was saying them and I was appalled. But still.

OK

@FlissyPaps that was my point.

I have olive skin, dark hair and brown eyes. I genuinely have no clue where it comes from but people do ask me where I'm from and will go on about it until they decide I must have ancester from Spain or somewhere. My daughter is blue eyed and blond haired like her dad and my sisters and when we were ar baby groups I'm pretty sure people assumed I was the nanny at first. The worst occasion was coming back from an alps holiday via plane, and having my daughter then 3/4 in my arms and the border control woman looking very suspiously at us both and asking my daughter where we had been. When my daughter said to beaches she said, there are no beaches ans I had to point out she meant beaches by the lakes. I really thought she thought I'd kidnapped her. Luckily when she saw DH I think she twigged but it was quite alarming for a moment.

@mummydoorgirl I am not ashamed of my heritage nor do I think being British is "better" - it just is where I am from and I get to define that, not you.

I’m white but have a slight accent so it’s obvious I’m not from here so in that way that question is valid but I just don’t think it’s an appropriate small talk question. I don’t want to tell my life story to every delivery guy or a GP receptionist. It’s usually followed with questions about why I came here, when I came her etc.

my surname also doesn’t sound like the country I’m from because there’s another level to my heritage, so then people want that explained too and it’s just tiresome. Then I always have to hear about their acquaintances that are from my country. And I’m not sure what I’m supposed to with the knowledge that my GP receptionist’s sister’s ex boyfriend was also from the same country as me.

And then they always try to say the few words they learnt in my language, they butcher them so badly I have no idea what they are trying to say so I smile politely and everything gets really awkward and I always just wish I were somewhere else.

If you become my friend or even an acquaintance you will learn where I’m from and why my surname is what it is and when I came here and why. And until then it’s basically none of your business. I don’t understand why I have to go through this each time I’m renewing my internet contract or getting an Uber or whatever.

I’m Caucasian, as are my parents. I was born and raised in Japan. When I’m home I’m regularly asked where I’m from. I speak fluent Japanese. I reply that I am Japanese. I’m also white and my parents/grandparents etc are white. They keep asking. “No, where are you really from” etc.

is it really that crazy that Japanese people don’t automatically accept me as Japanese? If you saw a totally white person with white features and with a straight face they just kept insisting they were Japanese would you really not raise an eyebrow? Even a little bit?

I had a friend in college who was born and raised in Japan but had African heritage. The number of people who refused to accept that he was Japanese was astounding because he didn’t ‘look Japanese’. I was obviously quite naive at the time because it never would have occurred to me that near strangers would try argue somebody’s nationality them.

Why do you need to know? It’s not really any one’s business what another person’s background, ancestry, heritage, etc.. unless they choose to disclose it.

Where someone was born, their parents and ancestors were born does not tell anyone who they are or what their views are fully as a person.

And from the sound of many experiences here, the people asking don’t particularly care about the person they’re asking, just want to point out or prove their own views based on their own thoughts on what the person is.

Posters saying that they are half Indian has just reminded me of a funny story.
I was once in an airport queue and got speaking to a woman in front of me. She was in a group of women and I was on my own. After a little while I ask her if she was on a hen do? Her reply was ‘No, I’m half Mauritian’. Turns out she thought I had asked if she was a Hindu! 🤣

incidentally I’m always asked where I’m from because although born in the U.K. I grew up elsewhere and I don’t look or sound ‘typically’ English.

Being British is pretty dull (when in Britain, obviously when elsewhere British suddenly becomes very interesting)

The British people on this thread, don't need you to whitesplain what it's like to be British.

Ngozi Fulani, who has been doing interviews all day, is now describing the way this old woman pushed her hair out of the way of her name badge as a 'violation' and an 'abuse', as her hair is sacred to her on a cultural level. Women touch each other's hair all the time. If you don't like it and find it overly tactile and presumptious, I do understand, but it's hardly violatory. I think this is getting beyond ridiculous now.

I am English. Really, really, really English. I have people interested in family history on both sides and I am so English I wouldn't even bother doing one of those ancestry DNA tests because it would be so boringly English.

Yet I must have an indescribably foreign air about me because I get people absolutely insisting that I must be... well, take your pick! Chinese, Korean (this from a Korean man), Japanese, French, Turkish (from a Turkish woman), Canadian, Spanish... Gosh, I can't even remember! And they don't even make sense! How can I look so Korean AND Turkish that my alleged compatriots felt slighted that I wouldn't speak to them in "our" language?!

"No, where are you really from? No, alright, then, where are your parents from? OK, but what about your grandparents? Your ancestors? Nah, but you must be a bit XYZ. Come on, you can tell me."

Er, I think I know more about myself than you do, actually. I'm very pale with very dark hair, but I really do just look... English. But some people can get actually offended that I won't admit/confess to them where I'm REALLY from.

Being British isn’t a race though, is it? Perfectly possible to be both black and British at the same time, millions of people manage it.

In your Japanese example, you are assuming there is confusion between Japanese ethnicity and Japanese nationality. I don’t think there is.

I hear that @Squidthing

My two children are as white as driven snow with blond hair and blue eyes (their dad is white British). I used to take them to a mothers and toddlers group at the local church and several other mums were under the distinct impression that I was the nanny😣

No they don't.

No it isn't.

You might see it as an over-reaction. I'm shocked at the stories I hear from work colleagues about how they are interrogated about their nationality and not believed by people who are desperate to label and "other".

DONT SHOOT ME BUT
i talk to anyone and everyone, my family say I’m the only person who starts up a conversation in a lift……… if I get into a chat with someone and I hear an accent I will ask where they are from…..skin colour does not come into this…..is this wrong ?
also today was in a shop and heard a chat between customer and staff member who had done something wrong and customer laughing said , well that’s really irish!!!!!! Implying it’s thick

Maybe you do, but many of us don’t touch people without others consent especially their hair. It is a violation because she did not consent to the Lady touching her especially moving her hair from her name tag as if they were friends. Do you touch a stranger’s hair without their permission?

I don't mind if people just ask the question. It can lead to quite a pleasant, funny chat. But it can be really unpleasant when people implicitly accuse me of lying about myself and won't take the truth for an answer!