Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

It’s rude and should never be asked in my opinion. What happened to that lady at the palace was a disgrace. She TOUCHED her hair and kept questioning!

Skin colour and ethnicity doesn’t matter at all when people are born and raised in a country, or even just live there for a long time.

I have a black friend who are English and white friend who are Korean. Both struggle to be accepted as they are in their respective countries. Just because they look different they are told they can’t possibly be ‘insert nationality here’.

It’s daft and racist, if someone tells you what they are then you should believe them and no need to question further, if at all in the first place.

To those people on this thread who don’t get it… then read “We Need To Talk to White People About Race” (I’ve done this), reread it again etc until you do get it.

There are other books and websites etc for learning about bias, unconscious bias, diversity etc. Redo the learning at your workplace, place of study etc.

Boss - where are you from
Me - home city
Boss - where are your parents from
Me - mum is from *, Dad is from
Boss (looking flustered) - errrrr, where…
I interrupt boss
Me - do you mean why do I look (a certain way)?
Boss - yep, that’s the one 😂
Me - 🙄
Been asked my whole life, so like to make them work for it now 😂😂😂

I once told someone (admittedly in a heated online exchange, not my best moment) that they should really read this book.

Their response was ‘but the book says not to talk to me about it so why would I bother reading about it?’

🤬🙄

It’s absolutely petrifying isn’t it!

We travel once a month and it’s become a running joke that I’ve never managed to get through security on even one trip without getting pulled - I have a very English name but tan like crazy so my ethnic origin combined with frequent travel tan equals long waits in the seek assistance lanes 😑 the reasoning is apparently excessive travel flags up the system

My white husband who travels with me has never been stopped.

Honestly I think that’s really it.

I’m half Indian.

If I had a pound…

It's obviously not the same in the sense that it's not based on skin colou. But actually yes, it does suck to not have people accept that you are from the same county as them (Scotland) because you have a regional accent that they read as foreign. Some parts of Scotland had accents that other parts of Scotland read as English, and some people say that in a disparaging way. It's not a great experience to have to justify that you are actually Scottish. Totally admit that it's probably worse to have people challenge you on the basis of how you look rather than sound, but it's not nothing either, and we don't have to dismiss other people's 'othering' just because it's not as bad as other ones.

I had a similar issue prior to my marriage (I took DH surname) s as my maiden name has a very strong Hispanic ring to it. People would constantly ask me where I was from, and despite my being one of the palest people you'll ever meet, and me, my parents and all 4 grandparents been born in England, people would continue to insist on knowing where I was from originally 🤦‍♀️ I'm fairly sure my ancestors do originate from some Hispanic country, but how far back I don't know as even my grandad didn't know 🤷‍♀️

Also, being half Indian, I have been asked “what is your real name? Your Indian one?” quite a few times. The audacity of me to not have an Indian name!

He didn’t even say ‘lived’ there, just that they worked there. So an ex-pat for a few years who didn’t even speak the language.

If I had been born in Malaysia, say, to expat parents, and was at a swanky function somewhere in that country, and my hosts asked me:

'Where are you from?'

And I said, 'Malaysia, I was born in Kuala Lumpur,'

But they clearly saw that my ethnicity was white European, so they asked me again, 'But where are you really from? I mean where are your family/ people from?'
(people being how many folk, including the British and Irish, refer to their forebears). How would I react?

I wouldn't imagine I'd feel offended. I mean, I wouldn't kick up a global media storm over it, that's all I'm saying.

Or are we saying that this is an acceptable question from anyone but a white European? That it is a microaggression from them, but legitimate curiosity and reasoning from all others?

I wonder if she will file a compensation claim?

Not me but I've witnessed this happening in the local village pub to someone I know - they're white and have lived in the area for generations

A propos of nothing
Q Where are you from? A Next village

Fairly reasonable question and you'd imagine an acceptable answer except that it wasn't what the questioner wanted to know and was followed by a series of increasingly searching questions about being local, where were they born etc etc

I think what's maybe difficult to put across for people who've not experienced/ witnessed this or don't really believe that it's at minimum unpleasant

• the questioners tone wasn't friendly
• it didn't seem to be out of natural curiosity
• they seemed irritated by not been given the information they wanted/had in mind
• it was really very uncomfortable to see it happen

The hidden message was you're a traveller and not welcome in the local pub

I'd usually only ask people who are obviously not local. Because I'm not a weirdo. Why would I ask people who look and sound local where they're from?

Exactly!!!

I’m glad some people get it!

You wouldn’t ask someone who has the same accent as you where they are from, especially if it was someone you’ve just met.

And even if you did ask you would accept their first answer.

You wouldn’t keep going on and on trying to find out their entire history.

My grandmother lived in Canada. I used to visit her most years because y'know I loved her n stuff - I swear well over half the time, colleagues would just not listen and say India

Where are you off to on holiday?
Canada to see my grandmother
Have a great time in India
She lives in Canada actually
Oh !

Two weeks later

How was your trip to India?

🙄

Americans do the exact same thing. It was go home Euro-trash while I was there.

3 things I hear the most.

"Yes but... Where are you from in Asia?!"

"I know someone Japanese / Chinese / Korean too, do you know XX?!"

"Your English is perfect!"

I wouldn't imagine I'd feel offended. I mean, I wouldn't kick up a global media storm over it, that's all I'm saying.

Are you really trying to tell people how they should feel because in your imagination you weren’t offended by the made up scenario in your imaginary land?

I'm olive skinned with dark hair and eyes, I get it all the time. If I say Russia and Poland they look confused, I'm guessing pogroms don't count. If I just say I'm Jewish, they generally look embarrassed.

“people like you”

Hang on. You've just made up some completely imaginary situation. Why should anyone have to explain themselves.

How can you possibly know how you would feel in your totally made up scenario?

I have a very confusing mix of first name and surname, and I have an odd skin colour. Non of them match up so it's very confusing for people.

Sometimes I am flattered that people are intrigued about my heritage

Of course I have had it the other way round where people see my name and they treat me as though I am "foreign", they change when they realise that I am "local". Not a nice experience.

@JudgeJ Ahhhh the classic “people like you”.

keep em coming babes.

I'm asked this practically every single day .I live in Germany speak fluent german but I am Irish .People always assume I am Dutch somehow from my accent .I am very dark so not the typical pale Irish person everyone expects .Every single time I come into contact with new people i can see them trying to figure out where I am from .Its a talking point .

I was once told my son couldn’t possibly be mine as “well your not from England, he looks English” she wouldn’t believe me when I told her I was born in the uk, I don’t know why I argued with her tbh. It made me feel like shit as I thought everyone must think I’ve stolen this white baby.